I.

(Lights up on LEWIS, a man in his 20's. The stage should be set to have a dark area up-center stage that seems to lead to nowhere. It is into this dark area that Lewis is periodically throwing small objects into. Lewis eventually starts whistling a cheeiful work song.)
(Enter BOB, a man in his 20's. He looks stressed and rushed.)

BOB. Sorry I'm late.

(Bob picks up a small object and gets ready to throw it in.)

LEWIS. Not yet. Give it a minute or two. I've been going a little crazy this morning with my feedings.
BOB. Fuck. We're not supposed to do that. LEWIS. And you're not supposed to be late. BOB. I'm sorry. Late night.
LEWIS. With Majora?

BOB. Don't give me shit for it.

LEWIS. Well I can't tell you anything that I haven't already said before.

BOB. I know, I know.

LEWIS. So what did she want from you this time? (Lewis looks at the object.) Now.

(Bob tosses the object into the darkness.)

BOB. She just wanted to talk.

LEWIS. What is it you two talk about anyway?

BOB. Just work stuff.
 
LEWIS. What, like how she has lots of great sex with astonishingly handsome men and then kills them while you... Mop the weapons room?
BOB. What the fuck, man?

LEWIS. Yeah, that was fucked up. I'm sorry. I'm just a little stressed. My quarterly evaluation is coming up and I'm worried I haven't done much to impress Mayhem. I'm just worried I'm not good enough to make it onto a legitimate project, like Project HELIOS.
BOB. That's not true. You've climbed the ranks here; you've put in tons of solid, valuable work. I mean, I bet you did something exciting to impress the boss today. What'd you do this morning?
LEWIS. Before you got here? I fed Professor Mayhem's War Dogs.

BOB. Okay... but it's better than when we first started here. Remember when we were new recruits and you had to clean the genetically enhanced shark tank?
LEWIS. Oh yeah. And the day I got promoted, my replacement was torn apart by great whites. Man, we've sure had a lot of luck around here.
BOB. Luck and drive. Before, we were disposable lackeys. Now he trusts you to not poison his War Dogs! You've worked hard. You've earned your place here. Don't deny the worth that you've proven to yourself, and everyone at Magma Lair.
LEWIS. Thanks, man. I'm sorry for what I said about Labia.

BOB. Don't worry about it. I know you didn't mean it.

(There is a silence. After a couple beats, Lewis picks up another small object and throws it in the darkness.)
LEWIS. Do you ever wonder what it would be like?

BOB. What? To be eaten by this black hole?
 
LEWIS. Yeah. I mean - we can't see it. We can't ever really touch it or sense it in any sort of way.
BOB. Well, we could. One time. Then -

LEWIS. We die?

BOB. I'm not sure. I asked the guys in the science lab once. They seemed to think we would die. Said we'd be crushed under enormous pressure. Not before spaghettification, of course.
LEWIS. Spaghettification?

BOB. Yeah. Apparently, when an object gets caught in the gravitational pull of the black hole, it can pull parts of the object while the other is still in space. Doctor Edwards said it's like holding half of a piece of taffy in one hand while pulling the other half. Eventually you get left with these long, spaghetti like strains.
LEWIS. So my entire body will look like spaghetti?

BOB. Eventually. But you'll be dead before you get to that point.

LEWIS.You're making me hungry.

BOB. Weird. I'm making me existential.

(Lewis throws another small object into the black hole as they stand quietly.)

LEWIS. You think Professor Mayhem will ever use this thing?

BOB. No. He isn't stupid. This is a last-ditch kind of thing. Think about it. Ifwe were instructed to feed this thing to the point of self-sustaining mass, it would go on to destroy the entire solar system eventually. Professor Mayhem would never do that.
LEWIS. But then why do we have to keep feeding this thing to keep it from collapsing if Mayhem may never use it?
 
BOB. He likes his enemies to think the black hole is his nuclear option. Besides the actual nuclear warhead he bought from that Russian guy, of course. A lot of these projects are just stuff Mayhem just uses to scare people. Remember the plague kittens?
LEWIS. Plague kittens?

BOB. Oh, that might have been before you got here. Professor Mayhem wanted to create an easy distribution mechanism for biological warfare. He settled on creating adorable kittens that were carriers of horrible diseases, so when the people went to hug the cute kittens, they'd get a face full of Ebola.
LEWIS. That's messed up.

(Bob throws an object into the black hole.)

BOB. Exactly. And the history of this place is littered with crazy ideas like that. Werewolf Men, Bipedal Jellyfish, Robot Velociraptors, Weather Machines, blah blah blah. Whatever it is, it's all just a bid for Mayhem to stay on top of his "megolomaniac" fa<;ade. It makes governments too scared to bother us and allows Mayhem to carry on with his true vision. Of course, we're the ones mopping up after all these crazy projects, but I don't mind the work. It's a cool job when you think about it. Plus, when I put Henchman to Professor Mayhem on my OkCupid profile, you won't believe the number of girls that started messaging me.
LEWIS. Dude, you can't do that.

BOB. What?

LEWIS. Keep breaking protocol. I don't want you to get fired, or worse - thrown into the volcano.
BOB. Don't worry about me, man.

LEWIS. (Trying to mask concern) Well... Just make sure the girls you're talking to aren't undercover FBI Agents.
BOB. Or Secret Agent Danger Adams in a wig?
 
(Lewis cracks up at the thought.)

LEWIS. Danger Adams in a wig, huh? I dunno, man. I might have to go for it if that were the case. He's a beautiful guy.
BOB. Oh, I forgot, you have a crush on the man that can single handedly destroy our entire organization.
LEWIS. I can't help it - he's so freaking cool! Think about it - this guy gets to dress up in fancy suits, gamble in exotic casinos around the world, drink martinis like goddamn water, sleep with deadly and exotic people, kill anyone he wants in spectacular fights because he's fucking licensed to do it, AND everybody loves him.
BOB. Yeah that's all cool and everything, but what I don't get is how you can worship this guy when you are on the complete opposite side he fights for? Ifhe got the chance he'd come in here and kill us. It happened just last week at The Manta Ray's Underwater Lair. Danger Adams snuck in via scuba gear, killed dozens of guards with a harpoon gun, and stopped Manta Ray's ransom of the Atlantic Oceanic Pipeline. Everyone but Manta Ray died!
LEWIS. Isn't that how shit always goes down? We get killed with harpoons while the boss goes free.
BOB. Don't change the subject.

LEWIS. Fine. I mean... You can admire someone's work while being on the opposite side. It
happens in war all the time. Generals do it.

BOB.You are no general.You are a henchman who is infatuated with a deadly secret agent that wouldn't hesitate for a second on killing you.
(Lewis grows angry and becomes silent. He picks up a small object, but hesitates to throw it.)

LEWIS. Sometimes I wonder ... If we weren't cousins, would we even hang out?

(Pause.)

BOB. I...
 
LEWIS. I just don't know why you always do that.

BOB. Do what?

LEWIS. Build me up just to tear me down.

BOB. Oh that's nice. I talk you off a ledge when you're freaking out over a stupid evaluation and
I'm the bad guy.

LEWIS. No, but ifl say one negative thing about you then you blow up. Every time.

BOB. My love life is a touchy subject, Lewis. Maybe I'd spend more time working on improving my life if you weren't always so infatuated with your "hopes" and "dreams", and just took in the reality of our situation!?
(Beat.)

LEWIS. I'm not a cynic. At least I try not to be. But you are, and you bring me down a lot. I'm sorry that I have "hopes and dreams", and a desire for my work to move beyond feeding a black hole for the rest of my life, but if you don't like it you don't have to listen. Or fuck, maybe you can take note and try for something better in your life.
BOB. What about Labia Majora?

LEWIS. Oh please. You don't make any moves or even hint that you want something more than friendship. All you do is listen to her tell you about her life and work and whatever - then you come and bitch about how she'll never love you and blah blah fucking blah. If you can just stop complaining about how your life and just take action for once-
(A red alarm light streaks back and forth across the stage.)

SUPERVISOR. (Over intercom) Red Alert. There has been a security breach in Sector 4. All personnel to defensive positions.
LEWIS. Sector 4? Fuck, that's right across the hall.

BOB. Where's the gun?
 
LEWIS. In the cabinet.

(Bob moves quickly over to the cabinet when DANGER ADAMS runs onstage in a sharp suit.)

LEWIS. Oh my god! Danger Adams!? I'm sorry, I don't mean to fanboy out here, but I love you work-
(Danger quickly punches Lewis in the face, knocking him down but not out. Danger pulls out a pistol and points it at Lewis.)
DANGER. Where is Professor Mayhem? LEWIS. Fuck, dude. I dunno! In his office? DANGER. Where!?
(Bob finds the gun and points it at Danger.)

BOB. Step away from him or I'll shoot.

(Danger assesses his options, then jumps behind Lewis and takes him hostage.)

DANGER. I don't think you will.

BOB. Fuck!

DANGER. (To Lewis) You're going to take me to Mayhem.

LEWIS. Okay, okay, everyone's cool. Just, do you mind not pointing that gun in my face so much? I really need to pee, and the prospect of death isn't helping.
DANGER. This is a Brioni suit, so if you value your life you'll do best to hold it.

LEWIS. Okay, sir. Good point, sir.

DANGER. Walk.

(They start walking effstage.)

LEWIS. Bob...
 
BOB. I'm coming for you, Lewis.

(Exit Danger and Lewis.)

BOB. I promise.

(Lights fade out.)

II.
(Lights up on a small lobby. There is an elevator upstage with usual lobby decor like couches and tables and a mini fridge. There is a door on stage right. There are dead bodies everywhere. Pieces offlesh are strewn about and there should be fun things such as dismembered heads or legs or arms or all-of-the-above thrown around the stage. It should be a bloodbath; the sight of some epic battle which took place seconds before. Danger is in his clean suit while Lewis is curled up in a ball and covered in blood and guts.)


LEWIS. Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh go-


DANGER. Be quiet and start stacking those bodies against the door. (Lewis picks up a severed body part and places it near the door, all the while crying uncontrollably.) If you don't help me barricade this door than more of your friends will show up and I'll be forced to kill them too. Do you want that, kid?

LEWIS. N-n-n-noooo.


DANGER. Then move your ass. I'll get the furniture.

(Danger slides a couch over to the door while Lewis struggles to place bodies on top of the couch. Danger whistles "What a Wondeiful World" while they work. They move most of the furniture
over to the door and Danger sits down on a chair he saved for himself. Lewis sits on the floor, exhausted and terrified Danger opens the mini fridge and takes out an apple. He pulls out a knife and starts slicing the apple and eating it eff the knife blade.)
 
LEWIS. (Still crying softly) That's really cool.


DANGER. I know.


LEWIS. I tried that once. I cut my t-t-tongue.


DANGER. Oh, d-d-did you?


(Silence.}


LEWIS. What'll you do if they come through the elevator?


DANGER. Well, I think I'm going to stab one in the ass. Like that Gaddafi guy a few years back. Stab someone in the asshole and they'll bleed to death in a pretty hilarious way. Like Vlad Tepes used to do with impaling Turks on wooden stakes. I'm a bit of a history buff.

LEWIS. Oh ... How are you going to kill me?


DANGER. I'm not going to tell you. But... It's not what you'd expect. I'll tell you that.


(Danger winks at Lewis. Lewis is disturbed, but oddly charmed.}


LEWIS. God damn, dude.


DANGER. What?

LEWIS. I don't know, I... I took a public speaking class once. I struggled. I'm no good at public speaking. But I studied. I fucking studied, and I practiced, and I tried - hard. In the end I still couldn't capture the attention of an audience. But I think you could go in front of a group of people, tell them you fucked their mothers, and they'll smile and laugh and kiss your ass. Am I right?
 


DANGER. (Slyly) You're not wrong.


LEWIS. I wish I had that kind of... Presence.


DANGER. It's not always as great as it seems. I mean, sure, the nonstop action and the sex with countless women is brilliant, but sometimes it's like... There's more to me, you know?

LEWIS. How so?


(Danger takes out a small notepad and flips to a certain page.)


DANGER. (Reading a deeply meaningful poem.)

HER EYES WERE OPALESCENT AS THE WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER
BLINDED BY THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD TEN TIMES OVER

SMILE WIDE AND RADIANTLY SHE SHINES ON ME, SHINES ON ME TOSOUTHERNSHORESOFAVALON
WHERE SHE LIVES HER DESTINY, DESTINY.

HER WORSHIP IS ALL I ASK TO PRAISE AND CHERISH ABOVE
SHE PLACES NONE BEFORE ME, NO MY LITTLE TURTLE DOVE

LEWIS. Oh wow, that was -
 
DANGER. You're not crying. I expected you to cry.


LEWIS. I'm pretty sure I'm all cried out today.


DANGER. You didn't like it.


LEWIS. Pfft! Didn't like it!? Pfft. Naaaaaa -


DANGER. What was your favorite part?


LEWIS. I... Loved... How it was in iambic pentameter. Classic. Gorgeous.


DANGER. It wasn't in iambic pentameter.

LEWIS. Ah fuck. Okay, it - it wasn't... It wasn't great.

DANGER. It... Wasn't... Great?... (Beat). I.    Wasn't    Great.


LEWIS. Listen, you can't be great at everything.


(Danger tackles Lewis to the ground at lightningfast speed He pulls out his gun and points in to Lewis's head)

DANGER. You take that back you piece of sh-


(!ust then, the ding of the elevator is heard and the doors start opening.)

LEWIS. Oh thank god.


(Danger points his gun at the door, ready to kill. LA.BIA MA.JORA is revealed She walks smoothly out of the elevator.}
 


LABIA. I heard there was a fight down here. Professor Mayhem told me not to come down, but what can I say? I'm in the mood for Danger.

DANGER. (To Lewis) You think I'm not a man, huh? Just watch the master at work. By the end of the night I'll be crushing so much ass, you'll see what kind of a man I am. (To Labia) Labia Majora, I presume. I've heard a lot about you.

LABIA. Not enough, I assure you. You haven't heard anything about me that truly captures all of my... Talents.

DANGER. Talents? Like the talents that allowed you to get close to three of my fellow agents and kill them?

LABIA. That was the old me. I've changed. I have grown tired of Mayhem's games. How they bore me ever so much.

LEWIS. Ever so much? Who talks like that?


LABIA. (To Lewis). Um. Who are you? DANGER. Just another notch on my belt. LEWIS. That's not what that means.
DANGER. Hey, buddy. I'll give you a hint about your death. It involves, but is not limited to
disemboweling.


LEWIS. (To self). I'm so fucked.


LABIA. (To Danger). Look, BIG BOY. I'm all horned up and I need you daddy.
 


(Labia starts displaying awkward, sexual poses that completely lack corifi,dence or sensuality.)


DANGER. What?


LABIA. Uhh. I mean. I need you to sex me up hard. All over my... Butt cheeks.


DANGER. I, uh. I don't know what to say to that.


LABIA. Talk with your body, not your words. DANGER. I'll pass. You're just not doing it for me. LABIA. I'm sexy, God damnit!
(Labia awkwardly puts her finger in her mouth and sticks her butt out like she's the most unsexy bad-girl of all time.)

DANGER. Just... Stop. You're embarrassing yourself.


LABIA. Please. I need this. I'm up for my quarterly review.


LEWIS. Oh, hey, me too. We must have been hired around the same time.


LABIA. Wait. I think I remember you from orientation.


DANGER. Shut up. No, Labia. I am not going to let you seduce then kill me. You blew it. Now if you and this disposable henchman would kindly huddle up together in the corner so I can kill you.
 
(Labia and Lewis huddle together on Stage Left. Danger faces them, and turns his back to the barricaded door. Danger aims his gun at them and pulls the trigger. The gun clicks as they wince in fear.}

DANGER. Damnit. Jammed. You guys stay there while I fix this thing. And keep up the "afraid of your imminent death" thing. It's really motivating.

(Danger tries fixing the gun.)


LEWIS. (To Labia) You are the worst seductress ever. We're dead because of you. How did you even get this job?

LABIA. I lied on my resume. So what? Everyone does it.


(As they are talking, the Stage Right door opens and Bob slowly sneaks in.)


LEWIS. How have you gotten this far though? Danger said you killed three of his friends.


LABIA. I did. Kind of. Mostly they were accidents. First guy laughed so hard at my advances he choked on a grape. Second guy - I thought I could turn him on with some sexy dancing. I spun him right out of a window.

LEWIS. And the third?


DANGER. Damn gun is broken. Stay there. There must be something on one of these dead guys I can kill you with.

(Danger starts searching bodies.}


LABIA. Anyway. The third guy - I tried to grab his crotch and he exploded.
 
LEWIS. I've been there.


LABIA. No, he had a grenade in his pocket. Guess I pulled the pin. Seems like the only time I can get a guy to erupt is when blood is shooting out of him like a god damned geyser. What is wrong with me?

LEWIS. Nothing is wrong with you, Labia. Look, I'm sorry I was so mean to you before - I was just upset with the situation. But you seem like a smart, beautiful woman with a lot to offer.
Those agents didn't know what they were missing. Hell, if only you were a guy, I'd ask you out myself.

LABIA.You're sweet.


LEWIS. I just call it like I see it.


(Bob finally sneaks in past the barricade and slowly makes his way behind Danger. Lewis and Labia notice him.)

LEWIS. Bob?


(Danger hears this and turns around to see Bob.}


BOB. Real fuckin' subtle, Lewis.


(Danger is taken by surprise as Bob hits him over the head with his gun.}


LABIA. Bob! You saved us!


(Labia rushes over to Bob and hugs him. She kisses Bob on the cheek.)
 
BOB. (Bashfully) Ah... It was nothing. (Bob blushes deeply, but realizes he may lose his heroic appearance and toughens up.) Just doing my job.

LEWIS. You came back for me?


BOB. Of course, man. You're my best friend. Now what do you say we take this guy up to Professor Mayhem? It might look pretty damn good for your quarterly review.

(Lewis hugs Bob.)


LEWIS. Thanks, man. How can I ever repay you?


BOB. Just don't forget me when you're running this place. (Bob offers his arm to Labia, who takes it). Let's do this.

(Bob and Labia board the elevator. Lewis drags Danger's unconscious body onto the elevator. They press the button to Mayhems floor, and the doors close.}

III.

(Lights up on Danger, Bob, Lewis, and Labia as they are in Professor Mayhem's lair. It is a surprisingly clean lair, with a little model efa town on a desk. Danger is tied to a table with some kind eflarge weapon pointed at his head. Bob is double checking the straps tying Danger
down. BARBARA, Mayhem's assistant, walks in.)


BARBARA. Hey, thanks for waiting. Professor Mayhem has a pretty busy schedule today, but he's trying to make his way over as quickly as possible. I trust the Table of Despair is suitable for your needs?

BOB. It's excellent. Thank you, Barbara.
 
BARBARA. My pleasure. Are you sure I can't get you any coffee while you wait? We also have tea, smart water, and coconut water if you'd like?

BOB. No thank you.


LEWIS. Actually, I would love a green tea.


LABIA. That sounds delicious. I'll have one too.


BARBARA. Absolutely. Would you like anything, Mr. Adams?

DANGER. No thank you, love. BARBARA. I'll be right back then. ALL. Thank you, Barbara.
(Barbara exits.)


DANGER. You'll never win, you know. You're fighting on the wrong side of history. Professor Mayhem stands for death and destruction. We'll never have peace with men like him around.

LEWIS. Whoa. You don't know anything about him.


DANGER. I know everything I need to know. I read his dossier. He gained his fortune by performing one of the largest heists the world has ever seen. He stole billions of dollars from some of the most powerful men on the planet. Then he built this lair and trained your stupid, little army to launch guerrilla campaigns all over the world - disrupting oil pipelines, destroying foreign mining operations, and let's not forget how he's building the mysterious Project HELIOS right under our feet! Whatever madness he has planned will never come to pass. I'll
 
break free from these restraints; don't you think I won't. Then after I kill Mayhem, I'm coming back for all of you.

(A condescending clap begins effstage. It's PROFESSOR MA.YHEM. He walks onstage with a smug look on his face, continuing the clap as he walks toward Danger.)

MAYHEM. Very entertaining words, Mr. Adams. Empty threats, I'm afraid.You'll never break free from those restraints. You will... Die... Here...

(Danger loses his shit.)


DANGER. NOOO! MAYHEM!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! AHHHHH!


(Everyone is visibly shocked. Danger calms himself down.)


LABIA. Jesus.


MAYHEM. I know. That was a bit of an overreaction. I was not expecting that.


DANGER. You Madman!


MAYHEM. (Laughing maniacally) And you are a fool, Mr. Adams.You honestly thought you could stop Project HELIOS? No one will prevent me from achieving my dreams!

DANGER. Noooo!


MAYHEM. Okay, you are way too energized at the moment. I need a break from you, Danger. (Mayhem steps away.from Danger and toward Bob, Lewis, and Labia.) So, I hear you three are to thank for capturing this intruder? Labia, I can understand. My darling, you are a true professional. But you two? You're merely Henchmen, is that right?
 
LEWIS. Yes, sir.


MAYHEM. And what is your name?


LEWIS. Lewis, sir.


MAYHEM. Lewis? From Sector 2B?


LEWIS. Yes, sir. You've heard of me?


MAYHEM. Of course! Your supervisor has nothing but good things to say about you.


BOB. And I'm Bob.


MAYHEM. Good to meet you, Bob. I must say, I'm impressed. And it is not easy to impress me! I believe your quarterly reviews should be due. Why don't you follow me to my office and I'll conduct them myself.

BOB. Of course!


(All exit except for Danger, who is still tied down. After a couple beats, Barbara walks in carrying two cups eftea.)

BARBARA. What the hell? Where did everyone go?


DANGER. They left.


BARBARA. Well that figures. What the hell am I supposed to do with their tea?


(Danger gets an idea.)
 
DANGER. (Suavely) That's despicable how they treat you.


BARBARA. Well... No one ever thinks about the secretary's feelings, I guess.


DANGER. No, no. That can't be true.


BARBARA. It is. Sometimes I feel like I'm invisible in this place.


DANGER. They should appreciate you more. It is unforgivable to take advantage of the generosity of such a stunning woman.

BARBARA. (Blushing) Stunning?


DANGER. You took my breath away as soon as you walked in the door. I wonder. .. No.


BARBARA. What?


DANGER. I would like to see you with your hair down, but I fear you might be too beautiful.


BARBARA. I guess you're just going to have to take that chance.

(Barbara takes bobby pins out of her hair and lets her hair fall)

DANGER. You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. Come here. (Barbara walks seductively over to Danger. She jumps on the table and straddles him. They kiss passionately. Barbara places the bobby pins on the table. Danger smoothly places them in his hand) No! Mayhem will be back any second. (hiick - leave me! I don't want you to lose your job over something so silly as our passion. (Barbara quivers with his words and struggles to leave before finally finding the strength to exit. Danger smiles smugly and pulls out the pins. He inserts them into his restrains and.frees
himself.) Danger, you sexy bastard.You still got it. (Danger hops off the table. He walks over to the
model of the town.) Okay. Time to figure out your plan, Mayhem. Tell me what you're up to.
 
There's gotta be a manual or something lying around. Hmm. I wonder what this button does?
(Danger pushes a big, red button on the model town and an alarm goes eff.) Shit!

(Mayhem, Labia, Bob, and Lewis comes in. Mayhem is holding a gun. He aims it at Danger who raises his hands.)

MAYHEM. Really, dude? You pushed the big, red button? Why would that be anything other than an alarm? What are you, stupid?

DANGER. I'm color blind.

MAYHEM.Oh.

BOB. Ohno.

MAYHEM. I didn't know. We're progressive here, I promise. LEWIS. It's true. We work with a handicapped guy in Section 2B. DANGER. Sure you do.
MAYHEM. Bob, please handcuff him. (Bob cuffs Danger). Why did you free yourself then start
randomly pressing buttons anyway?

DANGER. I was just trying to figure out your evil plan.

MAYHEM. You mean the CIA didn't tell you?

DANGER. They didn't know.

MAYHEM. Yes they did! My so called "evil plans" aren't a secret to anyone. Jesus Christ, Danger. Time Magazine just did a piece on Project HELIOS last month. Don't you read?

DANGER. I can't read.

MAYHEM. Fuck, really!?

DANGER. No, not really. I don't know why I said that.
 
BOB. What do you think we do here?

DANGER. Evil things - I don't know!

LABIA. That's exactly what the US Government wants you to think!

DANGER. What? What about disrupting oil pipelines, and shutting down mining operations, and stealing money from big corporations?

BOB. We stole money from private, overseas banks that were hiding money for billionaires resolved to lobby government officials for climate change denial.

LABIA. The oil pipelines we stopped construction on were looking to build on sacred Native lands.

LEWIS. And the mines we shut down were diamond mines utilizing children to perform backbreaking labor for incredibly low wages. We saved hundreds of orphaned children and re­ homed them using the Professor Mayhem Cares for Children Program.
DANGER. No. That can't all be true. What about Project HELIOS?

MAYHEM. It stands for "Helping Electricity-Lacking Institutions Obtain Solar". The US Government wants to stop us because we're about to give thousands of free solar panels to schools and communities that are currently being bled dry through electricity monopolies.
DANGER. I can't believe it. I'm just a disposable, CIA pawn.

LEWIS. It's starting to sound like it.

DANGER. The Government is using me. I just wanted to be a badass. I love killing people and fucking femme fatales - that's all. I never realized I could actually be the bad guy.

MAYHEM. Don't do that to yourself. You're not necessarily the "bad guy''. I mean, evil is subjective. Sure, we may use plenty of questionable methods to accomplish our means here at Professor Mayhem Industries, but for every lawmaker or warlord we assassinate, we save many
 
more innocent people being oppressed. You're not bad for following orders. The people that put you up to it are bad.
DANGER. So... There's still time for me to change?

MAYHEM. No way. I just rescued some sharks that were genetically engineered with gorilla DNA in a CIA testing facility. I want to see how well they kill in the field, but so far they're just sharks that know a little sign language. (Shouting) Barbara!

(Barbara walks in.)

BARBARA. Yes, Professor Mayhem?

MAYHEM. Please escort Mr. Adams to the Sharkrilla room.

(Barbara eyes Danger up and down seductively.)

BARBARA. I can definitely do that.

(Danger smiles and winks at Barbara. They start to exit.) MAYHEM. Oh and Danger. I hope you know how to swim. (Mayhem laughs maniacally as Danger and Barbara exit.)
LEWIS. Crazy day, huh?

MAYHEM. Eh, I'm used to it by now. I suspect you'll be an old hand at this job in a year or so.

LEWIS. Sir?

MAYHEM. I could really use someone like you on my management team. How would you like to take over Project HELIOS?

LEWIS. That would be amazing! Thank you so much.
 
MAYHEM. You earned it, Lewis. As for you, Bob. I could use a new Head of Security. Apparently my last one was killed by Danger Adams. You've more than proven that you can handle yourself under pressure.

BOB. I won't let you down, sir.

MAYHEM. As for you, Labia. I think you've led an accomplished career as a seductress, but I believe it's time to let you relax a bit. I'm taking you out of the field.

(Labia tries to hide how happy this is making her.)

LABIA. Yes sir -

MAYHEM. And appointing you the new head trainer of our femme fatale recruits. You'll be teaching them the proper ways to seduce and destroy our enemies.
LABIA. (Feigning enthusiasm) Ya-a-ay.

(Bob takes Labia aside.)

BOB. Congratulations.

LABIA. You too.


 
BOB. I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinn-
 
LABIA. I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinn-
 

(They both blush.)


BOB. I'd love to.

MAYHEM. You've all impressed me today, team. I'm proud of you. Now let's get back to work! We've got a world to save.

(The lights fade out.)