UNCANNY VALLEY

By

Steve Blacksmith

CHARACTERS

NATHAN:                  M, 35.

EMMA:                       F, 36.

LAURIE:                    F, 32.

CAL:                           M, 35.

YOUNG NATHAN:  M, 16, 18, 23.

YOUNG EMMA:       F, 17.

YOUNG LAURIE:    F, 20.

YOUNG CAL:           M, 18.

I. All Aboard to Helheim

            In a dim basement lays two tables. On top of the tables lays a half-finished canoe about the size of an average, American man if he were lying down. Various woodworking tools sit on the table - their attention focused solely on the canoe. Loose piles of wood scrap lay below and around the table. Empty soda cans fill a small trash can. Coffee cans hold loose screws and other hardware. Clamps press against the table, ready to be used.

            NATHAN (35), enters with a tape measure. He measures the width across the widest section of the canoe, but doesn’t mark anything. He takes a small, circular saw and places the piece of wood inside. He pulls a pair of safety goggles off of the table and puts them on. He turns the saw on and brings it down until it is just barely an inch away from the wood.

NATHAN

Oh!

            Nathan turns the saw off. He pulls the wood out and looks at the bare surface.

It would help to see where I'm cutting.

            Nathan laughs at himself as he takes the measuring tape and marks out the proper length he needs to cut at. He takes a square and draws a line on the wood.

Nathan, you are somethin' else.

            Nathan puts the wood back on the saw guide and turns on the blade.

            EMMA (36), enters.

EMMA

Nathan?

            He doesn't hear her.

Nathan!?

            Nathan turns to see her. He turns off the saw before reaching the wood.

NATHAN

Emma.

EMMA

Nathan, what are you doing?

NATHAN

I… am building a canoe.

EMMA

I can see that. Why are you building a canoe?

NATHAN

I, uh… I've just always wanted a canoe.

EMMA

Okay.

NATHAN

What are you doing here?

EMMA

I just wanted to see if you wanted to get lunch. You weren't answering your phone, so I thought I would stop by.

NATHAN

Oh. Yeah. I left my phone upstairs. Didn't want to get distracted.

EMMA

From building your canoe?

NATHAN

You know me. Once I get my mind on something, I like to get it done.

EMMA

That's true. It's just a bit strange. I didn't know you liked canoes. Or, water, for that matter.

NATHAN

Who doesn't like water? Water is essential for life on Earth. Our bodies are literally made of water… And some meat… Meaty water. Essentially.

EMMA

Okay. I'm not so hungry anymore.

NATHAN

I'm sorry. But, if you can find your appetite again, maybe we could go to lunch.

EMMA

Maybe. Let's give it a minute. First, I would like to know why you're building a canoe.

NATHAN

I've always wanted to make one. Or, not, "always", but you know Nick Offerman?

EMMA

The actor?

NATHAN

Yeah, from Parks and Rec.

EMMA

I like him.

NATHAN

I do too. He wrote a book called, Paddle Your Own Canoe. It's a strange book -- a little scatterbrained -- but funny, nonetheless. Full of good anecdotes and advice on how to live, framed in a somewhat "manly" context. He's a master woodworker who talks about building a canoe.

EMMA

And you, what? Want to build a canoe cause it's a "manly" thing to do?

NATHAN

Oh no. That would be a strange reason to build a boat.

EMMA

You know, you're too young to have a midlife crisis. That's at least a decade off.

NATHAN

Yeah, right. Like I’m going to live another decade.

            Beat.

EMMA

Nathan… What's the boat for?

NATHAN

            Nathan sighs.

I was hoping not to tell you this way, but… It's for my funeral.

            Beat.

EMMA

Your funeral?

NATHAN

That's correct.

EMMA

I don't get it. Are we wanting to float down Niagara Falls or something? Cause, you're supposed to do that in a barrel, not a canoe.

            Emma laughs uncomfortably. Nathan doesn't laugh

NATHAN

Emma--

EMMA

--No, Nathan. What is really going on here? You're worrying me.

NATHAN

I know, and that's why I didn't want to tell you like this.

EMMA

Well, shit, Nathan. What the hell is going on? Are you dying?

NATHAN

I mean, come on, we're all dying, just at different paces.

EMMA

You know what I mean. Are you sick?

NATHAN

No, no. Nothing like that.

EMMA

Well, are you in some kind of trouble? Is somebody after you?

NATHAN

Who would be after me?

EMMA

I don't know! Maybe you placed a large bet with an unscrupulous bookie who is now looking to make you disappear. Fuck, I don't know!

NATHAN

You know I don't gamble.

EMMA

And you know I don't like guessing games, Nathan.

NATHAN

You're right. You're right, I'm being vague. I don't mean to be. I was just hoping to have this conversation once. With Cal and Laurie.

EMMA

Okay… Well, can you have it twice? Once with your best friend and again with everyone else?

            Nathan smiles.

NATHAN

Okay.

EMMA

Okay.

NATHAN

Let's have a seat.

            Nathan clears space on an old sofa. They sit.

I've been thinking a lot lately. And, you know, I have been thinking about certain things in my life. Looking back on things… I just realized that I am pretty happy with the way things have gone. There have been many amazing memories with you, and Cal and Laurie over the years. I am so glad that I have been able to experience those things with you. And… Well, remember back before my mom got sick? How able she was? How fearless she was? I think she could have climbed Everest if she wanted.

EMMA

Fuck that. She could've done K2.

            Nathan and Emma share a laugh.

NATHAN

When she was diagnosed with her ALS, it was insane how quickly her body began to fail her.

EMMA

Is that what this is about?

NATHAN

I just… I don't want to go through the same things she did. And, I don't want to put my loved ones through that. I know the burden would fall on my sister, and Laurie can't go through that again. Losing her mom and brother to the same illness… That would crush her.

EMMA

Okay, Nathan, I get that you're scared, but this is all a big, "what if?". The chance of passing ALS down to a child is very low. I think, like, five percent or something. It's ridiculous to worry about that to the point where you're building your own death canoe.

NATHAN

The canoe isn't for dying.

EMMA

What?

NATHAN

What, did you think I was going to honestly float myself down a waterfall? It's for a Viking funeral.

            Beat.

EMMA

A "Viking funeral"? As in --

NATHAN

-- I would be gently floated down a relatively still river as one of my closest friends fired a flaming arrow onto my canoe casket.

            Emma is speechless.

And, I imagine there are other bits of ceremony we can do as well.

EMMA

That… Is the craziest thing that I have ever heard.

NATHAN

Really? I thought you would be kind of into it.

EMMA

What!? Why would I even want to see that, let alone be "into it"?

NATHAN

For one, you're always trying to get me to go to that Celtic festival every year.

EMMA

Yeah, to get drunk on mead and maybe meet a sexy red head with a great beard and can look good in a kilt.

NATHAN

Okay. Well, fuck me, then. I guess I just misread things.

EMMA

This is so stupid, Nathan. I can't believe you want this, or even that you're preparing for it like it will happen tomorrow.

NATHAN

Well…

EMMA

Well, what?

NATHAN

I don't know.

EMMA

Whatever. I'm so mad at you. I don't want to think about you dying. And you shouldn't think about you dying either. What kind of life is that?

NATHAN

You're right. It's stupid. I'm sorry.

EMMA

Whatever, Nathan. I don't think I'll get my appetite back. I'll… I'll call you or something.

            Emma starts to leave.

NATHAN

I have the markers.

            Emma stops.

EMMA

What markers?

NATHAN

For ALS… I took a DNA test to see, and… I have the genetic markers. It passed from my mom to me.

            Emma turns to Nathan.

EMMA

What… What does that mean? 

NATHAN

It means there is a good chance I'll develop ALS in my lifetime. Nobody knows when, but the odds increase by the year. My mom got it in her early forties, so, you know, I thought I would prepare now. I mean, I’m thirty-five. That’s pretty fucking close to forty. I'm sorry to tell you this way.

EMMA

Nathan, I…

            Emma quickly moves up to Nathan and hugs him.

NATHAN

Are you mad at me?

EMMA

Mad?

            Emma doesn't break her hug. She kisses him on the cheek.

Fucking furious.

            They both laugh.

            They finally break apart.

            Emma moves to the tables and touches the canoe.

Nathan… This is so dumb.

NATHAN

I thought it was kind of cool.

EMMA

It's not. It's dumb. And illegal.

NATHAN

Illegal? Really? God damnit.

EMMA

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you can't just light funeral pyres on public lands. Or rivers.

NATHAN

This damn country. I guess you all better be careful then. You know--

EMMA

-- Nathan --

NATHAN

-- When you light me on fire.

EMMA

Really? There are so many cool, legal things you can do now. You can become a tree - wait, why did you say "when I light you on fire"?

NATHAN

I mean… You are pretty good with a bow.

EMMA

Oh, fuck you, no way.

NATHAN

Come on, Emma. I never ask you for anything.

EMMA

This is a big ask, even for someone who never asks for anything.

NATHAN

I would ask someone else, but you're the only one I trust enough to do it… Please?

            Emma sighs deeply.

EMMA

I have a better idea. Let's table this discussion for now.

            Emma leads Nathan back to the couch.

We can just sit here, watch TV, shoot the shit. Then, I'll leave and give you ample time to finish the canoe. At which point, you and I can take it out on a nice, secluded lake and relax. Just, take in the beauty of the world. Remember? Like when we were kids. And, if at some point, you do get sick and die. I'll make you into a tree and you can give me this nice canoe to remember you by.

            Nathan smiles.

NATHAN

I guess that sounds alright.

EMMA

I'll name it the S.S. Asshole. After you, of course.

NATHAN

Emma.

EMMA

Because you asked me to light you on fire.

NATHAN

Okay. I get it.

            They share a smile.

EMMA

Good. I'm glad that's settled. Are you going to tell Laurie and Cal now?

NATHAN

In time. I'd rather hang out with you for a bit.

EMMA

Sounds like a plan.

            Nathan turns on the TV as Emma snuggles up to him.

Don't leave me too soon. You're not allowed to.  

            Beat.

Nathan?

NATHAN

Yeah.

EMMA

You remember Camp Fenton?

NATHAN

Which part?

            Emma smiles.

EMMA

All of it.

NATHAN

Yeah. I do.

EMMA

What do you remember?

            Nathan and Emma look at each other.

II. Courage in the Face of an Advancing Army

            Identical log cabins sit in the background. Beyond that lies a lake. Beyond that, a dense layer of trees conceals the surrounding mountain. On stage, a row of hay bale targets lines the area.

            NATHAN (16), enters wearing a Camp Fenton t-shirt and carrying a recurve bow. He nocks and arrow, aims at the target, and misses horribly. He walks over, picks up his arrow, and walks back.

            EMMA (17), enters wearing the same shirt as Nathan. She stands behind him as he nocks another arrow. He draws back.

EMMA

Whatcha doin'? 

NATHAN

Jesus!

            Nathan startles back, sending the arrow wildly into the sky.

EMMA

Oh my god. I didn't mean to scare you like that. Thankfully, nobody was over there.

NATHAN

It's cool, it's cool.

EMMA

I, uh. I wanted to see if you were okay. Everyone is down at the lake for group swim. What are you doing up here?

NATHAN

I was just messing around. I'm supposed to be raking leaves, but I got bored.

EMMA

That makes sense. Raking leaves isn't the most fun job around here.

NATHAN

No, it's not.

EMMA

I don't think we've ever been properly introduced. I'm Emma.

NATHAN

Nathan.

EMMA

Hello, Nathan. It's good to meet you.

            Silence.

So… How did you get roped into this camp counselor gig?

NATHAN

It, uh… It counts toward my community service.

EMMA

Oh! Wow, um, what did you do?

NATHAN

I robbed a bank.

EMMA

Really?

NATHAN

And an orphanage. Bank-slash-orphanage. They do it all.

EMMA

Wow. I have never heard of a bank orphanage combo. What can you do there?

NATHAN

You can go in for a small business loan and pick up one of those little, British pickpocket orphans while you're at it.

            They both laugh.

EMMA

You're pretty funny.

NATHAN

Nah.

EMMA

You are.

            Nathan nocks his arrow again.

I've noticed you at mealtime. You always sit alone.

NATHAN

Is that so weird?

EMMA

No, I mean, it's not weird, it's just interesting. Usually, people get jobs here because they have friends that work here or their friends are campers. That's what I'm trying to get at.

NATHAN

You don't believe I'm here on community service?

EMMA

The only felons they hire work in the kitchen.

NATHAN

Hmm. I never thought of that. They are pretty shady back there. Lots of tear drop tattoos.

EMMA

So?

NATHAN

So?

EMMA

What's your story if you aren't here with friends?

NATHAN

I'm here because of my sister. Laurie Carlin? She's only thirteen, so she's held up with the rest of the, shit, what are they called?

EMMA

Junior campers are called Little Squatches.

NATHAN

Squatches? Like Sasquatch?

EMMA

Yeah, it's strange.

NATHAN

Essentially, they're little bigfoots? That's ridiculous.

EMMA

I know, right?

NATHAN

But, that's basically it. I'm here because of her. My mom wanted me to keep an eye on her since this is her first time at camp.  

EMMA

And yours too.

NATHAN

How did you know that?

            Emma walks over to Nathan and gets behind him. She places her hands around him - adjusting them on the bow.

EMMA

Hold the bow here. Good. Now, with your dominant hand we'll grip the arrow, like this. Your grip is too tight. You're going to end up screwing up your aim when you loose the arrow.

NATHAN

You, uh… You know a lot about archery, huh?

EMMA

I know a little. I've been doing it ever since I was a kid. My dad's a bow hunter. Taught me everything he knows. Except, he uses a compound bow, and I'm a fan of a recurve.

NATHAN

And this is a--

EMMA

--Recurve. Straighten up your spine. Don't bend your knees. Good. Steady your hand.

NATHAN

Like this?

EMMA

Yes. Don't forget to breathe.

            Emma takes her hands off the bow and takes a step back.

And let go.

            Nathan lets loose the arrow and it hits the target. Not a bullseye, but closer than before.

NATHAN

Hey. That felt pretty good.

EMMA

Not bad. 

NATHAN

Really?

EMMA

Definitely better than before. But, do you wanna see something really cool?

            Emma runs up to the target and takes it off stage.

NATHAN

Where are you going?

            He waits.

She is… A little crazy.

            After a moment, Emma runs back onstage with the arrow in her hand.

EMMA

Now, can I see your bow?

NATHAN

Why did you take the target all the way over there?

EMMA

You'll see.

            Emma gets into her archer stance. She nocks the arrow.

Do you know much about the history of archery in war?

NATHAN

Who doesn't?

EMMA

Okay, smart ass. When archers were facing advancing armies, they couldn't just shoot straight and hope to hit someone hundreds of feet away. What they had to do was make all of these quick calculations in their head to determine how high they had to shoot their arrows to arrive on the spot where the marching enemy was going to be. Of course, they had to account for stuff like wind resistance, bad weather, visibility, stuff like that. The archer would then shoot the arrow high into the air so that it would come down onto the enemy. It took incredible skill.

NATHAN

And you're an expert at this type of warfare?

EMMA

Not yet. But, one day I would like to be.

NATHAN

This I gotta see.

            Emma draws her hand back. She aims carefully into the sky.

EMMA

Prepare… To be amazed.

            Emma lets the arrow loose and she and Nathan track it with their eyes.

NATHAN

Oh!

            Emma looks down in disappointment.

EMMA

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

NATHAN

Whoa. It was pretty close. Closer than I would ever be able to get if I was given a thousand tries.

EMMA

Yeah. You're right. You are pretty terrible.

            They both laugh.

NATHAN

I should probably get back to raking leaves.

EMMA

Yeah, no, of course. And, I should get back to the lake before one of those kids drowns and comes back as an indestructible, six-foot-seven demon with a machete.

NATHAN

Actually, that sounds kind of entertaining.

EMMA

It varies from movie to movie.

            They smile again.

NATHAN

Here. I'll take the bow back.

            Nathan reaches for the bow and accidentally puts his hand over Emma's. She looks into his eyes, then kisses him.

III. That's Not a Typo

            The basement is much more clean this time around. The mostly finished canoe lies propped up against a wall, next to a tool chest which houses most of the tools and scrap wood. The tables are now clean.

            Nathan enters with LAURIE (32) and CAL (34). Nathan has a couple of pizzas under his arm and a six pack of beer. Laurie and Cal immediately notice the canoe. They move to examine it.

NATHAN

Alright. Game night is on!

LAURIE

Um, Nathan? What's with the canoe?

CAL

I didn't know you were into nature all that much.

NATHAN

Yeah, I, uh, I've been thinking about spending a bit more time on the river, ya know? Just get in my canoe and be at peace.

CAL

That's awesome. You should really try white water rafting, though. Peace is cool and all, but when I'm paddling for dear life on a gnarly rapid - that's when I'm most at one with nature.

NATHAN

Well, that's… That's just stupid, isn't it?

LAURIE

Nathan.

NATHAN

I'm sorry, Cal, but you might as well be saying you're at one with nature while being chased by a bear or tumbling down a mountain.

            Cal stares blankly at Nathan.

CAL

… Are you messing with me? I can never tell when he's messing with me.

LAURIE

He's messing with you, babe.  

CAL

You're too much, Nathan.

NATHAN

I sure am. Just a hoot.

CAL

But seriously, Nate - maybe we can get together on the canoe one day. Maybe with your sister and a few people from my congregation. I'll say a few words… Dip your head under the water and who knows!? You may come back up a completely new person!

NATHAN

Yes, Cal. Some might even say, "born again".

CAL

Ahhh, you got me, buddy!

NATHAN

How is that church of yours, Cal?

            Nathan cracks open a beer.

CAL

Oh, it's fantastic! We're a little light on baptisms this month, so if you ever change your mind about seeing the light of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, you know where to reach me.

NATHAN

Yeah, maybe. Are you the guys that'll take my foreskin?

            Beat.

CAL

No. No, Nathan, we're not those guys.

NATHAN

Do you have a card?

CAL

I have one in the car!

            Cal leaves with a bit of pep in his step.

            Laurie smacks Nathan on the chest.

LAURIE

What the hell is wrong with you?

NATHAN

I dunno, Laurie. It's just so much fun to mess with him.

LAURIE

You used to like him.

NATHAN

I did. Until he got all Jesus-y.

            Laurie hits him again.  

Ow!

LAURIE

I got all Jesus-y too, Nathan.

NATHAN

Well, if you drank the Kool-Aid then that guy's the one mixing it.

LAURIE

That's not funny. A lot of people died.

NATHAN

Do you think Nike donated hundreds of pairs of sneakers to counteract the bad publicity?

LAURIE

That's an entirely different cult. What is wrong with you? Why are you so morbid today?

NATHAN

I'm just in a morbid mood, I guess.

LAURIE

Yeah? Are you sure there isn't a certain reason why you're feeling so dark?

NATHAN

I don't know what you're talking about.

LAURIE

Nathan… It's getting close to when mom passed.

NATHAN

Is it?

LAURIE

Shut up. You know it is. It's okay if you feel bad around this time of year. I do. I don't think it's ever gotten less painful.

NATHAN

I don't feel sad, Laurie.

LAURIE

Well, that's not good either. If you don't feel sad, then maybe you're internalizing everything. You're holding it in, which is really not good. You can end up having a breakdown or doing something reckless that gets you hurt.

NATHAN

You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine. Really.

            Beat.

LAURIE

Okay, bro bro.

            She hugs him.

            Cal enters holding something behind his back.

CAL

Whoa! Whatcha doin' there, pal? Homing in on my chick?

            Laurie and Nathan disgustedly separate.

NATHAN

I know that was supposed to be joke-y, but did you honestly just suggest I would enter into an incestuous relationship with my sister?

CAL

I, uh… I'm dumb. I apologize.

            Cal hangs his head embarrassed.

NATHAN

Check his browser history when you get home.

CAL

Well, you know what book has a lot of incest in it - nope. Bad segue. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to - argh. Can we start again? 

LAURIE

For the love of God, please, honey. Start over.

            Cal pretends like he is a rewinding video tape. He does this until he walks back through the door, then hits the play button.

CAL

Say, Nathan! I have that business card you asked for.

NATHAN

What?

LAURIE

The business card? The reason he left in the first place.

NATHAN

Oh! Yeah, okay. Where is it?

CAL

It's right here!

            Cal pulls out a pocket version of the New Testament.

NATHAN

It's a Bible… Wow! Never would have guessed.

CAL

Take it. I've got a thousand of them. I keep some in the glove box to hand out during my daily stop at Planned Parenthood. You know what we call those?

LAURIE

He doesn't need to know, hon--

CAL

-- Drive by's for Jesus.

            Cal is tickled pink.

LAURIE

Oh no.

NATHAN

Wowie, that's appropriate.

CAL

We like to have fun.

LAURIE

So… Should we eat?

NATHAN

Just waiting on Emma.

LAURIE

Where is she?

NATHAN

I just had her run an errand for me. She should be here any minute.

            Silence.

CAL

I like what you've done with the basement, Nate.

            Beat.

LAURIE

Yeah… You know, our mom would have lost her mind. She was always so particular about things. I would have kept the place just as she left it, but Nathan decided to just get rid of everything.

CAL

Oh shoot. I've opened up this old can of worms, huh?

NATHAN

Yeah, bud. Thanks.

LAURIE

I'm not mad. It's your house. She left it to you. I just wish you didn't give her things away before I had a chance to look at them.

NATHAN

I said I was sorry a million times. I really didn't think you would mind.

LAURIE

You never think about stuff like that, Nathan. You're in your mid thirties - why haven't you learned?

NATHAN

I'm sorry, alright?

LAURIE

Yeah, yeah.

            Emma enters, holding onto a white cake box for dear life.

EMMA

Uh. Hi, everyone.

LAURIE

Emma! Hey girl. How are you?

            Laurie gives Emma an awkward hug as they maneuver around the box.

You want to put that thing down?

EMMA

Nope. I'm good.

LAURIE

Okay. What is that anyway?

EMMA

It's. Uh, uh…

NATHAN

Dessert. I forgot to pick it up earlier, so I had Emma get it.

CAL

Mmm, well let's get through this pizza so we can dig into that dessert!

NATHAN

Sure. Let's eat!

            Cal and Laurie start serving themselves.

            Emma takes Nathan aside.

EMMA

Nathan. This is a fucked up idea.

NATHAN

Oh no. Did you look at the cake?

EMMA

Yeah, of course I did. The guy at the bakery needed me to make sure it was the right one.

NATHAN

How could you tell if you didn't know what it said?

EMMA

I put two and two together, dipshit.

NATHAN

Whoa, come on. It'll be fun.

EMMA

You're a sociopath.

NATHAN

I'm eccentric. A lot of people like my particular brand of chaos.

EMMA

Well, I'm not one of them.

CAL

You two gonna eat?

NATHAN

Of course! I'm famished.

CAL

Grab a plate. You too, Emma.

EMMA

No, I'm okay.

CAL

Ah, come on. I'll hold the dessert so you can grab a slice or two.

EMMA

That's really not necessary.

            Cal and Emma wrestle with the box. Cal manages to take it out of her hands.

Um. Okay, you can put it down. I think it'll be better on the table.

CAL

Oh man. I love this place. Their cupcakes are phenomenal. What'd you get?

EMMA

Oh, just a plain, boring cake. Nothing out of the ordinary.

            Cal opens the box and reads the cake. His mood instantly sours.

CAL

Nathan. Please tell me this is a misspelling.

LAURIE

Cal. What the hell are you talking about?

NATHAN

It's accurate, Cal.

            Cal reluctantly turns the cake to the group. It reads, "Nathan Might Have ALS".

LAURIE

Oh… Oh my God.

NATHAN

So… What do you think?

            Cal completely breaks down. He drops to his knees.

CAL

No! Nathan! Why!? This is… Oh my… I'm going to be sick. I'm going to throw up. I ate too much pizza. Why did I do that? I already had pizza for lunch. My head is spinning. Nathan, I -

            Cal dry heaves a couple of times. Emma reluctantly pats his back.

EMMA

It's okay, Cal. Let it out.

NATHAN

In a garbage can… Preferably at your house.

EMMA

Come on, Cal. I'll help you to the bathroom.

            Emma leads Cal out, but not before stopping at the door to shoot Nathan a disapproving look. They exit.

            Laurie can't stand to look at Nathan.

NATHAN

Laurie…

LAURIE

… 

NATHAN

Please, will you just talk to me.

LAURIE

… Why… The fuck… Would you ever think that was a good idea?

NATHAN

Well… I thought I would tell you over charades, but it's very hard to mime ALS. You basically have to stand still until someone guesses it.

            There is a long silence. Eventually, Laurie erupts into a jumble of angry laughter and tears.

Is that? Is that a smile under all the other stuff?

LAURIE

You're a piece of shit.

NATHAN

Laurie.

LAURIE

You're a piece of shit.

            Laurie hugs Nathan tighter than she ever has before.

NATHAN

Laurie. I'm having a hard time breathing here.

LAURIE

Tough shit. I have to hold you here. I don't want you to go away.

NATHAN

… I won't.

            Laurie lets him go, but not before giving him a playful slap on the cheek.

            Emma and Cal enter. Cal is pale.

Hey.

EMMA

Hey.

CAL

Hi. Ugh. I threw up.

EMMA

A lot.

CAL

I'm sorry.

EMMA

You owe me shoes.

CAL

We owe her shoes, babe.

            Cal collapses on the couch.

EMMA

You okay, Laurie?

LAURIE

I'm… We'll see.

CAL

That's a tough break, Nathan. I'm truly sorry. I mean, what are the chances?

NATHAN

Decent, actually. I found out I inherited the genes that could develop into ALS. Or, at least it raises the chances of getting it.

CAL

But, you don't actually have it. That's good, right?

NATHAN

It's something. But, there's still a good chance I'll get it.

LAURIE

You won't get it.

NATHAN

You don't know that, sis.

LAURIE

You won't. I know you won't.

CAL

Wait. If it passed down from your mom, then… Babe, are you at risk?

LAURIE

I'm adopted, Cal.

CAL

… Oh yeah…

            Laurie shoots him a disapproving look.

Well, you never talk about it. I forget!

EMMA

Smooth, Cal.

NATHAN

Now, I'm sure you all have questions. I would like to answer them. So, please, just ask away.

CAL

When do you think you'll need a wheelchair? The church gets them all the time as donations. Say the word and I'll save you a good one.

LAURIE

When did you find out about this?

EMMA

Will you become more or less of a pain in the ass if you get sick? What's the word?

LAURIE

Humbled. Will you be humbled?

EMMA

Thanks.

LAURIE

Somehow, I doubt it. His ego won't let him.

EMMA

Wait until you hear about the canoe.

LAURIE

What's with the canoe? Nathan, what's with the canoe?

NATHAN

Okay, this was a bad idea. Everyone, shut up!

            Silence.

CAL

Wait a minute. If Laurie is adopted, does that really make what I said about incest all that bad?

LAURIE

Wha-… What?

            Nathan slowly moves over to Cal and hands him back his Bible.

NATHAN

I think you might need this a little more than me.

            Cal looks around the room and feels judging eyes staring down at him.

CAL

What?

IV. Under the Banner of Heaven

            A typical college dorm room sits still and empty. Two combination bunk bed and desk units are on opposite walls. Each desk has uncomfortable, wooden chairs. A shared mini fridge sits on the floor next to the oldest radiator imaginable.

            Cal (18) enters with two rolling suitcases and a duffel bag. He drops everything and is instantly relieved from the weight. He looks around the room and takes in the newfound sense of freedom.

            Cal takes out a primitive, Nokia cell phone and dials.

CAL

Barb?

Hey honey! How are you today?

Well, that's good. Yeah, I finally made it to my room. 

It's nice, it's nice.

It's a shared room, yeah.

Shared bathroom. For the whole floor, actually.

            Cal bursts out laughing.

Oh, shoot, honey, I hope not! You sure are funny today! Do you have Bible study after work tonight?

            Young Nathan walks in carrying a duffle bag.

Oh, I have to go. My new roomie just got here.

Jesus and I love you too. Bye.

            Cal eagerly extends his hand to Nathan.

Hi! Cal Thompson. I'm your new roommate.

NATHAN

Cal, huh? I'm Nathan. Sorry, did I interrupt your phone call?

CAL

No, no, not at all. Just this girl…

NATHAN

It wasn't your girlfriend, was it?

CAL

Uh, actually --

NATHAN

-- Good! Can you imagine being dumb enough to come to college with a high school girlfriend? It's like going into a sword fight with a hand tied behind your back.

CAL

What do you mean?

            Nathan takes out a hot plate, various candles, and multiple boxes of matches and places them on his desk.

NATHAN

Dude, college is the place where you can truly experience everything.

            A gentleman's magazine falls out of Nathan's bag. Cal picks it up and immediately opens to a centerfold.

Everything.

CAL

Oh… My… Gosh…

            Nathan takes out a cigarette and lights it.

NATHAN

You're god damn right. I'm talking girls, booze, drugs, various types of Satan worship, Ev-ry-thing. So, I have one question for you, Cal Thompson… Are you ready to fuckin' party?

            Cal stands up straight and proud.

CAL

Well… If you say so.

            Someone clears their throat in a disembodied, electronic voice. It's Cal's girlfriend.

Oh… Oh no!

            He covers the mouthpiece.

I forgot to hang up!

NATHAN

Who is it?

CAL

My girlfriend!

NATHAN

Ha! Sucks to be you. Anyway, I have a party to hit up. Later dayz, dick!

            Nathan exits.

CAL

Uh, honey bunny, are you there?

            Cal immediately pulls the phone away from his ear as he has his ass handed to him.

No, no, honey, it's not like that! I was scared. My new roommate is kind of intimidating. I was worried what would happen if I said no. He brought a bunch of weird candles and I think I saw a pentagram in his things.

No, I don't want to see other girls!
No, I don't want to try drugs and I hate drinking!

What do you mean, "when did I try drinking?"

No, I mean, like, I hate drinking like I hate the… idea of drinking!

I'm not lying. I'm not lying.

            Beat.

What are you saying?

I… I understand…

Yeah…

Okay…

Jesus and I love y--

            Cal looks at his phone then tosses it on the desk.

            He sits in his chair and stares blankly as day turns to night.

            There is a KNOCK at the door. Cal slowly moves to open it to reveal Nathan. He stumbles into the room.

Nathan. Are you okay?

NATHAN

I forgot my key.

CAL

You don't look too good.

NATHAN

I could say the same about you.

CAL

That's fair. But, you look sick.

NATHAN

I'm fine. Fine… I went to a party but then I wasn't feeling good so this girl gave me something and I took it and now I'm like this.

CAL

You were already messed up and you took something else?

NATHAN

That's what you do. That's how you get better.

CAL

You're ridiculous.

NATHAN

You're ridiculous.

CAL

Come on, get up to bed, buddy.

NATHAN

You know what, Carl. You're gonna be a great roommate.

CAL

And you will be my roommate too.

NATHAN

You're a funny guy.

            Nathan gets in bed.

CAL

Hey, Nathan?

NATHAN

Yeah.

CAL

What did you take?

NATHAN

I dunno. Some drink. Some pills. Good stuff.

CAL

How did it make you feel?

NATHAN

Mmmm. Better. Like I don't care about anything.

CAL

Cool… Cool…

            Nathan starts snoring.

            Cal takes a moment to gather himself, then exits.

            Nathan sleeps as the night grows darker. Cal enters dressed in a toga covered in sharpie slurs and has lipstick all over his face. He is clearly drunk.

MAMA, JUST KILLED A MAN

PUT A GUN UP TO HIS HEAD

LA DA DA DA, NOW I'M DEAD

            Nathan stirs, but doesn't wake.

Oh, shhhhh. Nathan sleepy.

            Cal starts to go up to his bed but hesitates.

No reason this party has to end early.

            Cal opens his drawers, then his bag, then the fridge, looking for something but finding nothing. He turns his attention to Nathan's bag. He quietly picks through it before finding a pill bottle.

Ompe… Omer. Omomonopeia? Whatever. I'm sure they'll fuck me up good, you sinner.

            Cal climbs up to his bed then takes the entire bottle of pills. He instantly falls asleep as the pills fall off the bed and hit the radiator.

NATHAN

What the…

            Nathan gets out of bed and finds the empty bottle.

Oh shit. Carl?

            Silence.

Carl? Carl! Wake up!

CARL

Ugh…

NATHAN

Jesus, Carl. What the hell?

            Nathan helps Cal out of bed and guides him to a trash can.

Come on, Carl. Stick your finger down your throat. That's it. Let it out. Good job, Carl, you freakin'… That's good. You're gonna be alright, Carl.

CAL

It's, ugh…

NATHAN

What's that?

CAL

It's Cal.

NATHAN

Cal. Alright, Cal.

CAL

That's my name.

NATHAN

Yes, it is… You feeling better?

CAL

I'm better. I'm better.

NATHAN

Can I ask you a question, Cal?

CAL

Okay. Fire away.

NATHAN

What were you planning on accomplishing by taking my pills?

CAL

I just wanted to be cool.

NATHAN

Cool?

CAL

Cool.

NATHAN

Cool. That's an interesting way of doing it.

CAL

It looks easier on TV.

NATHAN

Okay. I think we need to go see an RA.

CAL

NRA supports your right to own guns.

NATHAN

That's right, buddy. Let's go, okay?

CAL

Okay.

            Nathan leads Cal out.

            Seconds later, Nathan enters the room.

NATHAN

Jesus. What a night.

            Nathan climbs up to his bed once again and falls asleep.

            Early morning creeps in and it starts to get light outside. Cal enters quietly and starts packing his things. He places a note on Nathan's desk then exits. 

            Nathan wakes up. He notices Cal's stuff is gone then finds the note. He sits in his chair and reads intently. A single tear falls down his cheek. He closes the note carefully, then gets up and puts a hand on Cal's former bunk.

NATHAN

I hope that you find what you're looking for, Cal.

V. Secret Secrets Are No Fun

            Cal and Laurie's house is warm and inviting. It is immaculately clean. There is a couch and floor lamps and pictures on the wall of family and friends. There is a special place in the center of the wall where a large portrait of Laurie and Nathan's dead mom rests.

            Cal enters wearing a nice, business casual outfit that every young evangelical pastor rocks. He is carrying a bible with a thousand post-it notes of various colors peaking out of the pages.

CAL

Hon?

            Nothing.

Honey bunny? I'm thinking pizza tonight. What'd'ya say?

            Laurie urgently enters.

LAURIE

Shhhh, Cal. The kids are taking a nap.

CAL

Oh! Sorry.

LAURIE

They've been bouncing off the walls all day. I've been trying to get them to nap for a while so I can get some work done.

CAL

Well, don't let me stop you.

            He kisses her.

LAURIE

Thanks. Pizza sounds great.

CAL

Yeah, I don't feel like cooking tonight.

LAURIE

Get a salad in case David's still on that vegetarian kick.

CAL

Where did we go wrong? 

            Laurie opens a laptop and starts working. She sighs deeply.

CAL

Everything okay?

LAURIE

I don't want to do work.

CAL

So don't.

LAURIE

I mean, I do want to do work, but I can't.

CAL

Still thinking about Nathan?

LAURIE

Yeah.

CAL

He'll be fine, Laurie. Have faith in the Lord and the Lord will have faith in him.

LAURIE

I'd feel better if Nathan prayed for himself too.

CAL

He'll come around one day. Maybe this little scare is enough to jolt him into believing?

LAURIE

It's not a "little scare", Cal. You have no idea how bad something like this can get.

CAL

You're right. I'm sorry. I misspoke.

LAURIE

I can't see my brother go through something like this. And how is he even going to survive long if he does get sick? He doesn't have the type of money to afford a nurse when things get really bad. If he thinks I'm wiping his ass when he can't move, he is hugely mistaken. Someone has to be there to make sure he is clean and fed and can save him if he stops breathing in the middle of the night and --

CAL

--Hey, hey, it's okay, hon. I've got you. We'll figure it out. We always do.

LAURIE

How? Mom's bills were… I mean, Nathan and I could barely afford her medication and a part time nurse. Her doctor visits ate up all of her savings. Nathan has no savings. He's useless. How dare he put me in this position.

            Beat.

I didn't mean that. I didn't. I didn't.

CAL

He's stronger than you know, Laurie.

LAURIE

How? How is he strong? He has no faith. He never takes anything seriously - I mean, what kind of person tells us he may have a death sentence through a cake?

CAL

To be fair, it was a pretty good cake. If he had to do it on a cake, I have to give him credit for splurging a bit.

            Laurie gives the hint of a smile.

I have to tell you something. Something I have never told anyone else.

LAURIE

Really?

CAL

Well, I guess I told Jesus, but nobody else.

LAURIE

What is it?

CAL

It's about your brother. The first time you introduced me to him wasn't actually the first time we met.

LAURIE

What are you talking about?

CAL

It was the first week of college. He and I were actually assigned to be roommates.

LAURIE

But, you didn't go to the same school - you went to a Christian college.

CAL

Eventually. But, first, I thought I would try a public university. I thought I could handle it.

LAURIE

Wait… You were the roommate who tried to kill himself?

CAL

What!? No! I didn't try to kill myself. Everyone thought I tried to kill myself, but I was just trying to get high.

LAURIE

What? Why would you do that?

CAL

I don't know. I guess, I was just trying to forget. My girlfriend had broken up with me that day and I was feeling really bad about it. Your brother went out to a party that night and when he came back he was drunk and had taken some pills… I dunno. Something about that type of sin seemed alluring. Your brother had an immediate appeal to my darker instincts. He passed out and I left. I found a party at a frat and just walked right in.

LAURIE

You just walked into a frat party?

CAL

Well I saw a picture of recent alumni on a wall. When someone finally asked who I was, I said I was "so-and-so's" brother. They said I was a little early to pledge, but that I was welcome to party.

LAURIE

That's a lie, Cal. And a good one at that.

CAL

I know, I know. It breaks my heart that I could so readily sin like that… But, that's not all.

LAURIE

Go on.

CAL

I drank... I drank a lot. And I - I kissed a sorority girl… And a young man.

LAURIE

Oh. My God. I mean, we all experimented in college, but that’s a lot to do in one night.

CAL

Honey, don't use the Lord's name in vain.

LAURIE

I hardly think you have a leg to stand on when it comes to lecturing about sinful behavior, Cal.

CAL

That's fair. I apologize. But, I had to tell you. It was a dark moment in my life and you deserve to know about it.

LAURIE

Why did you tell me now? Why did you wait so long?

CAL

Because… Laurie, your brother may be a mess sometimes, but he has vast, incredibly redemptive qualities and the ability to handle situations where we might presume he'd fail.

LAURIE

So. What really happened when you got back?

CAL

After the party, I stumbled home. I could barely see straight, but still I thought I was too sober. I wanted more, and I remembered Nathan saying he had taken something, so I went through his stuff and found a bottle of pills. I had no idea what they were, but I took them and went to sleep.

            Beat.

Somehow, Nathan sensed I wasn't okay, and he got up and forced me to throw up the pills. He saved my life that night, Laurie. He was my guardian angel.

LAURIE

I had no idea. Why hasn't Nathan ever brought that up?

CAL

I don't know. When you introduced me to him, he just shook my hand and told me his name. I guess he didn't want to embarrass me in front of you.

LAURIE

Cal --

CAL

-- Have faith in him, honey. Believe in him as much as I do; as much as Jesus does. He may do strange, inappropriate things sometimes, but The Lord also works in mysterious ways.

            Laurie forces a smile.

That's better. Now, I'll go order us a pizza.

LAURIE

And a salad.

CAL

And a salad. Right.

            He kisses her on top of her head, then exits.

            Laurie get up and walks to the picture of her mother.

VI. The Undiscovered Country 

            Laurie (20,) touches a picture of her mom's face.

            Young Nathan enters in a black suit.

LAURIE

Where the hell have you been?

NATHAN

Would you relax? I'm just a little late.

LAURIE

You're almost an hour late. Everybody is here. Literally everybody.

NATHAN

Really? Doesn't look like much of a party from where I'm standing.

LAURIE

They're in the backyard, asshat.

NATHAN

Whoa. You kiss your god with that mouth?

LAURIE

Shut up. Please tell me you brought the plates and cutlery.

NATHAN

I thought I was supposed to hire the clown and Shetland pony?

LAURIE

Very funny.

NATHAN

I brought the stuff.

LAURIE

Is that what took you so long? You forgot to get it before the service and had to stop at the store?

NATHAN

You know me so well.

LAURIE

Better go say hi to everyone. Your collar is a mess. Let me -- 

NATHAN

-- Oh, no, that's okay, I'll get it --

LAURIE

What is this? You have a bunch of little hairs on you. Oh my gosh, you got a haircut!

NATHAN

What? That's ridiculous.

LAURIE

Yes, I can see it! It is noticeably shorter than it was earlier today.

NATHAN

Okay! Fine, you caught me. I got a text from the woman who cuts my hair saying she's going on vacation for a while. I needed a trim, so I got one. Does that make me a bad person?

LAURIE

Yes! Nathan, yes, it does make you a bad person! You went to your mother's funeral this morning then took a little detour to get a haircut before coming to the reception. That makes you a bad person!

NATHAN

I disagree.

LAURIE

That's narcissist shit, Nathan. There is something wrong with your brain.

            Silence.

NATHAN

Okay. Maybe it wasn't the best decision --

LAURIE

-- On the day of your mother's funeral --

NATHAN

-- We all grieve in our own way, Laurie.

            Silence.

LAURIE

I don't want to fight about this.

NATHAN

So don't.  

            Laurie hugs Nathan.

LAURIE

Your hair looks nice.

NATHAN

Thank you.

LAURIE

Thanks for taking the eulogy.

NATHAN

Of course.

LAURIE

It was really beautiful.

NATHAN

You think so?

LAURIE

Mom would have liked it.

NATHAN

No she wouldn't have.

LAURIE

No… You're right.

            They both laugh.

She would've said it had too many jokes.

NATHAN

She didn't like jokes.

LAURIE

She didn't like your jokes. You're too dark. She didn't like dark.

NATHAN

Mom would have wanted me to only praise her many good deeds.

LAURIE

Yeah. All the food drives and her teaching career. Years of service to the church.

NATHAN

Now who's the narcissist.

LAURIE

Hey.

NATHAN

Sorry. Don't speak ill of the dead.

            Laurie hugs Nathan again. She hugs him tighter than last time.

LAURIE

Go get the plates and cutlery. The people need their forks.

NATHAN

Oh, I just got sporks.

LAURIE

Sporks? Really?

NATHAN

It saves valuable plate space and reduces waste.

LAURIE

Did you get knives?

NATHAN

            Beat.

I better go get those sporks.

LAURIE

Yeah, why don't you do that.

            Nathan exits.

Dork.

            Laurie moves back to the portrait of her mother and touches her face.

            Nathan enters. He is wearing the same suit but has a white undershirt and a bright tie on. He's carrying a piece of cake on a plate and eating it with a spork.

NATHAN

This is good cake.

LAURIE

I know. I just got the last bit out of my nose.

NATHAN

Aren't traditions grand?

LAURIE

They really are. Even if you have to modify some.

NATHAN

You wish mom could be here?

LAURIE

Of course. I miss her. I wish she could have seen my wedding.

NATHAN

She did. I'm sure she's looking down at you and thinking about how beautiful you are. And how happy it makes her to see you with Cal.

            They hug.

LAURIE

Thanks, bro bro.

            Beat.

NATHAN

Cal looks like he's having a good time.

LAURIE

Of course he is. Why wouldn't he be?

NATHAN

I just didn't think pastors were allowed to have fun.

LAURIE

Even Jesus had fun.

NATHAN

I heard he was a blast. Every time you needed fish and loaves of bread - he was your go-to-guy.

LAURIE

And wine! He turned water into wine. Don't forget about that.  

NATHAN

Pfft. Watered down wine? Count me out. Maybe if Jesus could summon some of that good stuff. Ya know? Like that five dollar jug of merlot on the bottom shelf of Kroger's that's basically just Everclear dyed red. Maybe then Jesus and Cal could hang with me.

LAURIE

Maybe if you went to church and thought more of others than you do yourself, you could hang with Cal and Jesus.

NATHAN

Oh! Called out. Okay, okay.  

            Young Cal enters.

CAL

Hey! There you are.

NATHAN

You found me. Give me a kiss, hubby.

CAL

Very funny, Nathan.

            Cal kisses Laurie.

The dance floor is blowing up. You don't want to miss The Electric Slide.

LAURIE

I'll be right there, hon. Just saying hi to mom.

CAL

You don't have to do that in here. She's all around us.

            Beat.

When Jesus -- oh boy. Here it comes.

            Cal chokes up.

NATHAN

You don't have to say anything.  

CAL

No, it's coming… When Jesus gave his life he wasn't only dying for our sins on that cross. His death created a contract. It became a means to guarantee every good Christian could conquer death just as he would. The resurrection made that contract real.

            Cal completely breaks down.

And… Just as our Lord rose from his tomb in a glorious revival, so too did your mother. We can sense her in every blade of grass. In every ray of sunshine. She's here, honey bunny. She's here with us. Forever.

LAURIE

That's really nice, Cal. Thank you.

NATHAN

Very moving.

CAL

She is risen.

NATHAN

Okay.

CAL

I, uh… I'll give you two a bit more time. See you in a bit.

LAURIE

Thank you, babe. See you soon.

NATHAN

See you in a bit, babe.

            Cal exits.

What was that?

LAURIE

He just got a little caught up in the moment. It's a very emotional day.

NATHAN

Well, that dude has been crying A LOT today.

LAURIE

There's nothing wrong with crying.  

NATHAN

I know. It's just a bit much. He cried when he first saw you. He cried when he did his vows. He cried during the cake bit!

LAURIE

Okay, I can't explain that one.

NATHAN

Maybe cake got in his eye? I'd cry if I got cake in my eye.

LAURIE

No, you wouldn't. You never cry.

            Beat.

You never cry. Why is that?

NATHAN

I cry. Right? I must cry.

LAURIE

No. You don't. You didn't cry when you walked me down the aisle. I cried then.

NATHAN

Why?

LAURIE

Because the only reason you gave me away was because dad is dead.

NATHAN

Oh. I didn't even think about that.

LAURIE

But, would you have cried if you did? You didn't cry during your toast - and it was deep and emotional. It had peaks and valleys and jokes and some of the most heartfelt things I've ever heard you say. You looked like you got choked up at times, but you didn't really. Why is that?

NATHAN

I… I'm just good at speeches. I don't know, Laurie.

LAURIE

But it's more than that. Isn't it? You gave mom's eulogy - you didn't cry. We go to her grave every year on the anniversary of her death and you don't cry. You stand there and hug me tight and say a lot of words, but they are all meaningless platitudes. Aren't they?

            Silence.

LAURIE

Who's memory is this?

            Laurie starts feeling the walls.

It's like it's my house, but there are slight deviations. Bits of chipped paint that weren't really chipped in the past. Dents in baseboard… It's like I'm looking at a painting that I've looked at all my life and suddenly it feels wrong. It feels so wrong.

            Young Nathan exits. Present Nathan enters.

            Laurie touches Nathan's face.

Your face is the same way. I have seen your face more than any other and now I realize that I've never seen it before. But, it's more than just a stranger looking back at me. There's something off. Just a nagging feeling of subdermal inhumanity. Like a doll that looks almost like a person, but not enough to dismiss the unease. What is that? What are you?

            Lights go out around them. Nathan walks away from her and is enveloped by the darkness.

Nathan?

            More lights go out until she is isolated.

Nathan?

            Finally, the last light goes out, leaving her in darkness.

VII. Surprise!!!

            Back in Nathan's basement, Laurie, Cal, and Emma enter quietly. Emma and Laurie each carry two large bags full of balloons. Cal has a few aluminum buffet trays full of food.

CAL

This was a great idea, Emma.

EMMA

Yeah, I figured Nathan needed a pick-me-up after his weird, disease reveal party.

LAURIE

Potential disease reveal party.

EMMA

Right. Anyway, I'm sure a good, surprise hang out will be just the thing to get him feeling like his old self.

CAL

I hope so. I miss the guy. He just doesn't have that fire he used to have, ya know?

LAURIE

Yeah…

CAL

Let's all be especially nice to him. Really show him how much we love him.

EMMA

Good idea. Now, he should be here in a few minutes, so I'm going to hide in the closet and start getting these balloons out. When he comes by, yell "surprise" really loud and I'll burst out of the room with the balloons. Got it?

CAL

Got it!

            Emma enters the closet with the balloons.

I'm so excited! I love surprises. Don't you love surprises?

LAURIE

I do, Cal. Can you just, tone it down a notch, though? I'm a little tired.

CAL

Sure thing, honey. Are you okay? 

LAURIE

Yeah, I just didn't get enough sleep last night. I had a strange dream.

CAL

What about?

LAURIE

Oh, I don't really remember. It's all fuzzy. Something about Nathan… I dunno. Something was off with him.

CAL

Off? How so?

LAURIE

He just wasn't him. I mean, he was him, but he wasn't him. Maybe he never was. Does that make any sense?

CAL

Not one bit. But, hey, I'm sure having some fun tonight will cheer you right up. We'll have a good time, eat a little food, play some games, and you'll see that he's the same pain in the butt he always was.

            Laurie smiles.

Thanks, hon. I'm sure that's all I need.

            RUSTLING is heard upstairs.

That must be him! Hurry, hide!

            Cal clumsily slips behind Nathan's mess of tools. Laurie conceals herself behind the upright canoe.

            Nathan enters with a small duffle bag. He is wearing earphones and seems on the verge of dancing. He throws his bag down on the couch and unzips it.

            He takes out his phone and selects a song.

NATHAN

That's the one. Love this song.

DOO DO DO DOO

DODA DOO DO DO DOODY DOODA

DOO DO DO DOO

DODA DOO DO DO DOODY DOODA

            Cal and Laurie sneak out. They giggle at Nathan's unwitting performance.

I'M SINGIN' IN THE RAIN

JUST SINGIN' IN THE RAIN

WHAT A GLORIOUS FEELIN'

I'M HAPPY AGAIN

            Nathan takes out three greeting cards and three envelopes from the bag.

I'M LAUGHIN' AT CLOUDS

SO DARK UP ABOVE

THE SUNS IN MY EYES

AND I'M READY FOR LOVE

            He examines the cards and places them in their own envelopes. He licks them shut.

            Laurie and Cal share a confused look.

LET THE STORMY CLOUDS CHASE

EVERYONE FROM THE PLACE

COME ON WITH THE RAIN

I'VE A SMILE ON MY FACE

            He reaches back into his bag and pulls out a noose. He stands on the table and throws one end of the rope over a beam. He ties a hitch knot using the rope, while leaving the noose end to dangle down.

I'LL WALK DOWN THE LANE

WITH A HAPPY REFRAIN

JUST SINGIN'

SINGIN' IN THE RAIN

            Nathan puts one hand on the noose and takes a step toward it.

LAURIE AND CAL

Nathan, no!

            Nathan pauses. He slowly turns around to see Laurie and Cal. He takes his earphones out, looks at the noose, then back at them.

NATHAN

Uh… Surprise!

            Emma stumbles out of the closet, along with dozens of balloons which quickly scatter all over the room.

EMMA

Surprise!!! Oh my God.

            Lights down.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

VIII. Egg Meet Face

            Nathan is back in the basement, standing with his hands around the noose as Laurie, Emma, and Cal stare back at him.

LAURIE

Nathan. What the hell do you think you're doing?

NATHAN

What the hell am I doing? What the hell are you doing? This is an unfinished ceiling. It's going to be such a pain in the ass to get all those balloons down.

EMMA

Nathan!

NATHAN

Alright, alright. You caught me. I was going to kill myself.

LAURIE

What do you mean you were going to kill yourself?

NATHAN

What do you mean by "what do you mean you were going to kill yourself?" Seems pretty straightforward.

CAL

Nathan, suicide is a mortal sin. There's no coming back from that; it's straight to hell.

NATHAN

Nice try, Cal. That's what Catholics believe.

CAL

Gosh darnit. He's right. Jesus still loves him.

LAURIE

Cal, don’t lie about sin.

CAL

I'm swinging wild, hon! I've never been in this situation!

EMMA

Then shut up, Cal.

CAL

I can do this… There are two sets of footprints on the beach.

NATHAN

Oh my god.

EMMA

Shut u-u-up!

LAURIE

Just. Be quiet, dear.

            Laurie calmly walks over to Nathan and offers he hand. He takes it and gets down from the table.

Now, big brother. What are you doing?

NATHAN

I'm killing myself.

            Laurie instinctively slaps him. She immediately regrets it.

LAURIE

Oh my gosh, Nathan, I am so sorry. I don't know why I did that.

NATHAN

Ow.

LAURIE

Oh, shut up. Big baby. You were just about to choke yourself to death and you think a little slap was painful? What the hell is wrong with you?

EMMA

Is this because of the ALS? Nathan, you're not even sick. You just have the potential to get sick. It doesn't mean you will.

NATHAN

It's not the ALS. I mean, it is, but it isn't.

EMMA

What does that mean?

NATHAN

Nothing.

CAL

Wait, Nathan. What was the plan here? Which one of us were going to find you?

LAURIE

Yeah, did you think of that? Or was your selfish ass just going to leave it to chance?

NATHAN

Of course I thought of that.

LAURIE

And?

            Nathan sighs deeply then opens the back door and pulls off a note taped to the door. He hands it to Cal.

CAL

"You're move, Allen." What the heck is this?

LAURIE

Allen? Like, your neighbor, Allen?

NATHAN

Ha! Yeah, so check it. Last year, I signed up for one of those neighborhood communication apps. I heard that they were a good way to find out just how problematic your neighbors are, so I was pretty interested.

CAL

Wait, what is this?

NATHAN

It's just a way that neighbors can communicate with each other to monitor the neighborhood. It's supposed to be like a virtual neighborhood watch, but this guy Allen just uses it to report everyone doing tiny things that irritate him. Seriously, there's like fifty a day. Things like, "Neighbor A fails to take trash to the curb in timely fashion" or "Neighbor B parks too many cars in driveway" - crap like that.

EMMA

Oh my god.

NATHAN

I know, right? What a dick.

EMMA

No. You, Nathan. You're killing yourself to fuck with this guy's mind?

NATHAN

No, no, no. It's a nice byproduct of killing myself. Let me explain. You see, I've been playing chess with Allen for almost a year now. Every Sunday at 4, he comes by and we play. I let him moan about the neighborhood while we knock out a few games and have a beer. We're actually pretty evenly matched, so it's kind of nice to play. Of course, I have to try my best to maintain the illusion that I'm the perfect neighbor, as to not come into his crosshairs. I've really started to believe that he's come to think of me as a friend.

EMMA

Then why the note?

NATHAN

Well, I was originally going to start doing weird little things with his property to make him think he was losing his mind. For instance, I wanted to move his mailbox over a few inches each day. Or, I wanted to replace random shingles on his roof. It was all pretty intricate. I have keys to his house and know his work schedule, so it was no biggie.

EMMA

That's messed up.

NATHAN

Eh. Potato-potahto. I think of it as justice. Anyway, once I resolved to kill myself, I figured the note would be a big enough mind fuck to be satisfying.

CAL

Nathan, that's… Legitimately evil.

NATHAN

Whoa. I think, "morally questionable" would be the limit there. Evil is a bit strong.

LAURIE

No, that's evil. You have no idea what could have happened to Allen. What if the cops thought Allen did something to you?

NATHAN

Come on. There's nothing here that would point to murder. Look, I even left you notes.

            Nathan hands out the three cards. They reluctantly open them.

CAL

Mine is just of a cat hanging on a tree branch and underneath you wrote, "hang in there". That's morbid.

NATHAN

Okay, admittedly, his was bad. But the other ones are heartfelt.

EMMA

Mine is of a very long wiener dog and it says, "you're a wiener in my book". And the wiener dog has a little gold medal around its neck, to tell you it is a winner.

NATHAN

You're a wie-ner in my book. Get it?

EMMA

Very funny. I am so glad that these words were going to be your last words to me.

NATHAN

I meant every one of them.

CAL

Hon?

LAURIE

Huh?

CAL

What does your card say?

LAURIE

It's a graduating high school class. It says "had fun in Mr. Peterson's English class. You rocked that report on Jane Austin. Have a good summer".

CAL

There is something wrong with your soul, Nathan.

NATHAN

Come on, guys. I could have just said nothing.

LAURIE

You might as well have.

NATHAN

Well… I don't know what to tell you. This is me. This is how I show love.

LAURIE

It's stupid and selfish.

NATHAN

Fine. I'll write you some better notes. Now, if you could all please leave me alone. I write better in solitude.

EMMA

No. You'll just kill yourself if we leave.

NATHAN

Well, shit, guys. Pick one! Do you want better farewell notes or for me not to kill myself?

EMMA/LAURIE/CAL

For you to not kill yourself!

NATHAN

Okay. Geeze. Thanks for clarifying. I won't kill myself.

EMMA

Okay, weird cards and mind fucking the neighbor aside - why do you want to die? 

            Nathan takes a beat. He sits on the couch.

NATHAN

I don't… Feel… Like a person should feel.

EMMA

About what?

            Emma sits next to him.

NATHAN

About everything. Anything. There is something missing from me that other people have. It's the part that makes them sad when something sad happens, or happy when something good happens. I don't have that thing.

EMMA

What are you talking about, Nathan? You've been happy before. This just sounds like depression.

NATHAN

It's not depression.

EMMA

Depression isn't always overwhelming sadness. Sometimes, it's just feeling dead inside.

NATHAN

I'm telling you that it's not depression. I don't feel depression. I never have. I don't even think I feel happiness. Sure, I know how to smile and laugh, but that's not the same as happiness. Or contentment or love.

CAL

You don't feel love?

NATHAN

No. I don't think so.

EMMA

When did you start feeling this way?

NATHAN

I first started questioning things when I did my genetic test to see if I had the ALS genes. I remember sitting in the waiting room with another guy. I had no idea what he was there for, but it didn't look good. He was terrified. He was shaking and sweating like crazy. Must have been something bad. I remember thinking about what would happen if I would develop ALS. I pictured my life as I became a huge burden on you all. I imagined Emma pushing me around as my body seized up. I thought of Laurie feeding pureed food to me in the last days of my throat being able to swallow by itself. I even shuttered when I thought of Cal reading the Bible to me in some last-ditch effort to convert me. And in my mind, I didn't feel fear when thinking about these things. I just felt… I dunno… Annoyed. Mostly. But, shouldn't I have been scared? Was annoyance the appropriate reaction? It was a strange dissonance. I knew I should have been scared. I knew it. I started thinking about other times in my life when I should have felt one way but didn't. Car crashes. Speaking in front of crowds. First dates. Nothing. No fear. Not even the good kind that accompanies a first kiss.

            Emma turns away as if she were pushed.

I thought this was strange, so I went to a therapist for a few weeks. They helped me work through my past. I was able to see that so many of these large experiences in my life were missing this component of feeling. The shrink said that some people were just that way, ya know? Unfeeling. They urged me to look at it like a superpower. They said that some people who aren't prone to emotional feeling become brain surgeons as their steady hands can operate better without the nerves of other doctors. Or, how some people use their lack of fear to become good soldiers or to communicate effectively as lawyers or to -

LAURIE

- Deliver eulogies.

NATHAN

Or to deliver eulogies.

            Laurie is taken aback. She pauses for a moment, collects herself, then picks up her things.

LAURIE

Well, Nathan. This has been a pleasure.

EMMA

You can't just leave.

LAURIE

Why not? Am I supposed to live here? Watch him every minute? You've explained yourself, Nathan. You've heard our objections. Do whatever you want.  

CAL

Honey bunny. A lost soul is just a child in darkness that hasn't found the light switch.

            Silence.

EMMA

What?

LAURIE

Fine. I'll stay.

NATHAN

No way that stupid saying is in the Bible.

CAL

Yes it is.

NATHAN

Where?

CAL

Uh, I'm pretty sure it's a psalm.

NATHAN

I'm sure it is.

EMMA

So, you really don't remember feeling anything? Even… About us?

NATHAN

I'm sorry… No.

LAURIE

Horseshit.

NATHAN

Laurie.

LAURIE

No. You're lying. This is just another lie. Another stupid eccentricity of yours. Just like your stupid cards and that fucking cake.

CAL

Wait a second. Maybe it's not a lie. Or, at least, not to him.

LAURIE

What the hell are you talking about?

CAL

Honey, language.

EMMA

What are you getting at, Cal?

CAL

Well… Memory is fickle, right? Who's to say he's not just misremembering things?

NATHAN

I'm not "misremembering things".

CAL

Well how do you know? Isn't that exactly what someone who is misremembering their past would say? Our minds are complex, right? Hear me out.

NATHAN

Okay. What do you think happened?

CAL

We've already established that depression has the ability to make a person not feel much of anything.

NATHAN

Yeah.

CAL

And science will tell us that memory is actually pretty unreliable.

NATHAN

I thought you were forbidden to believe in science?

CAL

The Pope is a scientist. I can believe in science.

NATHAN

Wait, you believe in the Pope?  

CAL

That's not important. The point is that that memories aren't reliable. They take in all of the information that you saw during an event and try to fill in more information to make the picture more complete. This can happen with our influence too. Like, Emma might witness a car accident and call an ambulance. But, years later, she might remember doing more to help the situation like providing aid to the driver or giving a statement to the police. Sometimes, we lie to ourselves without knowing and repeat the lie so much that it becomes truth in our memory.

NATHAN

How does this apply to me?

CAL

I propose that you have been depressed for much longer than you realize. This depression has become second nature to you - to such an extent that when you look back on your memories, you can't help but feel as though you've never felt anything at all. You can't see past your "unfeeling" state of mind so much so that you can't imagine a time when you ever felt more powerful emotions.

LAURIE

That… Makes a lot of sense.

EMMA

I mean… Yeah, Nathan, it kind of does. Maybe you’ve been numb for a shorter time than you’re making it out to be?

NATHAN

I'm telling you guys - that's not it.

LAURIE

Why not, Nathan?

NATHAN

Because I've always felt this way. I've always felt… "Off", I don't know. Just leave it alone.

LAURIE

I can't just leave it alone, Nathan.

NATHAN

Why not?

LAURIE

Because if you say that you never felt anything than that means all of the special memories we have about you are meaningless-

NATHAN

-I don't even remember my memories so maybe they are meaningless!

            Silence.

LAURIE

What do you mean you don't remember your memories?

NATHAN

I…

            Beat.

I didn't realize it until I saw the shrink. When I was asked to remember times of my life where I had huge swings of emotion, I… I couldn't. I mean, we had to pry thoughts out of my head. It took a long time. I mean, a really long time. Which is good if you get paid by the hour. But, eventually, we cracked it. It turns out that when you don't have heavy, emotional feelings then it's very difficult to make long term memories. There's nothing to cling on to. Nothing to differentiate a trip to the supermarket from the death of a parent. Do you remember every trip to the supermarket?

            Silence.

LAURIE

You're an asshole.

CAL

Honey.

LAURIE

Lie all you want. It won't make it easier to say goodbye to us.

NATHAN

I'm not lying-

LAURIE

-You're not being left alone.

NATHAN

What? You're going to stay here with me?

LAURIE

One of us is. We'll take turns. Right?

CAL

Sure thing, hon.

EMMA

I can do that.

NATHAN

This is ridiculous. For how long?

LAURIE

For as long as it takes. We're not giving up on you, Nathan.

            Nathan sighs in defeat.

NATHAN

Fine.

EMMA

Why don't you and Cal head out? I'll take the first shift.

CAL

You sure?

EMMA

Yeah. Just let me know when you're free to take over.

CAL

I'm busy Sunday. And, the Sunday after that. And, the following Sunday.

NATHAN

How about the Sunday after that?

CAL

I'll have to check my calendar.

            Cal pulls out a small Bible.

Yep.

NATHAN

Cute.

LAURIE

You have to try and get better, okay?

NATHAN

Okay.

LAURIE

Promise me.

NATHAN

I promise.

LAURIE

We're here for you, Nathan. We'll always be here for you.

            Laurie and Cal exit.

            Emma and Nathan look uncertainly at each other.

NATHAN

Scrabble?

            Lights out.

IX. Za, Qi, Xu 

            Emma and Nathan are in the basement playing Scrabble.

NATHAN

J-O-H-N. "JOHN". Triple letter comes to -

EMMA

"John" isn't a word.

NATHAN

Of course it is.

EMMA

It's a name. You can't do a name.

NATHAN

It's not a name. It's a place. Like, "I have to go to the john".

EMMA

You can't use slang.

NATHAN

Who said? I want to see the official rule book.

EMMA

No. Everybody knows that you can't use slang.

NATHAN

So, is the rule official or unofficial? If it's unofficial, I think we should go by house rules, in which case I say slang is perfectly legal.

EMMA

That's manipulative.

NATHAN

How is that manipulative?

EMMA

Because there is nothing saying that unofficial rules take a backseat to house rules. You're just rigging the conversation in your favor.  

            Nathan gives a sly smile.

NATHAN

Yeah, maybe you're right. You could always see right through me.

EMMA

I used to think so too.

            Emma gets up and walks over to the canoe.

NATHAN

It's just about finished.

EMMA

You forgot to put the Viking funeral in your suicide notes.

NATHAN

I figured you knew what I wanted. Plus, if it's illegal and you couldn't find a way to do it, then I'd trust you all would come up with a good solution.

EMMA

I'm surprised you wouldn't want me to bury you in the ceiling.

NATHAN

The ceiling? That's… Kind of awesome.

EMMA

It wouldn't take too much work to finish the ceiling in here. I could put your bones right there. Right above the couch. Every time someone slept directly under you, they'd get the strange sensation of being watched.

NATHAN

See, that's pretty morbid. I like the way that we communicate when we're alone. You get me. You get my humor.

EMMA

Yeah. Sometimes we click.

NATHAN

Just sometimes?

EMMA

Well… Shit, I mean. Yeah, Nathan. Sometimes we're on different wavelengths. Like when there are real stakes such as you telling your family about a potential illness or catching you with your head in a noose.

NATHAN

Yeah. I guess that would be tough to see.  

EMMA

You have to think of others sometimes.

NATHAN

It's never been my strong suit.

EMMA

I know.

NATHAN

You think that's why we broke up?

EMMA

… Maybe. I dunno.

NATHAN

Why did you always think we broke up? What makes us better friends than lovers?

EMMA

Don't say "lovers".

            She shudders.

NATHAN

You're right. It is a creepy thing to call a relationship.

EMMA

I think you were selfish.

NATHAN

And?

EMMA

And you kept me at an arm's length most of the time.

NATHAN

That can't be true.

EMMA

And, the times when you did let me in, you were the most wonderful, caring person I had ever known… But, I could tell it was hollow.

NATHAN

Hollow? 

EMMA

Yes.

NATHAN

How so?

EMMA

Well… I'm not sure… I guess you just said all the right things, you know? Nobody ever says all the right things. It was a strange magnetism, but it was pulling me in all sorts of different directions. Your personality. I couldn't trust it.

NATHAN

Oh. So, why did you keep me around?

EMMA

Cause you made me laugh. I liked being around you. It was loving you that was dangerous.

            Emma touches the canoe.

You don't remember when we met?

NATHAN

It was at camp. I know that.

EMMA

You remembered that I was pretty good with a bow. You had to if you wanted me to fire a flaming arrow onto the canoe.

NATHAN

What are you getting at?

EMMA

I think you're wrong. About your mind. Your memory - I think you're wrong. How could you remember something like that and not how you felt about things like your mom's funeral?

NATHAN

I remembered the bow because it's like, the coolest thing about you. You've told me a thousand times how your dad used to take you hunting. The thing about stories is that they are emboldened by the emotion of the moment over time. Stories are something that you repeat because they're cool to talk about over a beer. Most people don't repeat intimate moments with their friends. Those things are supposed to live on in your memory. I mostly live in the present, Emma. I always have.

EMMA

So, you've never thought about something like… Our first kiss? 

            Beat.

            Emma walks up to Nathan and grabs his hands. She closes her eyes. He closes his. The scene struggles to change. First, walls start to move. Then, the wooded backdrop of the camp jerkily drops in. Finally, Young Emma and Young Nathan enter. Young Nathan knocks an arrow on his bow. Young Emma walks up to him from behind. She places her hands around him - adjusting them on the bow.

            Nathan and Emma open their eyes to see their younger selves.

EMMA

This was when I knew I wanted to kiss you.

            Young Nathan and Young Emma share a moment. Young Emma takes a step back and Nathan lets loose the arrow. It hits a practice target.

NATHAN

I remember pieces of this. It's all flashes, mostly.

EMMA

Try harder.

            Young Emma takes the target and runs offstage. She runs back with Nathan's arrow in her hand. She takes the bow and aims it to the sky.

NATHAN

I remember… Being impressed. And a little turned on.

EMMA

What did I tell you about?

NATHAN

Uh. I'm not sure -

EMMA

- Archers. They had to shoot their bows high -

NATHAN

- high, yes. In the air.

            Young Emma shoots her arrow but looks disappointed.

EMMA

I missed.

NATHAN

I still thought it was impressive.

EMMA

You did?

NATHAN

Of course. You were a thousand times a better shot than I was. I'm surprised I didn't shoot myself.

EMMA

You might've, if I hadn't come along.

            They both laugh.

Do you remember what happened next?

            They watch as Young Emma and Young Nathan kiss.

Tell me what you feel?

            Emma and Nathan close their eyes.

NATHAN

I feel… Like electricity is coursing through my body. Starting in our lips and surging through my neck and my chest and bringing life into my heart for the first time. I remember, not knowing what that feeling was. It was so new, but it was good.

            Emma smiles.

I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I legitimately wasn't sure if I was going to live or die from this feeling, but… If I did die, then that would be okay. Because I got to experience this moment.

            Emma starts to sense something. She opens her eyes and looks at Nathan.

Your lips were the sweetest thing I had ever tasted. And… I remember my lips shaking - I was so nervous. But, after a while, I stopped. I knew that I was safe in that moment. I had never felt more safe.

            Emma begins to cry. Nathan opens his eyes.

EMMA

How much of that was true?

            Nathan is silent.

You're… You're a monster.

            The set turns back into the basement. Young Emma and Young Nathan exit.

NATHAN

Emma.

            Nathan reaches for her, but she recoils.

EMMA

Don't! I can't be here. I can't be around you. I need to - I need to go.

NATHAN

Emma, please. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I thought that's what you wanted.

EMMA

I want reality, Nathan.

NATHAN

And that is what I'm offering. I just need you to see me.

EMMA

You're not real. I'm sorry, but you're not. I can't - I have to go.

            Emma exits.

            Nathan tries to follow her, but stumbles onto the floor, grabbing his leg.

NATHAN

What the hell?

            Nathan feels his leg stiffen. He tries to bend it, but can't. He manages to stand up and open the door, but Emma is long gone.

            Lights out.

X. This Dorm is a Den of Sin

            Cal is making a sandwich in his kitchen. There is a KNOCK at the door.

CAL

You forget your house key? It's unlocked, hon!

            Nathan enters.

Oh. Nathan, hey. I thought you were Laurie. She should be back any minute from the store. You, uh, you doing okay? I thought you were still with Emma?

NATHAN

She got mad at me and left. I figured she'd tell Laurie, so I'd better come over so she knows I'm safe.

CAL

Yeah, she does worry about you. Even when you're not feeling as blue as you have been.

NATHAN

Yeah.

CAL

Something wrong with your leg?

NATHAN

What?

CAL

You're just looking a little stiff there.

NATHAN

Oh. Yeah, it's nothing. Just an old sports injury.

CAL

Well, I've never known you to play a sport in your life, but it's interesting that you thought of that excuse.

NATHAN

How do you know I never played sports growing up?

CAL

Laurie told me. She tells me a lot about you. Says she knows you better than you know yourself. With your little memory problem - I'm beginning to wonder if that's true.

NATHAN

I wouldn't put it past her.

CAL

Speaking of memory… Me and the missus were talking the other day about the first time you and I met. Well, both first times.

NATHAN

Both?

CAL

Yeah, you know. The "official" first time and the "unofficial" one.

NATHAN

I have no idea what you're talking about.

CAL

Oh, come on. It's okay, Nate. It's just us guys here. Remember, when Laurie "introduced" me to you even though our official first meeting was the first day of college. Don't worry, I told her the whole story, exactly as it went down. I swear, we must have had the craziest roommate story in the history of that dorm.

NATHAN

Dorm? Oh! Yeah, no, of course. That was a crazy night.

CAL

So, you remember it?

NATHAN

Of course.

CAL

I swear. I had to get out of there. You partied just a little too hard for my taste.

NATHAN

I partied?

CAL

Like a wild man.

NATHAN

Sure, sure. Tell you what - why don't you tell me everything you remember about that night.

CAL

Well, sure.

            The set changes to the dorm room. Young Cal enters. He is on the phone.

YOUNG CAL

Barb?

Hey honey! How are you today?

Well, that's good. Yeah, I finally made it to my room.

It's nice, it's nice.

It's a shared room, yeah.

Shared bathroom. For the whole floor, actually.

            Cal bursts out laughing.

Oh, shoot, honey, I hope not! You sure are funny today! Do you have Bible study after work tonight?

            Young Nathan walks in carrying a duffle bag.

Oh, I have to go. My new roomie just got here.

Jesus and I love you too. Bye.

            Young Cal eagerly extends his hand to Young Nathan.

CAL

Ah, this takes me back. What about you?

NATHAN

It's interesting. I'll give you that.

YOUNG CAL

Hi! Cal Thompson. I'm your new roommate.

YOUNG NATHAN

Cal, huh? I'm Nathan. Sorry, did I interrupt your phone call?

YOUNG CAL

No, no, not at all. Just this girl…

YOUNG NATHAN

It wasn't your girlfriend, was it?

YOUNG CAL

Uh, actually -

YOUNG NATHAN

- Good! Can you imagine being dumb enough to come to college with a high school girlfriend? It's like going into a sword fight with a hand tied behind your back.

NATHAN

I did not say that. Did I?

CAL

You did.

NATHAN

No way. That seems too shitty.

            Young Nathan takes out a hot plate, various candles, and multiple boxes of matches and places them on his desk.

Okay, that is just nonsense. That is a comical amount of flammable materials.

CAL

It's all true. Including this next moment. Like Jesus being tempted in the desert, so too did you tempt me with this next sinful moment.

YOUNG NATHAN

Dude, college is the place where you can truly experience everything.

            A gentleman's magazine falls out of Nathan's bag. Cal picks it up and immediately opens to a centerfold.

Everything. I'm talking girls, booze, drugs, various types of Satan worship, evry-thing. So, I have one question for you, Cal Thompson… Are you ready to fuckin' party?

NATHAN

Wait, wait, wait, pause.

            Young Cal and Young Nathan freeze.

I never read nudie mags. Dude, the internet existed fifteen years ago. We had laptops and wifi. This is ridiculous.

CAL

What are you talking about. You saw it fall out of your bag.  

NATHAN

What the hell could it have been? Wait…

            Nathan moves to the magazine. He picks it up and turns it inside-out, revealing that it was a National Geographic magazine the entire time.

Oh, that's not good, Cal. You've misremembered this whole thing.

CAL

No. That's not right.

NATHAN

Let's see what really happened.

            Young Nathan and Young Cal rewind a bit. Nathan puts the magazine back in the bag.

YOUNG CAL

Hi! Cal Thompson. I'm your new roommate.

YOUNG NATHAN

Cal, huh? I'm Nathan. Sorry, did I interrupt your phone call?

YOUNG CAL

No, no, it wasn't important. Just this girl…

YOUNG NATHAN

It wasn't your girlfriend, was it?

YOUNG CAL

Uh, actually --

YOUNG NATHAN

Yeah, my girlfriend and I just broke up. But, it's for the best. We're still friends. There are plenty of cute girls on campus, I'm sure.

YOUNG CAL

You're right. There are.

            Nathan takes out a hot plate.

YOUNG NATHAN

I've always heard college was a good place to really stretch your legs, ya know? Try new things. Find out who you really are. What you really want.

            A National Geographic magazine falls out of Young Nathan's bag. Young Cal picks it up and it opens to a random page. What he sees transforms him. The lights dim. The sexiest saxophone music you've ever heard starts playing just for him.

YOUNG CAL

Ohhh momma.

YOUNG NATHAN

What's that?

YOUNG CAL

Nothing! Uh, nothing at all.

            Young Nathan takes the magazine.

YOUNG NATHAN

Yeah, okay. I'm going to go outside and have a smoke. But, uh, since we're both obviously single, why don't we hit up a party sometime and talk with some girls?

YOUNG CAL

I'm ready.

YOUNG NATHAN

Welcome to college, I guess.

            Young Nathan pats Young Cal on the back then exits.

NATHAN

Wow.

CAL

What just happened?

NATHAN

I think we found the truth of what happened that day. The thing with the magazine was really problematic, even for fifteen years ago.

CAL

How so?

NATHAN

Internalized Colonialist Objectification.

CAL

Wait, what?

NATHAN

Jesus, Cal. Didn't you study at all in college? Or were you too busy blaming me for corrupting you?

CAL

I never said you corrupted me.

NATHAN

No, but I tempted you like Jesus in the desert.

CAL

Clearly, I was projecting my dissatisfaction with how boring my life was.

NATHAN

Clearly.

CAL

Don't do that.

NATHAN

What happened next?

CAL

My girlfriend was on the phone - I thought you were there for that part.

NATHAN

These are your memories, Cal. I'm just along for the ride.

CAL

Okay, well, it turns out my girlfriend was still on the phone when I said all of that stuff about wanting to meet other girls.

NATHAN

Oh shit.

CAL

Yeah. She broke up with me that day.

NATHAN

And that's when you decided to kill yourself?

CAL

I didn't try and kill myself. Don't you remember?

NATHAN

Maybe I do now. But, I'm curious to see what you remember.

CAL

Well, you came back to the room and you were drunk. And high. You said you took something and drank something and you felt great after. And, I don't know, you looked so carefree. I wanted to feel that way. So, after you passed out, I got drunk at a frat house then came back and took some of your meds. Omepra-something.

NATHAN

Aw, all that to be as cool as me? I'm flattered.

CAL

Whatever.

NATHAN

Maybe I can fill in some gaps here. I actually remember bits and pieces of this night cause it was so shitty.

CAL

Shitty?

NATHAN

Language. This is a house of God, Cal.

            Cal isn't amused.

Anyway. I came back to the room looking the way I did because I was feeling really sick during a study group, and a girl gave me cough syrup that had codeine in it.

CAL

Wait… You were just sick?

NATHAN

Yeah. It fucking sucked. I got the flu that weekend and got pneumonia so bad I had to go to the hospital. That's why I remember it so well. And your hardcore, frat boy self popped all my omeprazole. You wouldn't have died, but I bet you didn’t have heartburn for a few weeks!

CAL

No. That's not true. That's not how it went down.

NATHAN

How do you know? We've already proven that your memory is unreliable. Everything that you did that day was of your own accord. You screwed up with your girlfriend then followed every dark desire you had before you couldn't stand yourself, and then you took those pills to meet your maker.  

CAL

Fuck you, Nathan.

NATHAN

And you blamed me for turning you away from your God for fifteen years.

CAL

Shut up.

NATHAN

Then you had the nerve to spend the past ten years trying to convert me? Telling me I was the sinful one? You're a hypocrite dude.

CAL

Shut up!

            Nathan stops. The house returns to normal. Young Nathan and Young Cal exit.

You've never loved me, I get that. You always thought that I was weird or pushy or, just an idiot. I knew that we could never be brothers, but I thought we might one day become friends at least. Just tell me one thing… When Laurie introduced me to you five years later, why didn't you say you knew me?

NATHAN

Honestly? I didn't remember you.

            Cal is deeply wounded.

CAL

I always looked up to you as the man who saved my life that night. That’s why I tried so hard to save you.

            Cal starts to leave.

NATHAN

Hey, where are you going? Why don't you stick around and try to get me into heaven - like old times?

CAL

You'd have to have a soul for that to happen.

            Cal exits.

            Nathan stands still. Suddenly, a strange pain overtakes him. He grits his teeth as his arm stiffens like a pose-able doll. His hand straightens out as his fingers merge together. He tries to pull them apart, but can't.

            Lights down.

XI. A Toast for the Dearly Departed 

            In Cal and Laurie's kitchen, Nathan struggles to move.

            Laurie enters.

LAURIE

Hey.

NATHAN

Hey.

LAURIE

Are you okay?

NATHAN

Yeah, I'm fine.

LAURIE

You don't look right.

NATHAN

I don't feel right either.

LAURIE

Groucho Marx, everyone.

NATHAN

Eight days a week and twice on Sundays.

LAURIE

Why are you being so awkward?

NATHAN

I don't know. I'm sorry, I just had bad experiences with both Emma and Cal. I don't want things to go south with you too.

LAURIE

Cal left?

NATHAN

I pissed him off.

LAURIE

'Bout time. You're always making fun of him.

NATHAN

This wasn't like that.

LAURIE

Oh.

NATHAN

Can you make me some tea?

LAURIE

Tea?

NATHAN

I'm a little stiff. I need to relax. I think some hot tea would help.

LAURIE

Green?

NATHAN

Black, if you have it.

LAURIE

I do.

NATHAN

Thanks. I have to stop this stupid body from locking up any further.

LAURIE

The weather is changing. Maybe it's just a reaction to that? Like how my knee hurts when there's going to be a hail storm.

NATHAN

That can't possibly be true.

LAURIE

There's a correlation. I've tracked it.

NATHAN

That's… Interesting.

LAURIE

Right?

            Silence.

I was thinking about mom's funeral the other day. Dreaming about it.

NATHAN

Really? What about?

LAURIE

Mostly a little PTSD. That day was traumatizing. I must have had six or seven panic attacks throughout the day. Every time I would have one I would take a time out. Go lay down. Catch my breath. Then I would have to go back outside to talk to people, and of course, some random relative would come up to me and hug me and say "she didn't deserve what happened to her". And I would just break down all over again. It was horrible.

NATHAN

It sounds horrible.

LAURIE

Then, I thought about my wedding day, and the same thing happened, right? I would freak out about something and start to feel the panic building in my hands. Then, I would leave, lay down, recuperate. And, I would go back outside and some random relative would say, "I wish your mother could have been here to see you". And I would be knocked down again. Gut punched. It was ridiculous. I shouldn't have the same trauma from my wedding day as I do from my mother's funeral. I don't think that's unreasonable to ask.

NATHAN

Of course not.

LAURIE

But, both times, I remember looking at you. You walked through the crowd with ease. You shook everyone's hand if they offered it or returned each hug if they needed that. You offered your own words of strength and resilience, when that's not the way it goes, Nathan. It’s backwards. People are supposed to console you when your immediate family is the deceased. You don't tell second-cousin Carol to be strong when it's your mom lying in the ground. Who does that?

NATHAN

It seemed like they needed it.

LAURIE

They could have gone without. I needed that. You needed that. I needed you to feel what I felt. I just didn't know it. But, you got up, and gave your stupid speeches that were so beautiful and worded so perfectly that they made everyone cry and not one of those words were true. Right?

NATHAN

Of course they were true.

LAURIE

That's not what truth is. Truth is something you feel. Not nice platitudes. That's how you write for Hallmark - not how you eulogize your mother.

            The tea kettle starts to whistle. Laurie gets up and pours hot water into a cup. She dips a tea bag in and places it in front of Nathan.

LAURIE

Milk? Sugar?

NATHAN

Both. Thanks.

            Nathan struggles to pour milk into his cup. He takes the teaspoon between his impossible-to-open hands and fails miserably at stirring his tea.

LAURIE

Jesus. Here.

            Laurie takes a straw out of a large bundle and places it in his drink. He sips.

You need to see a chiropractor.

NATHAN

I'll keep that in mind. Thanks. Why do you have so many straws?

LAURIE

They were moms. Towards the end.

NATHAN

Oh. My words weren't lies, you know. They were just things people needed to hear. True things.

LAURIE

Maybe. But sometimes words need to come from the heart, Nathan.

NATHAN

I was speaking from the heart.

LAURIE

Bullshit.

NATHAN

I'm serious.

LAURIE

You wouldn't even know how to begin listening to your heart.

NATHAN

That's not true.

LAURIE

Then what did you say? At my wedding or the funeral. Just give me one sentence.

NATHAN

I…

            Nathan thinks, but can't produce anything.

LAURIE

I don't know why you tried to kill yourself. You're already a ghost. There is nothing there but a transparent façade in the shape of person. I feel so stupid that I've never noticed that before.

            Laurie gets up to leave.

You can finish your tea. Stay here or go home. Just don't try and talk to me.

            Nathan tries to talk but can't. His mouth closes up - sealing his last means of communication. Laurie exits.

            Lights out.

XII. The Basement Tapes 

            Nathan, now completely unable to talk or move, sits in his basement canoe He is posed with the stiff joints of a Ken doll. He moves his head back in forth in a futile gesture. He looks at his surroundings but is unable to do much more.

            Emma enters.

EMMA

Nathan?

            He looks.

Hi… I wanted to come by and say one more thing.

            He mumbles through his closed mouth.

Don't talk. Just listen. I wanted to ask you to remember one more thing about us. Can you do that?

            He is silent.

I need you to think of this place. Think of how it looked back then. Almost twenty years ago now. Maybe it was a little cleaner. Maybe it was a little bigger. Maybe, it was a little bit warmer. It felt like home. And, two kids stumbled in. Seeking shelter from the rain.

            Young Nathan and Young Emma enter.

They were in love. Or, at least she was.

            Nathan mumbles an objection, but she shushes him.

They were freezing, but they knew their bodies would keep each other warm.

            Young Nathan and Young Emma strip to their underwear and start kissing on the couch. They pull a blanket on top of them.

He laid on top of her and kissed her sweetly. It was the first time for both of them, but there was no sense of urgency or nervous excitement. The gentle rhythm of their embrace lit a fire in her very soul.

            The young characters place their underwear outside of the blanket. Young Nathan pulls the blanket over the tops of their heads and they are completely covered.

EMMA

Time had no meaning. It felt like it never would again. She didn't know where her body ended and his began. And, when it was over, she looked deep into his eyes. He looked back. And I playfully bit his nose and told him that I loved him. Do you remember what he said?

            Nathan is silent.

He told me that he loved me. And it was true.

            Silence.

I don't know who you are… But I can't let the Nathan that I loved die. Is he still in there?

            Nathan tries to nod his head, but struggles.

Do you remember this night?

            Nathan pauses, then looks back at the couch. Young Nathan and Young Emma have disappeared.

            Emma understands Nathan. She strokes Nathan's face one last time, then rises and exits.

            Lights out.

XIII. The Postman Always Rings Thrice

            Emma exits Nathan's home and enters an empty street. She takes one last look at the door, then starts walking away.

            Laurie and Cal enter holding envelopes.

EMMA

Hey.

LAURIE

Hey.

EMMA

What are you two doing here?

LAURIE

Looking for you.

EMMA

I'm sorry, but I'm done. I can't be here anymore.

LAURIE

Just, please. Look at this.

            Laurie hands Emma an envelope.

He must have mailed them the morning that he wanted to end his life.

EMMA

What is it?

LAURIE

We don't know. Figured we should read them all together before we decide anything.

            Emma hesitantly opens her envelope. The others do the same.

EMMA

“Dear Emma.”

CAL

“Dear Cal.”"

LAURIE

“Hey sis.”

EMMA

“I'm sorry that things had to end this way.”

LAURIE

“Please don't think that you had anything to do with my decision.”

CAL

“God came to me in a dream and told me this was mostly your fault, Cal.” Hey!

EMMA

“Over the last few weeks, I have struggled to come to terms with what my doctors call, ‘shallow affect’. As I was growing up, I knew that there was something different about me. It felt like I didn't experience the extreme joys of other people or know the same suffering.”

LAURIE

“It seems like a weird thing to complain about. ‘Not knowing suffering’. But, there is a kind of humanity in that, right? I wish I knew what it was like to mourn.”

CAL

“Or participate in the same kinds of community that you do. I wish I knew what it was like to truly look into someone's eyes and see their pain. To empathize with a fellow being.”

EMMA

“But I don't. Truthfully, I never have. Even my closest friends and family. I felt like a robot experiencing the world through ones and zeros. Nothing but cold data coming in.”

LAURIE

“I remember coming home from the funeral and thinking about you crying. I got so angry that I slapped myself repeatedly - telling myself to cry. Then I stood back and laughed at how futile that gesture was. Even the anger was a lie that I was telling myself.”

CAL

“As much as I am annoyed by you sometimes, I actually have to admit that a part of me admires you. Or, is at least jealous of you. The ease in which you tap into your emotion is remarkable. I think it's your superpower.”

EMMA

“I didn't want to leave without telling you that I love you. You were my best friend for so long. We've been through so much together that I needed to say that. In my own way, as much as I'm able, I love you.”

LAURIE

“And I'm sorry that my love was so hollow. But it was there. And it was true.”

CAL

“Don't go to the post office in the year 2039. I have prophesized your death. For the love of God, do not go to the post office in the year 2039!”

EMMA

“Always yours, Nathan.”

LAURIE

“Your loving brother, Nathan.”

CAL

“Regards, Nathan (Apostle of the Great Dark One).”

            They close their letters with half smiles on their faces.

            There is a CRASH from inside of the house.

LAURIE

Nathan!

            They rush into the door.

XIV. I'm No Dummy 

            The basement is dark. Emma, Laurie, and Cal walk in.

CAL

Nathan? You there, bud?

LAURIE

Get the switch.

            Cal walks over to the light switch and turns it on.

          They gasp at the sight of Nathan, who has now completely transformed into a grotesque, doll-like version of himself. His body is completely stiff. His eyes are twice as large as they once were and completely glossed over in a dead stare. Even his hair seems not quite human.

EMMA

Oh my god, Nathan.

            The table is trashed. On it, sits the noose, which Nathan was obviously trying to tie, but couldn't.

CAL

He's gone.

LAURIE

Did we kill him?

EMMA

Part of him. I think.

            Beat.

CAL

Do you think he cares?

            Emma, Laurie, and Cal look at each other with uncertainty.

            Lights fade out.

Thank you for taking the time to read this play. Feel free to produce any of my plays for free. All I ask is for credit and a couple of free tickets to your show. Change what you want, strike all of the stage directions if you would like, I don’t care. All I want is for you to make this play your own. Also, if there are copywritten things like song lyrics, please either secure the necessary rights to say them or change the lines to something royalty-free. Have fun!

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