KIDS  PLAY
By

Steven Blacksmith
 


CHARACTERS
DANIEL    Seven. Amber’s twin brother.

AMBER    Seven. Daniel’s twin sister.
ROBERT    Seven. Cassie’s big brother.

CASSIE    Five. Robert’s little sister.
 
SETTING:    A HOUSE.

(CASSIE is laying on the floor, coloring, as AMBER plays with a toy car.)

DANIEL (Off stage)
LEFT.
LEFT.
LEFT RIGHT LEFT.
LEFT.
LEFT.
LEFT RIGHT LEFT.

(DANIEL and ROBERT enter.)

DANIEL
ATTEN-TION, SOLDIER!

ROBERT
SIR, YES, SIR!

DANIEL
LISTEN UP, MAGGOT. WE DID NOT CRAWL THROUGH ONE THOUSAND MILES OF JUNGLE TO DIE UP HERE ON HAMBURGER HILL.

ROBERT
PERMISSION TO SPEAK, SIR?

DANIEL
PERMISSION GRANTED.

ROBERT
DO YOU MIND IF WE MOVE TO CHEESEBURGER HILL? I THINK HAMBURGERS ARE A LITTLE BORING, SIR.

DANIEL
NO, I THINK NOT, SOLDIER. MY MOMMY SAYS I AM LACTOSE INTOLERANT AND CANNOT HAVE CHEESEBURGERS.

ROBERT
SIR, YES, SIR.

DANIEL
Keep your voice down, soldier. I think I see Charlie. He’s here and he sure is angry. Oh no…

ROBERT
What is it Sarge?

DANIEL
A minefield. Son, you’re gonna have to lead the way.

ROBERT
Into a minefield?

DANIEL
You’ll be fine, soldier. A minefield is not an easy thing to navigate, especially with no mine detector.

ROBERT
What!?

DANIEL
Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll do fine. And, since you’re leading the way, if you make it out of there alive there’s a nice promotion in it for you. We’ll give you a raise and a shiny, new star on your uniform. Sound good?

ROBERT
I… I don’t want to go.

DANIEL
Son, I am your superior officer. Are you saying "no" to your superior officer?

ROBERT
I… I –

DANIEL
PEW, PEW PEW!

Get down!
 
ROBERT
What?

DANIEL
They’re shooting at us, Private!

ROBERT
Oh!

PEW, PEW PEW.

I can’t see them through the trees, Sarge!
 
DANIEL
Don’t be an idiot, son. They ARE the trees!

ROBERT
Jesus.

AMBER
VROOM VROOM!

ROBERT
What was that, sir?

DANIEL
Uh... It was nothing, son. Just ignore it. CHU CHUG, POUGH!
There. I think that was the last of them. Now, I figure their basecamp must be over that ridge. Makes sense to send a scouting party at us. They probably want us to storm that hill.

ROBERT
Maybe we should? I think we could take them.

AMBER
VRRRR VRRR VRRR VROOM!

ROBERT
Sir, that sound is back. Are you sure we shouldn’t investigate?

DANIEL
Son, I am your commanding officer. When I tell you to ignore something, I expect it to be ignored. Especially when it’s being done by SOME BUTTHEAD WHO DOESN’T RESPECT THE RULES OF MY GAME...
(Silence.)
Alright then… We should watch our six, just in case the enemy tries to flank us. They could be anywhere--

AMBER
SCREEEAA!

DANIEL
-- Oh, will you SHUT UP, Amber!

AMBER
What? I can’t play my own game? I think I should be able to play cars all as loud as I want. Unless you can use my help against the Vietcong...

DANIEL
It doesn’t make sense with what we’re doing. We’re ground infantry, Amber. You can’t just be a random car.

AMBER
So… I’ll be a soldier then!

DANIEL
Women weren’t allowed to be soldiers back then.

AMBER
Well… Well, fine then. I’ll try to keep it down.

DANIEL
Thank you.

ROBERT
Sir, I just got off the radio with the 101st. They say the enemy is two clicks North.

DANIEL
Good. Get ready, soldier. I hope you’ve made peace with your god.

ROBERT
Every night before bed.

AMBER
CHU CHUCK. PRR PRR PRR PURRR.

DANIEL
Amber.

AMBER
I’m just idling!

DANIEL
You better stay that way.

AMBER
I will, I promise. I’ll just wait here for you to finish before I - Oh no! It’s another car! He’s challenging me to a race.

DANIEL
You better not!

AMBER
I’m sorry, Daniel. I can’t wuss out on this race. My street cred is on the line.

ROBERT
Come on, Amber. You’re making him mad.

AMBER
Sorry boys. He wants to race for pink slips, and I can’t get another one. I’ve already been in enough trouble this year—BRRRRR—I can’t hear you over the sound of the engine— BEWWWW—Can you hear how many horsepower this has!?—VRRRRR—I can take this guy!

DANIEL
STOP IT!

(Amber runs the car at Daniel and Robert. When she gets close to them, she centers her aim at Robert and tackles him to the ground.)

ROBERT
Hey!!

CASSIE
Get off of my brother!

ROBERT
Amber, what the heck?

AMBER
The brave soldier fell at the hands of an American made car. How ironic.

CASSIE
Are you okay, Robert?

ROBERT
Yes, Cassie. Go back to coloring.

(Cassie huffs a bit, but quickly settles down and starts coloring again.)

DANIEL
What did you do that for, Amber?

AMBER
I just wanted to play.

DANIEL
No. You wanted to play your stupid game. You can’t just do anything you want, ya know? There weren’t even any cars in Vietnam. The jungle was too dense.

AMBER
Really? There weren’t any cars? What about in the cities?

DANIEL
Okay, there were a few cars. But, there weren’t any cars like that.

ROBERT
Yep. It’s true. Only jeeps and vans… And motorcycles.

DANIEL
Ooo let’s play that! I call driver!

ROBERT
But–

DANIEL
--But what?

ROBERT
… Nothing. Nevermind.

AMBER
Let him be the driver, Daniel. You always do this.

DANIEL
Do what?

AMBER
Take whatever role you want. What if he wants to be the driver?

DANIEL
Robert, do you want to be the driver?

ROBERT
Umm. I dunno. Maybe.

DANIEL
Ugh, okay. There must be a fair way of settling who has to be the motorcycle.

(Beat.)

ROBERT/DANIEL
One, two, three, not it! One, two, three, not it! Damnit. One, two, three, not it! Jynx, you owe me a coke! Damnit!

AMBER
Why don’t you rock, paper, scissors for it?

DANIEL
Perfect.

ROBERT/DANIEL
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

DANIEL
Ah ha! Scissors cuts paper - I win!

ROBERT
No fair! I always lose at rock, paper, scissors.

DANIEL
Because you always pick paper.

ROBERT
Best two-out-of-three?

DANIEL
Sure.

ROBERT/DANIEL
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

DANIEL
Yes! Scissors cuts paper! Why did you pick paper again?

ROBERT
I thought it would be too obvious that I would pick paper and I could trick you

DANIEL
You thought wrong, my friend. Now, I believe you have a motorcycle to be.

ROBERT
Ugh. Fine.

(Robert gets on all fours. Daniel rides Robert as if he was a motorcycle.)

AMBER
I want to play this time!

DANIEL
Do you see a sidecar on this thing?

AMBER
…No…

DANIEL
Exactly. Step aside, pedestrian.

ROBERT
Are you ready to go?

DANIEL
I haven’t turned on the motorcycle yet.

ROBERT
Ugh!

(Daniel twists Robert’s ear.)

Ow! I mean… VRRRM VRRRR VRRRRR VRRRR.

(Daniel squeezes Robert’s shoulder as if it were an accelerator and Robert takes off. They run around for a bit before running over Cassie’s crayons and pictures.)

CASSIE
Hey! My pictures!

DANIEL
Get out of the road!

CASSIE
I’m not in the road! This is the coloring zone.

DANIEL
Bull. I don’t see a sign anywhere saying that.

CASSIE
It’s common knowledge!

DANIEL
Whatever, kid… This is my insurance info. I hope we can get this settled fairly and to both of our satisfactions.

CASSIE
Both of our satisfactions!? You hit me! The law is on my side.

DANIEL
Oh really? If you’re so smart about the rules of the road, then tell me—who designated this a coloring zone in the first place?

CASSIE
The city planner! Besides, I can color anywhere I want. It’s a free country.

DANIEL
Not where the roads are concerned… What is that smell?

CASSIE
What? What is it?

DANIEL
I smell alcohol on your breath.

CASSIE
Liar!!!

AMBER
WEOOO WEOOO WEOOO.

What seems to be the problem here?

DANIEL
Thank God you’re here, Officer. I was just driving home from delivering puppies to poor children at the orphanage when this maniac came out of nowhere and ran into the road!

CASSIE
He’s lying!

DANIEL
I would never lie about puppies or orphans.

CASSIE
You’re full of it, mister!

AMBER
Hold on. Everyone just relax. Let’s keep things civil, okay?

CASSIE
Okay.

DANIEL
Whatever you say, Officer.

AMBER
Now, miss, let’s hear your side of the story.

CASSIE
I was just minding my own business, coloring a beautiful princess, when he ran over my stuff!

AMBER
Were you in the road?

CASSIE
I... Well... Apparently, there has been some confusion as to where the road starts and where the coloring zone is.

DANIEL
Hot damn!

AMBER
I see.

(Amber starts writing.)

AMBER
Have you been drinking tonight, ma’am?

CASSIE
I may have had one or... Two Capri Suns.

(Everyone but Cassie gasps.)

They were sugar free! I swear!

AMBER
Uh huh. I’m sure they were... May I see your coloring book?

CASSIE
... Why would you need to see that?

AMBER
Just let me see the book, ma’am.

(Cassie hands Amber the book.)

Yep. Just what I thought. You seem to be having a lot of trouble coloring inside the lines for a sober person.

CASSIE
No, I... I’m just not good at that yet!

AMBER
Quiet! Another word out of you and I’m taking you downtown. Now, what’s your side of the story, MoPed?

ROBERT
BRRMM DMMM DMMM IRK! THUD! GLUG GLUG GLUG, VRRRM.

AMBER
Uh huh. Yeah. I think I’ve heard enough.

DANIEL
What’s the verdict, Officer?

AMBER
I find you, Cassie, guilty of drinking and coloring.

(Everyone gasps.)

That’s a third-degree misdemeanor. I’m afraid I’m going to have to take you to jail.

CASSIE
What!? Why do I have to go to jail? Why can’t I just get a slap on the wrist.

(Cassie holds out her wrist.)

ROBERT
Ow, that sounds painful.

CASSIE
It’s not. Mommy says celebrities and rich people get one all the time.

AMBER
I’m sorry, Cassie, but you’re not a celebrity or a rich person. If you break the law then you go to jail. It’s simple as that. Now, you can pay bail, but I don’t think you have enough candy.

CASSIE
All I have is a kit kat.

AMBER
King sized?

(Silence.)

You’re going away for a long time.

CASSIE
No!!!

DANIEL
Stop it, Amber. This is stupid. You can’t just change the game like that.

AMBER
Can too.

CASSIE
No, he’s right. They agreed to play motorcycle and then you came in and made it cops and robbers.

ROBERT
Technically, cops and jay walkers.

DANIEL/AMBER
Shut up, Robert.

(Robert zips his mouth shut.)

AMBER
The game is still in the realm of motorcycle. I just expanded the world!

DANIEL
Face it, Amber. You ruined the game.

AMBER
Well, I’m sorry for wanting to change things up. We never play cops and robbers-slash- jaywalkers anymore.

DANIEL
Because you always get to be the cop! Why do you always want to be the cop, huh?

AMBER
Because somebody has to do it. We can’t just let bad things go unpunished.

DANIEL
Yeah, well I say you only want to be the cop so you can abuse your authority!

AMBER
Say that to my face!

(Daniel and Amber continue bickering with each other until they get into an all-out fight. They eventually start pummeling each other on the ground. They roll off into the wing.)

(Cassie pulls Robert aside.)

CASSIE
What are we going to do? They always get like this when we play. They both think they know what’s best.

ROBERT
I know. We play, they fight, then you and I are caught in the middle of it all.

CASSIE
Well, the problem is Amber always changing the game.

ROBERT
The problem is Daniel doesn’t trust her to make those types of calls.

CASSIE
Maybe that’s because we always do what Daniel wants? I mean, have we ever given anyone besides Daniel the chance to make up an entire game that we had to follow to the letter?

ROBERT
Well, I’m not too good with letters yet.

CASSIE
That’s okay. You’re good at other things.

ROBERT
I really appreciate that. But, I also think you’re on to something.

CASSIE
Me too… What if there was a way to give everyone a chance to control the game we play? Maybe that way, we’ll all start to see our differences and learn how to appreciate each other’s play styles?

ROBERT
I don’t know, Cassie. I’m not sure they’ll go for something like that. Maybe we shouldn’t rock the boat?

CASSIE
Just trust me, Robert. Follow my lead. It’ll be more appealing if you have my back.

(Amber and Daniel roll back onstage, still fighting. They eventually tire themselves out and exhaustedly lay on their backs.)

DANIEL
Face it, sis—Your ideas are stupid.

AMBER
They’re not stupid! Forgive the heck out of me for trying to spice things up a little bit by throwing a curveball into your boring game. We should be exploring ways to make games fresh and new. What fun, new games have you had us play recently?

DANIEL
I... Uh... I don’t need to try new games because my games work, damnit. They are tested and proven to be enjoyable for everyone.

AMBER
If they are so enjoyable, how come you and Robert were both fighting NOT to be the motorcycle?

DANIEL
Whatever. This is dumb.
 
AMBER
You’re dumb!

DANIEL
Oh yeah?!?

(Daniel and Amber square up to each other again.)

CASSIE
Whoa! Easy there. Let’s not do anything we’re going to regret. You two are brother and sister. Are there any bonds in this world more sacred? We can’t let this petty squabbling destroy our ability to play with each other.

AMBER
What are you proposing?

CASSIE
I would like to call an emergency meeting of the Playdate Committee.

DANIEL
That’s dumb. Is anyone in favor of opening up an emergency meeting?

CASSIE
Robert?

ROBERT
I, uh...

DANIEL
You what?

(Daniel looks intimidatingly at Robert.)

ROBERT
I… Nothing.

CASSIE
Robert, come on! You’re supposed to have my back on this!

DANIEL
Look, if nobody wants to have this meeting, I’m afraid we’ll just have to table that discussion until next quarter.

AMBER
I second Cassie’s motion.

DANIEL
Amber, what the heck?

AMBER
She’s right, Daniel. We can’t bite each other’s heads off every time we disagree on how to play. We need a solution.

CASSIE
Then it’s settled. Let the meeting begin.

ROBERT
Well, Cassie? What do you think we should do?

CASSIE
I propose a contest: Who can make the best game. The only condition is, no matter what, we have to play the game as the creator intends.

AMBER
That sounds easy enough. What order will we play the games in?

DANIEL
I call first!

AMBER
No fair!

DANIEL
I called it. Right, Robert?

ROBERT
Uh…

DANIEL
I said… Right, Robert?

ROBERT
Right.

AMBER
Whatever. You can go first, as long as I can go last.

DANIEL
Why would you want to go last?

AMBER
Someone has to save the day once all your games prove to be garbage.

ROBERT
Oh snap.

DANIEL
Very funny. Cassie? Robert? Which one of you will go first?

CASSIE
Robert can go.

ROBERT
You sure, sis?

AMBER
Fine. Daniel then Robert then Cassie then me.

DANIEL
What are the criteria for winning?

CASSIE
The game has to be enjoyable, comprehensive, and has to at least try to start each player on equal ground. Oh! And it has to be a game that we've never played before.

ROBERT
Will there be any goldfish crackers provided, or will we have to supply our own?

AMBER
I’ll field this one, Cassie. Our mom just went to the store and bought two boxes of goldfish crackers. One regular cheddar and the other... Pizza flavored.

ROBERT
Yes!!!

DANIEL
Alright! Pizza flavored.

CASSIE
Do these terms satisfy everyone? Say “aye”.

DANIEL
Wait! What do we get if we win?

CASSIE
Hmmm… I say the winner… Gets to decide what games we play for a whole month!

AMBER
High stakes.

DANIEL
I like my odds.

CASSIE
So? Are we doing this or not?

EVERYONE
Aye.

CASSIE
The aye’s have it. Good luck gentleman. And Godspeed. (Robert and Cassie exit.)
AMBER
You better play by the rules.

DANIEL
The way I see it--The games are brand new. Every game needs to be tested and refined. Whose to say what the rules will be at the end of the day?

AMBER
Daniel.

DANIEL
(Beat.)
I don't know why you're fighting me on this. You know I'm the one in charge.

AMBER
And just who put you in charge?

(Beat.)

Oh… But that's not forever--

DANIEL
--Until he gets back.

AMBER
(Beat.)
Okay…

(Amber exits. The lights fade down until Daniel is in an isolated spot.)

DANIEL
I don't know why it's so hard for Amber to accept that I know better than her. That's why dad put me in charge. He's in the military. All my life he's been stationed in different parts of the world. Mom didn't want us all living on base with him because she didn't want to keep us from our grandparents. My grandma is sick and didn't want us to be away from her. If not for that, we would be with my dad more often. Last time he was stationed in Germany. I would have loved to be there with him. We could have ate schnitzel on the ruins of the Berlin wall. I don't even know what schnitzel is, but dad said it was good. Schnitzel and a heaping spoon of horse radish. I've never had horse either, but if dad likes it, I'm sure I will too. I like most of the things he likes.
Sometimes we go driving in his truck and we listen to his favorite music. He listens to this band called "Boston" a lot. He gave me his old tapes when he got a CD player installed. I don't have a Walkman or anything, but when mom and Amber are in the garden, I play it on the stereo. I like it. It's a bond we share. That's why dad put me in charge. It's another bond we share. He got called away on another mission recently. He looked me square in the eyes and said, "you're in charge while I'm gone." He gave me a mission of my own, and I do not take these types of assignments lightly. It's my job to hold down the fort and by God that's what I'll do.

(Daniel puts a captain's hat on. Amber, Robert, and Cassie enter in sailor uniforms.)

Good morning, sailors!

AMBER
Daniel, what the heck is this? You're supposed to be trying new games out.

DANIEL
This is a new game.

AMBER
No it's not. It's a war game. You always make us play war games.

DANIEL
This is no war game, ensign. I assure you that the threat is real.

AMBER
That's not what I meant--

DANIEL
--These waters are full of Japanese subs. We're going to need all hands on deck, and a good captain to command them. Since I have the hat--I guess that's me. These are dangerous times, gentlemen. We have to be ruthless if we're going to survive this war. The Axis powers have a stranglehold on Europe, and now they want the Pacific.

ROBERT
Oh my god. We have to do something.

DANIEL
That's the spirit! I like your style, Ensign Robert.

AMBER
What style is that?

DANIEL
Obedient. I'm making him my first mate. You all can learn a thing or two from him.

CASSIE
Hey! The rules were that we all had to start on equal ground.

DANIEL
We did. I just assumed the role of the captain after we started. It only makes sense that the captain gets to promote those he finds valuable.

CASSIE
But that's not--

AMBER
It's okay, Cassie. Let him have this one.

DANIEL
That's more like it, Ensign Amber. You'll be scrubbing the poop deck tonight, but keep following orders and, who knows? Tomorrow we can promote you to barnacle scraper. Then potato peeler. Then maybe even Master of Latrines. The world is truly your oyster.

AMBER
Aye aye, Captain.

DANIEL
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.
There's something on the radar! What do you see, First Mate Robert?

ROBERT
I, uh… I see two Japanese subs closing in!

DANIEL
Dear God! Battle stations!

CASSIE
Uh…

DANIEL
Yes, Ensign Cassie? Is there a problem?

CASSIE
I just… Do we really have to fight the Japanese?

DANIEL
It's historically accurate. They were the major enemy in the Pacific during World War II.

CASSIE
Okay, but… I LOVE Japanese stuff. They've been our friends for so long now. It just feels weird to resurrect this long-dead animosity between our two nations… Ya know?

ROBERT
She's right, Captain. I love ramen. I eat it all the time.

AMBER
I love anime. I just… Freakin' love it.

CASSIE
I can't sleep without my Totoro pillow!

DANIEL
OKAY! Jeez. Who would you rather we fight - and keep it within the context of World War II.

CASSIE
Can't we just fight the Nazis?

DANIEL
Nazis? Did they even have a navy?

ROBERT
I have no idea. You never hear about it on history shows.

DANIEL
What about Argentina?

CASSIE
I'm sorry, Captain, but I believe the Spanish language pronounces it with a soft "g", as in "Ar- hen-tina".

DANIEL
Oh. I didn't realize. What about Arhentina?

AMBER
As an enemy?

DANIEL
They were sympathetic toward the Nazis. What if they decided to attack our Pacific Fleet?

AMBER
Hmmm. Okay. I like it. But, what do the people of Argentina sound like?

DANIEL
They are called, "Argentinians".

CASSIE
Arhentinians.

DANIEL
Oh, right, sorry. Arhentinians. And, I have no idea what they sound like. I think they're South American.

AMBER
Hmmm. Okay… Okay.

DANIEL
Enough chatter! The enemy subs have disappeared from our radar, but they might come back soon. We have to prepare for attack!

AMBER
Yeah… You know, I think it might be a good idea for Ensign Cassie and I to double check the torpedo room. Make sure we don't have any misfires.

DANIEL
Good idea. Hop to it, men. We don't know when those ruthless Arhentinians will return.

AMBER
No… You don't… Come on, Cassie.

CASSIE
We won't blow up, will we?

AMBER
Maybe it'd be better if you don't touch anything. How about you supervise?

CASSIE
Yes ma'am!

(Amber and Cassie exit.)

DANIEL
That should be plenty of busy work to keep them occupied while we do the REAL work.

ROBERT
What do you mean, Captain?

DANIEL
I mean that we're two of a kind, First Mate Robert. We were born to be leaders. Myself, a slightly more important leader, but you just one or two titles below mine. Amber and Cassie, well, they were born for a less glorious status in life.

ROBERT
Aye sir.

(Silence.)

DANIEL
I sure do love nights like these. Do you agree, First Mate?

ROBERT
Aye. Red skies at morning, sir.

DANIEL
That's an interesting saying. What does it mean?

ROBERT
I think it means, "smooth sailing from here on out."

DANIEL
Your whimsical language keeps me young. That's part of the reason why I promoted you.

ROBERT
I've come a long way from peeling potatoes, sir.

DANIEL
That you have. That you have. You should write your girl about the promotion. Do you have a girl back home, First Mate Robert?

ROBERT
I haven't been so lucky just yet.

DANIEL
All in good time, matey. All in good time. The ladies love a military man.

ROBERT
Do you have a gal back home, Captain?

DANIEL
The ocean is my only, real love. Not this one -- the Pacific.

ROBERT
Which ocean are we in now?

DANIEL
The Atlantic. We would be in the Pacific, but this new, "don't hurt the Japanese" policy brought us here.

ROBERT
I'm sorry, sir.

DANIEL
Of course, I also have a wife. I don't love her as much as I love the sea, though... I have a picture of her. Would you like to see?

ROBERT
Very much, sir.

(Daniel unfolds a large map. He points to the Pacific Ocean.)

She's beautiful, sir.

(Robert moves to touch the map, but Daniel slaps his hand away.)

DANIEL
Don't touch it, ya slimy sea dog.

ROBERT
Sorry, Captain.

DANIEL
I believe you owe me some push-ups, sea dog.

ROBERT
Sir, I--

DANIEL
No excuses. You must pay for your insubordination. Ten push-ups.

ROBERT
Aye aye, Captain.

DANIEL
I think I will write my wife. She does worry when we are on long missions like this.

(Robert starts doing push-ups.)

ROBERT
Of course, sir.

(Daniel starts penning a letter.)
 
DANIEL
My dearest Rebecca,

It has been a fortnight since we last spoke. These many months on the Atlantic have begun to take a toll on me. The rations are running low, but we keep a brave face on for the men. They have become agitated with nothing but beans and peaches night after night. Some of the men, especially my new first mate, have become openly insubordinate. I fear lashing might be in his future to keep him in line. The men's morale continues to drop. We tell them that we will pick up more, better supplies at the next harbor, but the next harbor alludes us. The Admiral keeps us in suspense as we await orders to attack the Arhentinian forces. Still, I'm afraid if we don't see some action soon, the men's morale will be too diminished to fight. They have taken to bare knuckle boxing and tickle fights in order to maintain some semblance of society from back home…

I must go now. Give my love to the children. One day soon, I will be there to hold you again. Yours in love,
Captain Daniel.

ROBERT
That was beautiful, Captain.

DANIEL
Red skies at morning.

(BAM! An explosion rocks the boat, sending Robert and Daniel stumbling around the deck.)

ROBERT
What was that!?

DANIEL
War, my dear boy. That was the sound of war.

ROBERT
Decks two and three have taken major damage, but we don't seem to be taking on water.

DANIEL
A warning shot… That must mean--

(Amber and Cassie run onstage in pirate costumes and eye patches. They are each carrying two wrapping paper tubes.)

It's a boarding party. They're trying to take the ship!

AMBER
Argh! Surrender your ship ya ol' barnacle slags! This vessel now be under Arrrhentinian control!

DANIEL
You're Arhentinians?

AMBER
No, we be Arrrhentinians.

DANIEL
Arhentinians.

AMBER
No, Arrrhentinians. With three "r's".

ROBERT
(Rolling his "r's")
Arrrhentinians?
 
AMBER
No, that's Spanish. Don't roll the "r".

ROBERT
I thought you were Spanish.

CASSIE
No, we're Arhentinians.

AMBER
No, we're Arrrhentinians. We broke away from the Arhentinian navy to form a pirate collective that obeys no army. And no man.

CASSIE
VIVA LA ARRRHENTINA!

AMBER
That's the spirit, Pirate Queen Cassie. What say you, Captain Daniel? Do you surrender yer vessel to us?

DANIEL
Over my dead body.

AMBER
That can be arranged. But, not without a fair fight.

(Amber and Cassie throw their spare swords over to Robert and Daniel.)

Prepare to die, boys!

DANIEL
Quiet, you pirate scum! The only ones who will be dying this day are you two.

AMBER
Enough talk. Let's fight!

(Daniel and Robert charge Amber and Cassie. A spectacular sword fight ensues.) (Eventually, Cassie is stabbed by Robert.)
(Amber pushes Daniel away and he stumbles.)

(Amber stabs Robert in the stomach, and he falls toward Daniel. Daniel takes Robert in his arms.)

ROBERT
I'm dying, Captain.

DANIEL
Shhh. Don't say that.

ROBERT
It's funny. We have been at sea for years, but I never thought to look up at the stars. They are so beautiful.

DANIEL
Go to them, First Mate Robert. Go live amongst the stars.

ROBERT
Red sky at morning, Captain. Red sky at…

(Robert dies.)
 
DANIEL
Fare thee well, my friend.

(Daniel gently lays him down.)

He had one week until retirement. 

AMBER
Oh boo hoo. Every man must die. Now, are we going to fight or what?
 
DANIEL
Fine. But, no more of our men's blood shall be spilled. You and I fight for total control of the ship.

AMBER
To the death?

DANIEL
To the death.

(Daniel and Amber charge each other. They have an intense sword fight. Amber hits Daniel in the chest.)

AMBER
Ah ha! A fatal wound to any man!

DANIEL
Uh… No. You just scratched me.

AMBER
Nonsense! I hit you square in the chest.

DANIEL
Every US Navy captain wears body armor. Impenetrable to small arms fire and pirate sabers!

AMBER
Lies!

CASSIE
Yeah! You're dead, Daniel.

DANIEL
Not ah! It's true. Right, Robert?

ROBERT
Um… Yeah. He's telling the truth. All captains wear it.

AMBER
Shut up, Robert. You're dead. And your opinion doesn't matter anyway. He would say anything to stay in Daniel's good graces.

DANIEL
That's not true. He has a mind of his own. Don't you, Robert?

ROBERT
Umm--

DANIEL
--See? He's a regular, free thinker. He just seems like he agrees with me all the time because he knows his place in the game.

AMBER
Whatever, Daniel. I hit you. That means the game is over.

DANIEL
Fine. We'll call it a draw then. Well done. Peace between nations has commenced. I survive and go on to become Admiral and you go on being a stinky, disgusting and poor pirate. Good luck with the scurvy.

CASSIE
Hey! It's over, okay? It's Robert's turn to make a game.

AMBER
Oh great. What are we going to play? Daniel is President while Robert does his laundry?

CASSIE
Stop it, Amber. I'm sure whatever it is will be fun and equitable.

AMBER
Yeah. Sure it will. I need a snack.

DANIEL
That's a good idea. Let's just take a minute and cool down. Some of you really need it.

(Amber, Cassie, and Daniel exit. The lights fade down on Robert, until he is in an isolated spotlight.)

(Robert puts on an oversized suit and fumbles with a tie before tying it completely wrong.)
 
ROBERT
Oh my god. I have no idea what to do. I--I--I've never been in this position before. Usually, I can just rely on somebody to create a game for everyone to play. That way, I happily take the role that's assigned to me and not have to worry about making too many decisions. I'm not too good at decisions. I wish I was… I wish I was more like my dad. He would know what to do in this situation. He knows what to do in every situation! He works in finance. Actually, the bank trusts him to decide what loans to give to which people. He says, "everyone deserves a fair shake, if they have the credit." I think that's a good motto to live by. So, I try to treat everyone fairly and give them credit for the things they do. He says he has aspirations to go higher. One morning he told us that his dream was to move to New York City and become a big shot. He wants to be one of those guys that stand on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange screaming "buy!" and "sell!". I told him he could do it, but mom had other plans. She said that kind of job would cost him his soul. Can you believe that? He joked that he would never sell his soul, but didn't mind using it as collateral if it'd make him partner one day. Cassie and I laughed. Mom didn't. He still thinks he'll get there some day. Sometimes, when mom goes to yoga, we all sit in the living room and watch movies about the stock market. My favorite is Wall Street, even though dad tells us to cover our eyes and ears a lot. From what I can tell, it's just a movie about people making money and being super happy. Who can lose their soul doing that?

(A window now sits on the stage along with a table and four chairs.)

(Cassie enters. She is wearing an oversized business suit.)

ROBERT
Well, we did it, Cassie. We completed the big merger. I have never deserved a scotch more.

CASSIE
Pour me one, partner. No reason you should celebrate alone. Then, when the new partners get here, we can celebrate again.

ROBERT
With more scotch!

CASSIE
With more money!

ROBERT
That's for damn sure. You want that scotch, "on the rocks"?

CASSIE
No thanks. I'm not wearing shoes. I'll just have it over here.

ROBERT
Perfect.

CASSIE
Mmmm. That's tasty.

ROBERT
You like it? Seven-year-old scotch.

CASSIE
Is it?

ROBERT
Yes. I can't wait until my next birthday. We can try eight-year-old scotch.

CASSIE
Oh, Robert. Always thinking of the future.

ROBERT
That's true. It's my curse. But, let's turn our attention to the present.

(He raises his glass.)

To the merger.

CASSIE
To new business partners.

ROBERT
To more time playing golf.

(They both laugh.)

CASSIE
Say, when are those new partners getting here?

ROBERT
That's a good question. I sure hope THEY GET HERE SOON.

(After a beat, Amber timidly enters wearing her oversized suit.)

AMBER
Uh… Hi.

ROBERT
Amber! Good to see you. I hope that your partner will be joining us as well?
 
AMBER
He said he'll be here soon. I'm supposed to come out and… Well… I'm not calling your game dumb, Robert. I really hope that you don't think I'm calling it dumb.

CASSIE
Uh oh.

AMBER
It's just that Daniel and I have no idea what you're talking about. I mean, what's a stocks market?

ROBERT
Stock market. It's where people buy pieces of companies that sell products and services. Our company invests money in other businesses, and if those businesses sell more stuff, we get more money.

AMBER
Oh! That's easy enough.

ROBERT
That's right! I knew you'd get it. You know, Daniel told me the other day that you can be really stubborn and have a hard time understanding things, but I disagree. You really are smart. I mean
- for a girl. I'm glad you're going to be a part of this company.

AMBER
Yes… Well, I'm just happy to be a part of the team. Hey! Why don't I go back out and we can rewind the tape and try this again?

ROBERT
Sounds good.

(Amber exits.) 

CASSIE
I can't believe you said that.

ROBERT
Said what?

CASSIE
What do you mean, what? You really don't know what that sounded like? You basically said you thought she was dumb until about a minute ago. Then you said she wasn't as smart as a man, which I took personal offense to.

ROBERT
That's ridiculous. I was just exchanging pleasantries with our new partner. That's why I was smiling the entire time. A smile says way more than words ever could. You should try it sometime.

CASSIE
…

ROBERT
No, like this.

CASSIE
…
ROBERT
Like this. See? Oh no. Don't wear your face like that. You know, it takes more muscles to smile than to frown, right?

CASSIE
Drop it, Robert.

ROBERT
Jeesh. I don't see what you're so worked up about. This is a day for celebrating!

(Amber enters in a hurry.)

Ah! The prodigal son returns.

AMBER
What?

ROBERT
I have no idea. Heard it in a movie once. Congratulation on the merger, Amber. Can I get you a scotch?

AMBER
No. Thank you. I wish I could find cause for celebration, but I'm afraid we have business to talk about first.

ROBERT
What business?

AMBER
Your business. We've brought to the table a well-managed and profitable portfolio. I've been going over your numbers and it seems you haven't lived up to your side of the deal.

CASSIE
Uh oh.

ROBERT
What are you going on about?

AMBER
We have concerns about your Apple stock.

(Robert and Cassie look at each other then laugh.)

ROBERT
Don't worry us like that, Amber. Apples are solid. Do you really expect me to believe that there is something wrong with our most reliable stock?

AMBER
That's exactly what I'm telling you.

CASSIE
Impossible!

ROBERT
Calm down, Cassie. Your blood pressure.

CASSIE
My blood pressure?

ROBERT
Yes. It's through the roof! Probably your lifestyle choices. You keep living as hard as you do and you'll die just as hard.

(Cassie looks at her scotch and puts it down in disgust.)

AMBER
Die Hard! We should have played Die Hard. That would have been much less lame.

ROBERT
My game would be fine if you just play it correctly.

AMBER
Oh, what's the matter, Robert. Can't handle a little conflict in your game? Especially when it's presented by a woman?

ROBERT
Whoa! I love all women. And I respect their input.

AMBER
Then let me introduce a little conflict, okay?

ROBERT
Ugh. Fine.

AMBER
Thank you. Now, as I was saying. We have noticed a massive problem with your Apple stock.

ROBERT
I don't believe you. Apples are bulletproof. The phrase, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" made sure of that. Are you telling me that people have stopped eating apples.

AMBER
I'm afraid so.

CASSIE
And just how did the entire world manage to change their minds about apples?

AMBER
It was easy. Once the doctors changed their minds about apples.

CASSIE
Which doctors?

AMBER
THE doctors. The one's that said, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away."

ROBERT
Well… What the hell do they say now?

AMBER
They say… "An orange a day keeps the doctor away."

ROBERT
Son of a bitch!

(Robert CRUSHES the scotch glass in his bare hand.)

CASSIE
I can't believe it.

(Cassie falls down, flabbergasted.)

AMBER
You fools. None of this would have happened if you just kept your eyes open.

ROBERT
Our eyes were open. They always are. We read the Times.

AMBER
The New York Times?

ROBERT
What else?

AMBER
It's a big country, Robert. You have to have eyes everywhere. Do you read the Florida Times?

ROBERT
Why on Earth would I read the Florida Times? Did they do an interesting profile on my nana?

AMBER
No, you oaf! Six months ago. Front cover. Orange groves. As far as the eye could see. Headline: "The Future Is Oranges".

CASSIE
But… But apples were a sure thing.

AMBER
Apples were a fools game! Any stock broker worth their salt could see that doctors were getting bored. I mean, it's been apples keeping the doctors away for forty years, people! You didn't think they would find a new hustle at some point? You didn't think they would back a new pony when this one got too old and decrepit to run the race anymore!? But no… You backed this horse and the American people just took it out back and shot it in the head.

CASSIE
Jeeze leweeze.

(Cassie holds her stomach as if she is going to be sick.)

ROBERT
How do we get out of this mess? Think, Cassie, think!

(Cassie thinks frantically, then pulls out a small tube, rips the top off, and pours a powder onto the back of her hand. She moves like she is going to snort it, but licks it off instead - shaking off the sour taste.)

Damnit, Cassie. I thought you were clean? Now, you're back riding the pixie?

CASSIE
Live fast and leave a beautiful corpse.

AMBER
Wow, you're really rolling with this.

CASSIE
We play hard, Amber!!

(Cassie rubs pixie dust into her gums.)

ROBERT
I know what to do. We'll just buy stock in oranges.

AMBER
The price is too high. We'll never be able to afford it.

ROBERT
Well then… We'll have to do something drastic.

CASSIE
Robert… Let's discuss this…

ROBERT
We're through talking. I will not be made a fool of. Now is the time for action.

(Robert picks up a phone and dials.)

Hello? Wall Street?... Good. Listen up. This is trading firm ROBERT, CASSIE, AMBER AND DANIEL… Yes, we used to specialize in apples… We're making a change. Take our stock out of whole apples and put it all into… Sauce.

AMBER
Interesting.

ROBERT
Yeah… I know we'll take a hit, but sauce is still a healthy and nutritious snack for both young and old people alike… What's that?... Our stock has normalized?... Well, that's amazing! I may have just saved this company after all!

(Cassie lights up.)

You have a wonderful day… I love you too. Bye bye.

CASSIE
You did it!

AMBER
Why did you tell the trader you loved them?

ROBERT
Common courtesy.

AMBER
It's weird.

ROBERT
Well, you know what, Amber? The only people I ever talk to on the phone are my mom and grandma and I always tell them I love them. It's called being a gentleman. Now, I think the bigger question is… Will our new stock in apple sauce be enough in the long run?

(CLAPPING is heard offstage.)

(Daniel enters wearing an oversized suit.)

DANIEL
Robert, you old so-and-so, I heard you made a big splash in apple sauce?

ROBERT
I just did what I had to. Looks like you merged with this company at just the right time.

DANIEL
I couldn't be happier. And, Cassie. You look radiant. I have a surprise for you.

(Daniel takes folded up pieces of paper out of his pocket and gives them to Cassie.)

CASSIE
What are they?

DANIEL
Well those, my dear, just happen to be all of the orange stocks in Florida.

ROBERT
Impossible!

CASSIE
We're saved!

DANIEL
Consider us a million dollars richer.

AMBER
You're welcome.

ROBERT
I… I don't know what to say. Thank you.

DANIEL
Oh, it was nothing. Just a little foresight that the old administration never had. Amber and I saw your apple stock rotting from a mile away.

CASSIE
Well, thank you.

DANIEL
I only wish I was on this board last week when I could have said something. It's clear that, for this company to succeed, we'll have to make some changes around here.

ROBERT
Changes? What changes?

DANIEL
Nothing you'll have to concern yourself with, Robert. Not for much longer.

CASSIE
Wow, there is a lot of tension in this room. Can I get anyone some coffee?

DANIEL
I'll have some coffee.

CASSIE
Milk? Sugar?

AMBER
I'll have a milk.

ROBERT
None for me, thanks. I'm fine with scotch.

(Robert pours himself another scotch.)

(Cassie exits.)

Can I get you a scotch, Daniel?

DANIEL
Please.

(Robert pours Daniel a scotch.)

You know, they say a fine scotch is a lot like making love.

ROBERT
What's "making love"?

DANIEL
I have no idea.

AMBER
You're a little shaky, Robert. Are you feeling alright?

ROBERT
Just realizing I'm surrounded by wolves, Amber.

DANIEL
You are, my friend. You are. That's the funny thing about partnerships. If we all want you out - you're out.

ROBERT
You wouldn't dare.

AMBER
Daniel.

DANIEL
Amber.

AMBER
Can I talk to you for a moment?

(Amber and Daniel move away from Robert.)

I think we're taking this too far. Let's just play the game normal.

DANIEL
The game has evolved, partner. You know it. I know it. If we work together we can take him out.

AMBER
I don't think that's how intended the game to go. He wants us all to be equal partners.

DANIEL
Bull. He's the one on the phones to the trading floor; making moves without our consent. Besides, you sent him on this downward spiral. It only makes sense we put him out of his misery.

AMBER
I was just introducing conflict.

DANIEL
Sure you were. And there was no part of you that wanted to be the one calling the shots?

AMBER
I…

DANIEL
That's what I thought. Games have to have a winner. It's the law of nature.

(Daniel and Amber rejoin Robert.)

You know, Robert. I never did properly congratulate you on this merger.

(Cassie enters with milk and coffee.)

Ah, thank you, Cassie.

(He raises his glass.)

Has anyone made a toast?

ROBERT
Yes. Way too many times.

DANIEL
Well then, one more can't hurt. To Robert and his wonderful foresight. He really is a financial genius, wouldn't you say, Amber?

AMBER
Uh… Here here.

CASSIE
Here here.

ROBERT
What are you getting at?

DANIEL
I'm just saying… Apple sauce is a quality stock. Not as good as our oranges, but still solid. Dependable. I'm just wondering if you would care to switch to something much more stable. Eternal, even.

ROBERT
More stable than apple sauce? I find that hard to believe.

CASSIE
What did you have in mind?

ROBERT
Cassie, don't believe them. They're crazy.

DANIEL
I'm glad you asked, Cassie. I'm talking about the stars themselves.

(Cassie's eyes light up.)

CASSIE
I LOVE STARS! They're so pretty.

DANIEL
It's a shame we don't have the money… Wait a moment. If apple sauce is so stable, then why don't we just dump apple sauce and purchase stars instead?

AMBER
The math works out.
 
ROBERT
But… Apples are my baby. I've been into apples my entire career. Besides, what can owning stars give us anyway?

DANIEL
Two words. Real estate.

ROBERT
Real estate? In this economic climate. The housing market is on a bubble and we can not afford to be involved in that right now.

AMBER
Who said anything about housing? We're talking about stars.

ROBERT
I don't get the difference.

AMBER
People buy stars all the time as gifts. My nana bought me one for my birthday last year. Stars have no legal claim by any government agency, so it's free land. And, there are literally tens of trillions of them.

DANIEL
Four words. Unlimited. Growth. Potential.

AMBER
Bingo was his name-o.

(Amber and Daniel fist bump.) 

CASSIE
Wait… That's only three words.

DANIEL
Wait…

(Daniel counts on his fingers as he mouths, "unlimited growth potential.)

Alright, so what? I don't know numbers that well yet, but I do know stocks, my friends, and stars are where the money is.

ROBERT
I refuse to sell.

DANIEL
That's not up to you, Robert. We're a partnership now. Let's put it to a vote. All those in favor of selling our shares in apple sauce and buying stars? Say "aye".

AMBER
Aye.

CASSIE
… Aye…

ROBERT
Cassie?

CASSIE
I'm sorry! They're so pretty, big bro. I want them.

DANIEL
Aye. The "aye's" have it.

ROBERT
You have no idea what you're doing. You didn't even know how to play this game until I told you.

DANIEL
Looks like we picked it up pretty fast. Looks like we're going to be the proud owners of Alpha Centauri, boys.

ROBERT
No! I refuse. I know what's best. I'll show you!

(Robert picks up the phone. Amber motions to take the phone away, but Daniel puts his hand up to stop her.)

Hello?... That's right, Robert from the trading firm of ROBERT, AMBER, CASSIE AND DANIEL… I need you to initiate OPERATION GREEN THUMB… That's right. All of them.

(Robert hangs up with a smug look on his face.)

CASSIE
Brother… What did you just do?

ROBERT
I bought a million shares.

CASSIE
A million! That could bankrupt us!

AMBER
What did you buy?

ROBERT
…. Plants! Beautiful, life-giving plants! I bought all of them!

AMBER
Plants?

ROBERT
Of course! You wanted a solid stock that people will always be interested in. Well, screw stars - they're too far away. But, plants! They are here, they are plentiful, and they're just as pretty as stupid stars!

(Daniel picks up the phone.)

DANIEL
Curious.

AMBER
What?

DANIEL
Robert, how are we supposed to make money on plants, when you bought all of the stocks with a futures trader?

ROBERT
What?

DANIEL
Look at the the caller ID. This is a futures firm. You bought seeds, Robert. Boring, non-pretty, useless seeds.

ROBERT
No… No, I… That can't be.

DANIEL
Face it, Robert. You've ruined us.

CASSIE
Are they telling the truth?

(Robert looks at the phone and decides to go along with things.)

ROBERT
I guess you've beaten me. Yes, Cassie. They're telling the truth. I messed up.

DANIEL
I don't think we can keep you as a partner, Robert. I vote we kick him out of the firm. All those in favor, say --

ROBERT
-- No, no. I've seen enough movies to know how this goes.

(Robert moves to the window.)

CASSIE
What are you doing?

ROBERT
Playing the game. Congratulations Daniel. Amber. You win.

CASSIE
No!

(Cassie runs to the window, but it's too late. Robert has jumped.)

DANIEL
Someone call 911. Tell them… Tell them, "heaven just gained another angel."

CASSIE
You killed him.

DANIEL
He killed himself. Another example of his poor decision making.

AMBER
You know, maybe he didn't have such poor decision making skills after all?

DANIEL
What do you mean?

AMBER
Well. He may have bought seeds in future bonds, but one day, those bonds will mature and become --

DANIEL
--Plants. And somebody has to be there when they bloom.

(Cassie is stunned.)

CASSIE
You… You planned this, didn't you?

DANIEL
Not all of it. We just knew we needed Robert out. We didn't plan on him jumping out of the window.

CASSIE
But he did jump out of the window. You're sick. I should vote you out of the firm!

AMBER
With what votes, Cassie? It'll be two-to-one every time. The numbers are in our favor, and if this game is all about numbers. Face it. We win.

DANIEL
Now, if you'll excuse us, we have some decisions to make regarding your new role in this company's future.

(Amber and Daniel chat mischievously as they exit.)

(The lights fade down until Cassie is in an isolated spot.)

CASSIE
My brother tried to make a game where there were no winners… It ended with him jumping out of a window… I don't get it. Why does there have to be a winner? Why do things always seem to get violent with Daniel and Amber? Sure, Daniel's war game was inherently violent. You can't have war without violence, but Robert's game had good intentions. Why did they have to mess that up? Why couldn't we do ONE thing as a team? Or… Was it simply Robert's naivety that got him splattered on the sidewalk? Maybe, the problem lies not with Daniel and Amber's propensity toward violence, but with the psychological failing of man in general and his natural inclination to embrace greed? Those two had no idea how to play the stock market, yet they still took to back-stabbing like an old habit. Is it too much to hope for peace in times of play? Or are we destined to live out this cycle of violent behavior over and over again? I don't… I don't want to do this.

(Robert peeks his head out from behind the window, unbeknownst to Cassie.)
 
CASSIE
I like nice things. I wish Daniel and Amber liked playing nice things. I wish my brother liked playing nice things. Is that too much to ask for!? I can play violent games every now and then, but can't we just play something nice once-in-a-while. What I wouldn't give to be a beautiful pony, just galloping through a meadow and drinking out of a stream or whatever ponies do. Or -- or we can just play House! Yeah! A house with a gorgeous garden out back -- oooo, yeah.
Gardens are full of possibilities! In gardens, you can plant anything you want! Say, I want to cook some rosemary chicken. Amber could just go plant some damn rosemary in the damn garden and we can harvest it and cook it that night! How amazing is that!? And - and, it's not like the boys won't have anything to do. They can chop wood or build additions to our house or join us in the garden if they want. It doesn’t always have to be fast cars or gun fights or things like that. It can just be friends planting a garden together. Why can't they see the beauty in that?
Well… It's my turn to make a game. I bet if I'm inventive enough, I can find a way to get what I want.

(Cassie takes off her oversized suit and leaves it on the ground and exits.)

(Robert steps out from behind the window. He picks up Cassie's suit and his window, then exits in the opposite direction from Cassie.)

(Lights out.)

(Lights up. There is a table and four chairs on the stage.)

(Robert, Cassie, and Daniel enter. They are all wearing variations of sparkly, bedazzled clothes.)

DANIEL
This is stupid.

ROBERT
Shhh. Cassie will hear you. We agreed to play all of our games, no matter what.

AMBER
Okay, so what is this game? Magical Unicorn Fairytale Land?

CASSIE
(Offstage.)
It's Princess Buttercup's Café and Restaurant!

AMBER
Cause that's better.

ROBERT
Just play the damn game.

DANIEL
Whoa. Where was this Robert in the board room an hour ago?

ROBERT
I just think we should give this game a shot. Play it the way she intends it to be played.

DANIEL
Sure, buddy. I'll play it the way she intends. I'll start by making my character. Sir Daniel. Bravest knight in the kingdom! And you shall be my trusty squire, Rob.

ROBERT
What?

DANIEL
You have a problem with that?

ROBERT
… No…

DANIEL
That's what I thought.

AMBER
Quit it, Daniel. We have no idea what this game will entail. Let's figure out how to play before we do anything else.

(Calling.)

Cassie. We're not quite sure what to do here.

CASSIE
(Offstage.)
First, I would like to thank you for choosing Princess Buttercup's Café and Restaurant. Please seat yourself. You princess will be with you shortly.

DANIEL
Well, that explains it.

AMBER
Let's just sit down.

ROBERT
How about a booth?

AMBER
They're bad for your posture.

ROBERT
The doctor says my scoliosis is getting worse.

AMBER
So get a chair and put it on the end of our booth.

ROBERT
Ugh. Fine…

(They look at the only table.)

AMBER
This'll do.

(They sit.) 

DANIEL
What do we do!?

CASSIE
(Offstage.)
Just talk! I'll be out in a minute.

(Daniel picks up a cute, hand-colored menu.)

DANIEL
So… You guys never told me how much you liked my game.

AMBER
It was alright.

DANIEL
… Just alright?

AMBER
Honestly, Daniel, it was a little unimaginative.

DANIEL
Unimaginative! It had a whole, epic battle scene!

AMBER
Yeah, because of me. I know how you operate. You put yourself in a position of power and make your subordinates swab the deck and do push-ups for hours. Face it -- my Arrrhentinian pirates rescued your boring game.

DANIEL
Whatever. You just don't like realism. I'm sorry, but that grunt work is a big part of military life.

AMBER
And how would you know that?

DANIEL
Dad told me.

(Beat.) 

AMBER
When?

DANIEL
Just before he left. He said he doesn't have much time for anything else except for cleaning duty, and operations training, and military exercises. He says they keep him working from dawn til dusk. That's why he can't write or call as much anymore. He said a man is only as good as the amount of work he puts in. That's why he put me in charge. He wants me to put in the work. He wants me to lead while he's away.

AMBER
And how long do you think that'll be?

DANIEL
It's only been a year, so… I dunno… He didn't say.

AMBER
Yeah. That sounds about right.

(There is an awkward silence.)
 
CASSIE
(Offstage.)
I don't hear playing out there!
 
ROBERT
Come on, guys. Let's just play.

AMBER
Ugh… Okay. Let's give it a chance.

(Daniel reluctantly looks at the menu again.)

DANIEL
What's good here?

AMBER
I've never been.

ROBERT
Me either. I think they're famous for their buttercups.

DANIEL
Really? Hmm. Well, that covers dessert, but what about dinner?

ROBERT
Let me see.

(Daniel hands Robert the menu.)

DANIEL
See if you can make sense of that. There's no words - just illegible pictures.

ROBERT
She can't spell yet.

DANIEL
And I'm supposed to believe she can properly run a restaurant when she can't even spell?

ROBERT
You are supposed to suspend your disbelief.

DANIEL
Whatever.

(Silence.)
 
AMBER
Weather's nice today.

DANIEL
Oh my god.

AMBER
What?

DANIEL
Small talk? This game involves small talk? That's nonsense! We might as well be trapped in an elevator.

ROBERT
I like small talk. No muss, no fuss.

DANIEL
I'm sorry, but if this is the entire game then I'm going to lose my freaking mind.

AMBER
Be quiet.

DANIEL
There's no forward motion here. What am I supposed to be doing!?

AMBER
The game JUST started. Let's give it a chance.

DANIEL
Fine…

(Cassie enters, dressed in an absurdly large and ornate princess gown.)

Oh no.

CASSIE
Hello, my fantastical friends. I am Princess Buttercup and welcome to my café and restaurant. We are the highest rated restaurant in all the kingdom, according to Yelp. We frequently serve the most brave and noble knights in the land, as well as princes and princesses from far off lands.

ROBERT
Wow! That's impressive. I bet the food is just as impressive!

CASSIE
Absolutely! Not to brag, but there are rumors in the food community that we may get our first Michelin Tire soon.

AMBER
Oh… That's exciting!

CASSIE
Fingers crossed. So, what can I get you to drink?

AMBER
Black coffee, please.

ROBERT
Just water for me.

CASSIE
And for you?

DANIEL
Do you have a favorite drink, Princess Buttercup?

CASSIE
Why, yes. I prefer the tea.

DANIEL
What kind of tea?

CASSIE
It's, uh… Black tea.

DANIEL
You have a magical restaurant and just serve black tea?

CASSIE
I mean green tea. With sparkles.

DANIEL
Okay, is it green tea or black tea? Because there is a huge leap in caffeine levels between green tea and black tea, and I don't want to be up all night.

CASSIE
Um… We also have chamomile. No caffeine.

DANIEL
Okay. I'll take the chamomile. Was that so hard?

(Cassie is taken aback. Robert glares at Daniel.)

CASSIE
I'll… I'll be right back with your drinks and to take your dinner order.

(Cassie exits.)

ROBERT
What the hell was that?

DANIEL
I'm particular about my tea.

ROBERT
You didn't have to argue with her. You're going to make her feel dumb. Creating a new game is a very vulnerable thing.

DANIEL
Is that why you fell apart during yours?

ROBERT
Hey! I played that game to its natural conclusion based around the choices I made.

DANIEL
Then you made some dumb choices.

AMBER
Daniel. Cut it out.

DANIEL
What? I don't recall you thinking I was too harsh on him when we were taking over his business. We can do the same thing here. Sure, Cassie's game is boring now, but just imagine what it can be with our… Creativity.

AMBER
…

(Cassie enters with a tray of drinks. She places them down at the table. She takes out a notepad and a small pencil.)

CASSIE
Now, what would you like to eat? Ladies first.

AMBER
Oh… Uh, I haven't really had a chance to look at the menu. Come back to me.

DANIEL
Well, I will have the Dragon Burger. Is that spicy?

CASSIE
Very.

DANIEL
Perfect. Can I get buttered noodles instead of fries? I'm on a buttered noodles kick.

CASSIE
I'm sure the chef can arrange that. And for you, sir?

ROBERT
What's the special?

CASSIE
The special is goblin stew with fairy dust.

ROBERT
Yum. I will have that with extra fairy dust.

CASSIE
Extra… Fairy… Dust…

DANIEL
Hey, can I see your notebook there.

CASSIE
Why -- why do you want to see it.

DANIEL
I just want to make sure you're getting the order right. I'm very particular about my order.

CASSIE
I… Uh…

AMBER
He's just messing around. I'm sure you're writing the order down correctly. You're a professional, after all.

CASSIE
Thank you. And, um, what can I get you, ma'am?

AMBER
I'll just take the BLT. Stick with a classic.

CASSIE
Well, it's a good thing we're famous for our BLT! Let me go put in this order and the food will be out in no time.

(Cassie exits.)

AMBER
You need to stop screwing around, Daniel. She was really offended by that.

DANIEL
I'm just testing the waters, pal. If she can't spell enough to make a simple menu, how the hell is she going to write my order down right?

(Daniel takes out a crayon and a notepad.)

ROBERT
What are you doing?

DANIEL
I'm afraid I haven't been entirely honest with you pertaining to the true nature of our visit. I am not just the bravest knight in the kingdom… For, I am also the most well-respected foodie in this and any realm, and I have been selected by Mr. Michelin himself to see if this restaurant is deserving of a Michelin Tire.

ROBERT
What? That's ridiculous.

DANIEL
Why is that ridiculous? Times are tough. Adventuring doesn't pay as much as it used to. So, I took a side gig with Michelin.

ROBERT
No, no, no. No side gigs. Let's just be adventurers who are taking a quick break from slaying goblins and catching a bite to eat.

DANIEL
That's far too simple, Squire Rob.

(Daniel starts writing.)

"Wait staff, does not provide warm and welcoming environment."

ROBERT
You're being mean, Daniel.

DANIEL
The Michelin approval process is ruthless. We expect only the best.

(Cassie enters with food.)

CASSIE
Who's hungry?

AMBER
That was quick.

DANIEL
Suspiciously quick.

AMBER
Stop.

(Cassie puts the food down.) (Daniel slices into his hamburger.)
DANIEL
Just what I thought.

CASSIE
Is there a problem?

DANIEL
I'll say there's a problem. This burger is raw. The menu says it comes medium.

CASSIE
I am so sorry. I can have the chef make you another one.

DANIEL
He better. I didn't want to pull this card, but.

(Daniel produces a crumpled piece of paper and hands it to Cassie.)

Sir Daniel. I work for Michelin.

CASSIE
No!

DANIEL
Oh yes.

AMBER
You're being a jerk, Daniel.

DANIEL
Let's be real, Princess Buttercup. We all know you're struggling. I mean, the Witch's Cauldron across the street just shut down, and they were an institution in this realm. Times are tough all over for small businesses and the restaurant industry is not immune -- especially a restaurant as new as yours.

CASSIE
Shut up! You can't just make up given circumstances about the world!

DANIEL
Well, somebody has too! Face it, Cassie. This restaurant will fail without my recommendation. Now, you can have it… For a price.

AMBER
You're taking control again, Daniel.

DANIEL
I'm in charge.

AMBER
You're not in charge of them!

DANIEL
Oh yeah? Cassie?

CASSIE
I just wanted to play something nice.

DANIEL
And it can still be nice. All you have to do is give me control of the restaurant. I promise, I won't make any huge changes. Hell -- you can even keep the name! You give me control and Michelin will be very happy. Just imagine what that accolade will do for your business.

(Cassie looks to Robert.)

I'm sorry. Does my lowly squire have a stake in this negotiation?

(Robert bows his head in shame.)

That's what I thought.

CASSIE
… Okay… You win, Daniel. You can have the restaurant.

DANIEL
That's right.

AMBER
No. It's not right. Daniel, you've taken things way too far.

DANIEL
Be quiet and eat your food.

AMBER
The food… That's it! Princess Buttercup, what did you say the goblin stew was garnished with again?

CASSIE
Uh, fairy dust. Why?

(Amber dips her finger into the stew.)

ROBERT
Hey! I was gonna eat that!

(Amber puts the stew on the tip of her tongue.)

AMBER
Probably best that you didn't. This isn't fairy dust at all. It's powdered unicorn horn!

(Everyone gasps but Amber.)

I'm a magic detective -- Narcotics, Potions, and Magic Wands Division. Powdered unicorn horn is illegal in the fairytale kingdom. I'm afraid I'll have to hold the owner personally responsible for this indiscretion. Daniel, you are under arrest for the trafficking and selling of powdered unicorn horn.

DANIEL
Au Con Air, monsoeur. I'm not the owner of this restaurant.

AMBER
Cut the crap, Daniel. We just saw you take control.

DANIEL
And did you see me sign anything?

(Silence.)

Nothing? Well, I'll answer that for you, then. I didn't. The restaurant still belongs to Princess Buttercup. Frankly, I'm glad that the transaction was never finalized. It is truly appalling that Princess Buttercup would stoop so low as to sell illegal unicorn horn. Oh well. I guess you'll be taking her off to jail now.

CASSIE
Amber?

AMBER
I… I'm sorry, Cassie. I thought I was helping.

CASSIE
You ruined everything. I tried to be equitable. I tried to rein in your stupid, controlling tendencies, but you people can't just go with the flow. Why? Would it be so hard to just play together instead of against each other? Do whatever you want. I'm done playing.

(Cassie exits.)

DANIEL
Good riddance. Come on. Let's go find another adventure, Squire Rob.

ROBERT
No way. You're being a real jerk today.

(Daniel stands menacingly in front of Robert.)

DANIEL
What did you say?

AMBER
Stop it, Daniel. What, are you going to hit your best friend now? Is that who you've become?

(Daniel backs down. He exits angrily.)

Robert, I --

ROBERT
-- Save it, Amber. I don't want to hear what you have to say.

(Robert shakes his head in complete frustration, then exits.)

(The lights fade down until Amber is in a spot.)

AMBER
Everyone is gone… I don't want to be left alone… I guess I deserve it. Stupid, Amber. I was just trying to help. I don't… I don't know what to do. On one hand, I want my friends to be happy. On the other hand, I want my brother to be happy. On the other hand, I mean, I don't have another hand. On the other foot, I want to be happy. We're all so different. And Daniel, well… Daniel thinks he's better than everyone. He thinks he's better than me. He's not. Dad put him in charge, hmpf. Yeah right. He doesn't have the authority to put Daniel in charge. He doesn't have any say over this family any more. Not after…

(Amber takes a deep breath to try and calm herself.)

AMBER
About a month ago I saw him. He was supposed to be thousands of miles away, but there he was. In the flesh. We were visiting friends downtown. Mom decided to take us into a grocery store real quick to pick up some snacks for our play date. Mom and Daniel were ahead of me.
Something in me sensed… something… and I turned down the aisle with all the house cleaning stuff and -- and there was my dad. He was buying soap just a few miles from our house. I thought he might have been on leave or something and coming down to surprise us. I thought I would just let it be and wait until he popped up out of some giant, gift-wrapped box, just ready to give Daniel and I the biggest hug in the world. I thought I could wait… But I couldn't. I hadn't seen him in so long. So, I called out to him… He took one look at me, then started walking in the other direction. I called for him again and again, but he just walked faster each time. And, and, I didn’t know what to think. Maybe it wasn't him, but just some doppelganger that happened to wear the same goofy, Tommy Bahama shirts. And the same cologne that always used to make me feel warm inside… When mom and I were alone that night, I asked her if it could have been him. She fought with herself for a bit, then told me the truth... Dad left us... He found love somewhere new and didn't want anything to do with us anymore. She told me this without shedding a tear. She had been dealing with it for eleven months after all. Still, I found it curious as to why she wasn't crying. In that moment, I realized that I couldn't cry either. I wasn't sad, but… Angry. Angry that Daniel had been treating us like he owned us for almost a year. And why? All because some low life jerk told him so? How could he worship this failure of a man without acknowledging my mom's sacrifice? She works so hard… I dunno. Maybe that's why I try to outshine Daniel at everything he does? I think, in doing so, I've been a real jerk to my friends. Guess I'll be playing solo for a while.

(The lights come up. There is a log on stage in front of a campfire.)

(Amber takes off her sparkly outfit to reveal a cowboy vest, jeans and gun holster.)

(She sits down on the log. She pulls a cowboy hat from behind the log and puts it on. She takes a can of beans from out of the fire and starts eating them.)

Long night on the trail. These old hands ain't what they used to be. Figure I'll just sit here an' warm myself up by the fire.

(Amber gets sick of the beans. She looks at the can with disdain.)

Figures the only thing here would be beans. Beans are what us folk on the trail live by. There was never a campfire I ever came across that didn't have no beans. Seems like that's all I've eaten for days, in fact. Beans for breakfast. Beans for lunch. Beans for supper. Beans in any way you can see 'em. Pinto. Black. Garbanzo. Baked beans in a sauce with little pieces of bacon in it. I've seen a great many things, and a great many beans.

(Daniel enters dressed like a Wild West outlaw.)
 
DANIEL
Oh my god will you shut up about the bean talk?

(Amber draws her gun.)

AMBER
Don't you come any closer there pardner.

DANIEL
Easy there. I come in peace.

AMBER
How did you know what game I would be playin'?

DANIEL
You love the Wild West. You're not that hard to figure out, sis.

AMBER
Well, either way, I ain't lookin' to play with others. This here is a solo adventure. This here is my fire. My camp.

DANIEL
Yer beans?

AMBER
Ugh. You can have 'em. I'm sick of beans.

(Amber holsters her gun.)
 
DANIEL
Thank you kindly.

(Daniel moves over to the log and starts eating beans.)

Ya see, I'm out here havin' my own little, solo-cowboy-adventure. I don't see no harm in them games interminglin' for a few minutes, do you?

AMBER
S'pose not.

(Amber reluctantly sits down next to Daniel.)

DANIEL
Mmm. Good beans.

AMBER
I'd rather not talk on beans, if ya don't mind?

DANIEL
Sure thang.

AMBER
So… Where ya'll from?

DANIEL
Amarillo. 'Fore that, Dallas. And 'fore that, the Alamo.

AMBER
Oh. I'm sorry. Were you there when it fell?

DANIEL
I remember it like it were yesterday.

AMBER
So, you were there?

DANIEL
No, I remember hearing about it like it were yesterday. Tragic, what happened to those folks. I was on patrol in Fort Worth when we received word of the attack.

AMBER
You were in the army?

DANIEL
Yep. Got wind of the battle right when it was happening. I wanted to go fight, but my orders were in Fort Worth. Ya can't disobey orders, ya see. No matter how much it hurts.

AMBER
You don't… Always have to obey people, pardner.

DANIEL
I don't anymore. I quit the army. Took to life as an outlaw. Ain't nobody tell me what to do now. Nobody tells me when to sleep, or what to eat, or how to play… Nobody tells me when I can see my family…

(Daniel chokes up.)
 
AMBER
Daniel. I have something to tell you… Dad isn't stationed overseas. He left us.

DANIEL
What?

AMBER
He left us, Daniel. He lives downtown with some woman. He told mom he didn't want to see us again… I'm sorry, Daniel.

DANIEL
…

AMBER
Say something.

DANIEL
You're a liar.

AMBER
I'm not a liar. I saw him. I tried to talk to him and he just ignored me. I asked mom why he did it and she told me the truth.

(Daniel holds his gun on her.)

DANIEL
You spread lies like that ag'in and yer gonna end up with a belly full a lead, ya hear me?

(Amber can't bring herself to look at him.) (Robert enters, guiding a horse.)
 

Whoa, there, horsey.

(Robert sees the hold up.)

You two are still playing?
 
ROBERT
 

DANIEL
Ain't none of your concern, Robert.

ROBERT
You really upset Cassie.
 
DANIEL
Not like you helped the situation.

ROBERT
No. I screwed up too. I let you two bully her around. That's why I'm taking this pony to her.

AMBER
We have our own thing going on here, Robert. Mosey on along.

ROBERT
Yeah, that's what I figured. Come on, Countess Seabiscuit.

(Robert exits with his horse.)

AMBER
I'm not lying to you.

(Daniel thinks deeply to himself.)

DANIEL
How much you think a countess would be worth to her people?

AMBER
What?

DANIEL
I figure that pony'd fetch a mighty fine price, especially since she's a countess. I heard she's a three time Kentucky Derby winner too. All I'm saying is, you and me team up and there ain't no stoppin' us from ransoming that prized pony.

AMBER
I'm not playing.

DANIEL
He's just a simple man. Ain't no trouble in ambushin' him. 'Specially with two guns.

AMBER
I said no.

(Amber moves her hand to her hip.)

DANIEL
Easy now. I can take a hint. Look, I can do this job without ya, but I figured I'd cut you in, on account of the beans and such.

(Amber is silent. She remains steadfast on her gun.)

Fine.

(Daniel begins pacing around.)

I can take a hint.

(Amber takes her hand off her hip.)

I suppose I'll just do the job myself.

(Daniel begins to walk offstage.)

Oh, but there is one thing.

AMBER
You finally ready to talk?

DANIEL
I prefer my gun speak for me.

(Daniel spins around with lightning fast speed. He draws his gun and SHOOTS Amber. She falls over.)

(Daniel blows the barrel of the gun, spins it around on his finger, and holsters it.)

Adios.

(Daniel exits.)

(Amber gets up, holding her shoulder. She inspects the wound.)

AMBER
Just a through-and-through. I'll be fine.

(She takes a bottle of whiskey from her bag. She uncorks the bottle with her teeth and takes a big swig - reeling from the taste. She takes a few quick, deep breaths, then pours whiskey on her wound.)
 
AMBER
AHHH!

(She falls over from the pain. She pants heavily, then takes out her gun. She examines the chambers.)

Full clip. I won't let you get away with this, brother. If it's the last thing I do.

(Lights down.)

(The lights come up on Cassie as she is drawing in the middle of the floor.) (Robert enters with his pony.)
CASSIE
What's that?

ROBERT
A pony. I got her for you.

(Cassie tries to repress her excitement.)

CASSIE
Oh… She's stunning.

(She continues coloring nonchalantly.)

ROBERT
Do you want to know her name?

CASSIE
Why - why - why would I want to know that?

ROBERT
It's cute.

CASSIE
Pfft. Like I care… what is it?

ROBERT
Countess Seabiscuit.

(Cassie immediately drops her crayons - unable to contain herself. She runs up to Robert and hugs him tight.)

CASSIE
Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god I love her so much!

ROBERT
I thought you might. She's all yours. Housebroken and everything. The only thing I think we might need to stock up on is hay.

CASSIE
Hay is for horses. She's a pony.

ROBERT
Oh yeah. What do ponies eat?

CASSIE
Baby carrots, duh!

ROBERT
Oh! You learn something new every day.

(Robert hands her the reins.)

Umm. Daniel and Amber are playing Wild West. Wanna play? We don't have to play with them. Just me and you can play.

(Cassie is silent.)

It'll be fuuuuuun.

CASSIE
I'm kind of sick of playing today. I just want to draw.

ROBERT
There's drawing in the Wild West. That's what you call it when you pull your gun on someone.

CASSIE
I'm sick of guns. I don't want to kill any more people today.

ROBERT
That could be your character! You're a retired gunslinger whose days of killing are in the past. You use the money from your last robbery to open up your own business and make an honest living for yourself.

CASSIE
Keep talking…
 
ROBERT
It can be just like Princess Buttercup's Café and Restaurant only in Wild West times! It can be Cowgirl Buttercup's Saloon and, uh, what's the word? Oh! Brothel! Cowgirl Buttercup's Saloon and Brothel!

CASSIE
What's a brothel?

ROBERT
I asked dad once when we were watching a Western and he said, "it's a place where lonely cowboys could get a good drink and a good woman."

CASSIE
Aw. I hope they found a woman like mom. She's the best.

ROBERT
That's why we'll only hire the best.

CASSIE
We?

ROBERT
Sure. We can run this place together! You can be the front of house manager. Tell jokes to the regulars, ya know? Maybe play a little pianee if the mood strikes you.

CASSIE
Do I have to kill anyone?

ROBERT
Only if you want to.

(Cassie lights up. She hugs Robert again.)

CASSIE
I'm in! You're the best brother ever. Three cheers for the opening of Cowgirl Buttercup's Saloon and Brothel! Hip Hip--
 
DANIEL
(Offstage.)

Hurray.

(Daniel enters.)

What? Did I ruin the party? Sorry about that.

CASSIE
What do you want, Daniel?

DANIEL
Oh, you've heard of me? Well, I guess the reputation of Daniel "Mad Man" McGraw has traveled to this lil' Podunk town after all.

(Robert moves his hand to his hip, but Daniel beats him to it. He draws and aims at Robert's heart.)

Too slow, ya yellow bellied son-of-a-gun.

ROBERT
What do you want?

DANIEL
Why, the pony of course? Figure she's worth a pretty penny.

CASSIE
She's not for sale.

DANIEL
I ain't lookin' to buy.

(Cassie rushes Daniel, but he points his gun at her. She stops in her tracks.)

ROBERT
Hey!

(Robert steps in front of Cassie.)

You don't point a gun at my sister.

DANIEL
Stand down, boy.
 
ROBERT
And if I don't?

DANIEL
Then I'll take ya out back, let ya make peace with yer god, then kill ya.

ROBERT
You're a mad man.

DANIEL
Ya got that right!

(Daniel pulls the hammer back on his gun. He fires five rounds at Robert's feet, causing Robert to dance.)

CASSIE
Stop it! Please!

(Daniel stops.)

DANIEL
Well… What's it gon' be, pardner? Ya gon' give up that pony?

ROBERT
Never.

DANIEL
So be it.

(Daniel steadies his aim.)

AMBER
(Offstage.)
Put the gun down, Mad Man.

(Amber walks in holding her gun on Daniel.)

DANIEL
Well! I'll be a monkey's uncle. I could've sworn I sent you to hell.

AMBER
You just knicked my shoulder. Next time, make sure you finished the job.
 
DANIEL
There's not gonna be a next time. I'm gon' kill you right now.

(Daniel aims his gun at Amber.)

AMBER
You sure about that?

DANIEL
What do you mean?

AMBER
I counted five shots just now. Being that you have a six shooter, I reckon you only have one bullet left. Meanwhile, I got a full six bullets in my gun. Fella over there has a gun on his hip. I'd say the odds aren't in yer favor.

DANIEL
Why you… You snake! I…

(Daniel looks around frantically for a way out. He takes Cassie hostage and puts his gun to her head.)

Seems to me like I only need one bullet after all. Now, you and the fella are gon' leave or I'll shoot her. Once yer far enough away, I'll simply take the pony and leave her safe as the day she was born.

AMBER
Daniel, stop it. This is taking it too far.

ROBERT
She doesn't want to play your game.

DANIEL
Shut up! We'll play whatever I want us to play.

CASSIE
Your game didn't win, Daniel.

DANIEL
Who cares!? Sometimes, life isn't fair.

ROBERT
Come on, Daniel. Put the gun down.
 
DANIEL
No! I am in charge of this situation.

AMBER
No, Daniel. You're not. And that's okay. Sometimes we can't control the narrative. Sometimes, we just have to go with what life throws at us. What happened wasn't your fault. There's nothing you can do except be there for the people that love you.

ROBERT
I feel like we're missing part of the story here.

AMBER
Our dad left us. He told us he was going away for his job, but he really just tossed us out of his life.

ROBERT
Oh my god.

CASSIE
Daniel. Amber. We had no idea.

AMBER
No one did except me and my mom.

(Daniel lowers his gun.)

DANIEL
No… I knew… I saw you chasing after him that day at the grocery store. I didn't want to believe that it was him. I even tried convincing myself that it wasn't; that is was just some look-alike, but there was no mistaking his smell. I put that cologne on myself dozens of times, just to pretend I was him… I tried convincing myself that he was on some secret mission for the army and that's why he couldn't talk with me. I mean, what was I supposed to think? He's my dad… There had to be a reason why--

(Daniel maintains his grip on Cassie, but his eyes start tearing up.)

I… I'm sorry, guys. I think I've been a bad friend. I've been a bad brother. I've been a bad son.

AMBER
Daniel --

DANIEL
--Not to him. I mean, to mom. I've treated her so badly this past year. Maybe I blamed her for dad not coming back… I should apologize to her.
 
ROBERT
Maybe you should apologize later. After we've played Wild West.

DANIEL
Really?

ROBERT
Yeah, we still need to finish Amber's game.

AMBER
Why don't we forget about my game? Let's just forget about this stupid contest.

CASSIE
I agree.

DANIEL
Thanks guys. I really am sorry.

(Daniel holsters his gun.)

And I'm sorry for bringing violence into yer fine saloon.

ROBERT
And brothel.

DANIEL
If I let you go, you're not going to shoot me, are you?

CASSIE
No. I think I'm going to go the pacifist route.

DANIEL
What's a pacifist?

CASSIE
Oh, it's where I pass my fist through your face!

(With cat-like reflexes, Cassie elbows Daniel in the stomach, punches him in the face, then flips him over her shoulder.)

(Daniel quickly stands up, trying to pretend he isn't seriously hurt or really wants to cry.)

I'm sorry Daniel, I just felt like you hadn't suffered enough. I mean, emotionally, sure, you've been through the ringer, but something physical had to happen to you too.
 
AMBER
Oh my gosh! That was amazing!

ROBERT
That looked like a freaking action movie!

(Daniel stifles tears as he holds his nose with his fingers.)

DANIEL
Yeah, no, I know, that was totally cool, right? I actually have some stunt training so I just went with it. I could see every move coming from like, a mile away, but that's cool cause we were totally in sync with what just happened. Didn't it look awesome? Totally real. Anyway, I'm just going to go to the other room for a totally unrelated reason okay bye.

(Daniel runs offstage.)

AMBER
He was actually, very hurt, right?

ROBERT
Totally.

CASSIE
Ya know. Just don't hold a gun to a girl's head. I'm probably going to have some trauma about it now and get anxiety every time someone puts a gun to my head.

ROBERT
I'm pretty sure that would have happened anyway, but I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.

CASSIE
I'm glad you stuck up for me, big bro.

AMBER
Hey guys. I'm sorry about ruining your games. I should have respected what you were trying to do. Plus, I'm really bummed I didn't get to try that BLT, Cassie. What do the initials stand for anyway?

CASSIE
Bacon, lettuce, and toads.

AMBER
Oh… Ew…
 
CASSIE
They are a delicacy in the gum drop forest.

AMBER
I bet.

ROBERT
What do you say we get this place cleaned up? I'll get the mop.

CASSIE
And I'll play a little song on the piano.

ROBERT
In the Wild West, it's called a pian-ee.

CASSIE
I can play that too.

(Robert gets a mop bucket and starts mopping.) (Cassie plays a tune on the pianee.)
AMBER
Mind if I pour myself a whiskey?

ROBERT
If you're asking if we're hirin' a bartender, then damn straight you can!

(Amber pours herself a whiskey and takes a sip.) (Daniel stumbles in with a bloody tissue in his nose.)
DANIEL
Hey all! I'm just a lowly cattle rustler lookin' to make a career change. You got any openings?

ROBERT
I'm sure we can find you something.

DANIEL
Say, you haven't seen my evil, twin brother around, have you?

CASSIE
You just missed him!

DANIEL
Right. Well, I might as well pull up a chair and have a drink. Also, guys, I've been a jerk today. Can you forgive me? I promise, I'll be a better friend.

(Cassie stops playing pianee and smiles.)

CASSIE
Pour him a drink, Amber. Maybe Daniel here can tell us some tales of his days as a cattle rustler.

(Daniel smiles as Amber slides him a drink.)

DANIEL
There I was - tasked with getting' one thousand head of cattle across the mighty Rio Grande River. I knew I had to get all the energy I could for the mornin' drive. Trouble was - all I had was a few cans of beans.

AMBER
Oh god. Not beans again.

DANIEL
All sorts 'a beans! Black beans. Kidney - both light and dark. Jelly - now those were essential - for the sugar, of course.

(The friends listen intently as Daniel continues his tale until the lights fade out.)