TRAGEDY + TIME 

ACT I

(The lights come up quickly on a typical sitcom-style living room. A short MUSICAL RIFF plays to indicate that we are back from commercial. We see KARINA, a teenage girl, and ZACK, a teenage boy, as they run onstage carrying many boxes of cookies. They look nervous.

(The AUDIENCE LAUGHS.) 

KARINA. Hurry up! We have to get rid of these cookies before dad sees us!

ZACK. Where can we hide them? 

KARINA. I don’t know! Maybe we can dig a big hole in the yard and bury them?

ZACK. Good thinkin’, sis!

DAVID. (Calling from offstage) Hey kids! I was thinking we can all go out for ice cream. Would you like that?

ZACK. Um. No! We hate ice cream. 

KARINA. What!? 

ZACK. Play along. 

KARINA. (To Zack) Oh yeah. (Yelling to David) That’s right. We hate it! No reason to come downstairs, then. You should stay up there and take a nap. You sound tired. (To Zack) We need to leave now!

DAVID. (Offstage) You hate ice cream? Nobody hates ice cream. Are you kids feeling alright?

ZACK. We have to get outside. 

KARINA. Open the door! 

ZACK. I can’t. My hands are full!

KARINA. Mine too!

DAVID. (Offstage) I’m coming down there. 

(Zack and Karina look all over for a place to hide the cookies.)

KARINA. Uh, okay, but there’s absolutely nothing out of the ordinary going on here! 

(They settle on putting them under a blanket on the couch. They both fall over the couch in cute, innocent poses as DAVID, a man in his fifties, walks into the room.)

ZACK. Hi dad what’s up dad how’s it going dad?

DAVID. Am I losing my mind, or is the couch a bit lumpier than it used to be? 

KARINA. You’re losing your mind. 

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS.)

DAVID. What’s under the blanket?

(David crosses his arms and glares at the kids until they resign.) 

KARINA. We may have exaggerated about how many boxes of cookies we sold for the fundraiser. 

DAVID. Let me see. 

(Karina lifts the blanket and reveals the boxes. David is shocked. Zack immediately goes on the defensive.) 

ZACK. It wasn’t our fault! We were trying to sell them, but people didn’t want to buy any. And – and we didn’t want to let the school down, so we sort of… Lied… And said we sold the boxes. 

DAVID. Is that all?

KARINA. No. Principle Henderson was so impressed with how many boxes we “sold” that he gave us a bunch more to sell. I’m pretty sure it’s a pyramid scheme, pop. That’s how they get ya!

ZACK. (Sternly) Karina. 

KARINA. You’re right, I’m sorry. We just… Didn’t want people to be disappointed in us. 

(David sees how much the thought of disappointing their friends bothers Karina and Zack. He moves in between them and gets ready to deliver a life lesson.) 

DAVID. Look, kids. It’s normal to not want to disappoint people. Everybody struggles with telling the truth. It’s important to realize that sometimes lies can hurt people even more than the disappointment you’re trying to avoid. (The kids lower their heads). But you can’t beat yourself up over it. Once the lie is told, all you can do is fix it. 

KARINA. How do we fix it?

DAVID. Well… what’s the nicest type of bomb?

ZACK. Dynamite?

KARINA. A glitter bomb!

DAVID. No. It’s a truth bomb. Simply telling the truth shows that you’re owning up to your mistakes and value the respect of the people you’ve lied to. It won’t fix all your problems right away, but it’s a great place to start. Now what-do-ya say we go get that ice cream? Then we can swing by the Principal’s office and explain what happened. 

ZACK. Sounds great!

KARINA. I love you, dad. 

DAVID. I love you too, kiddo. You know why?

KARINA. Why?

(David picks up a box of cookies.)

DAVID. You saved me some double chocolate chip!

(They all laugh as the AUDIENCE CLAPS.) 

MAGGIE. (Shouting from offstage) Cut. (MAGGIE, a woman in her mid-20’s, enters carrying a clipboard. The cast drops their television personas and begin to leave. Karina pops a cigarette in her mouth as she exits. Maggie begins speaking to the audience.) Alright, we’re going to take a short break while we get the next act ready. Thank you all for coming. (To David) How’d you like it?

DAVID. It was good. I felt good about it. 

MAGGIE. Yeah, Jared is always hilarious. 

DAVID. Oh, did he write this one? I don’t believe I’ve met him yet. 

MAGGIE. You did. Last week, remember? He had dinner with us at Lucca. We took him out to celebrate his first night in town.  

(David appears to be growing confused.)

DAVID. That’s right. At Lucca. 

MAGGIE. Dad, where are you?

DAVID. Looks like the comedy club to me. 

MAGGIE. Okay. (Maggie becomes concerned and leads David to a table downstage. A brick wall appears upstage and a mic is brought out on a stand. The stage now resembles a traditional stand-up comedy stage.) Alex is up next. I love you, dad. (Maggie kisses David on the cheek and walks back up to the stage. She speaks into the mic.) Alright everyone, we're back. How are you enjoying your evening so far? (She responds appropriately depending on if the audience talks or not). Our next comic is my brother and he's actually very funny. I'm not being biased either. His first boyfriend told me he'd laugh every time Alex showed him his penis. Give a warm, Prop House welcome for Alex Malcolm! 

(Alex enters and takes the microphone.)

ALEX. Thanks, sis. In my defense he didn't laugh because of the size... It's more of a shape situation. (Laughs softly to himself). I almost didn’t make it today. I mean to the club. I know that sounded like a cry for help, but it wasn’t. I was running some errands earlier and I locked my keys in the car. Had to pay a locksmith $150 just to get my damn car open. Remember the good old days when you could stick a wire clothes hanger through a car window and just pop the lock? I used to drive an old Cadillac and I did lock my keys in the car once. I was with my husband, or boyfriend at the time, Jasim, and we were at his apartment in Pasadena. So, I got a wire hanger and we tried to pop the lock through the window of the car. The hanger thing wasn't working, so Jasim goes back into the apartment to look for something that might work better. While he is in the apartment, a cop drives by, and as you can tell, I'm not the best dresser. So, there I am trying to unlock some ghetto caddie with a wire hanger, meanwhile I'm wearing two dollar Walmart sweat pants that are just covered in Cheeto dust, and shame, and probably some mustard. My hair looks like if Albert Einstein’s bedhead fucked a Muppet. I looked like a criminal. Fuck it. I'll profile. But the officer just looks at me for a few seconds and drives away. What the hell, right? I mean, if someone was actually trying to break into my car, and they looked like I did at that moment, I'd want the cop to at least ask a question or two. So my boyfriend comes back, and I need to pee so I go inside while he keeps trying to unlock the car. I come back literally a minute later and there's a different cop talking to him. Oh, I should probably mention my boyfriend is from Iran. I know you probably didn’t get that when I told you his name was Jasim. That’s a strong, Christian name - Jasim… So I come outside and Jasim is standing there, wearing a fucking sweater vest, khaki slacks, Gucci shoes – he was basically the whitest person you’ve ever seen, and there he was about to be arrested for being brown. And I think to myself... This must be what a super hero feels like! So I yell, “Fear not, citizen! I shall save you with the awesome powers of the Caucasian!” 

(Singing.) 

HERE HE COMES TO SAVE THE DAY...

(The lights fade down from the stage as Alex continues to speak. Eventually his voice lowers to a barely audible routine. The lights shift to David’s table. Maggie enters and brings him a beer. They keep their voice in hushed tones as Alex is performing.)

MAGGIE. Jasim’s going to be pissed that he’s doing this routine again. 

DAVID. It works for him. Jasim should lighten up. 

MAGGIE. Or maybe Alex should get some new material. 

DAVID. Easy for you to say. When was the last time you got up there?

MAGGIE. I’m more of a writer. 

DAVID. You can be both. I remember your sets. You were hilarious – every time. I’d love to see you onstage again. 

MAGGIE. Maybe one day. 

DAVID. I’ll hold you to that. 

(The lights brighten on the stage as Alex is wrapping up his set.)

ALEX. Thank you so much for coming tonight. I’m Alex Malcolm. You’ve been great!

(Maggie and David clap as Alex leaves the stage. Alex joins them at the table.)

DAVID. Good set. 

ALEX. You’ve heard it a million times. 

DAVID. I have?

(David appears confused for a beat.)

ALEX. (Concerned) Dad – 

DAVID. Got ya! I may be going crazy, but I can still pull a fast one on you two any day. Now, Alex, if you would be so kind as to sit your ass down and have a beer with us. 

ALEX. I can’t. I told Jasim I’d be home before midnight.

(David is disappointed.)

DAVID. Well, I’d say you’re whipped, but you might be into that for all I know, you little deviant. 

ALEX. God, I love that wit. I’d say your passion for word play is almost as strong as my passion for butt play. 

MAGGIE. Alex – 

DAVID. (Slightly disgusted) You see, that’s what’s wrong with you comics these days. Everything is so god damn dirty. Anyone can get an audience to laugh with a few dick and balls jokes. Oh, there’s a female comic talking about her vagina? Let’s give her thirteen episodes on FOX. Give me a break. 

ALEX. (Sarcastically) Golly, Maggie, I wonder who he could be talking about? 

DAVID. Well why wouldn’t I bring her up? Kelly was such a cute kid on the show. I thought I could be her mentor. I thought she had some integrity.

ALEX. Kelly Echols is a multi-millionaire now. She’s in movies. You honestly thought she’d be Karina from your TV show for the rest of her life. What? Was she supposed to do public appearances on the convention circuit until she died? People like her style. They don’t like yours. I’m sorry, dad, but the world has moved on. 

DAVID. I’m sick of talking about this. I’m happy for her success. 

MAGGIE. Maybe we should just go home?

(David chugs his beer and places it hard on the table.)

DAVID. Good idea. (They get up to leave.) Bye, kiddo. (David and Maggie start to head out, but David turns back to Alex.) You know… I’m old school. And I just wish that you had some of that same fire in you. When you were starting out you were just like me. Where did that kid go?

ALEX. I had different wars to fight, dad. I’m not mad. I don’t look back and wonder how it would have been if I’d stayed more traditional. But I thought things needed to be said in a different way.

(Beat.)

DAVID. I guess that’s just how it goes. 

(They linger for a moment. Maggie gives Alex a hug.)

MAGGIE. Bye, Alex. Tell Jasim I said hi. (She puts her arm around David.) Let’s go home.

(Maggie and David exit. Alex sits down at the table. He pulls out a notebook from his pocket and begins to write.)

(The lights dim on the brick wall and the flat is taken away. Alex continues to write at the table. After a few beats, the lights come up again and we are in Alex’s home. JASIM enters.)

JASIM. What are you doing down here? I didn’t even hear you come home. 

ALEX. I’m sorry, babe. I got inspired to write. 

JASIM. How was the set?

ALEX. They laughed… They cried… They threw their underwear onstage and tattooed my signature on their foreheads. 

JASIM. So… Same old?

ALEX. Pretty much. My dad came. We got into a bit of a fight. 

JASIM. I know. Maggie texted me. She also said you did the “white savior” routine. 

ALEX. Traitor!

JASIM. You know I hate that. 

ALEX. Come on. It makes a point. 

JASIM. Maybe. But it also makes me look like a bitch.

ALEX. I’m sure you can earn back the street cred in no time. 

JASIM. I don’t know if I should slap you for that or not. 

ALEX. As long as you aim for my ass, I’m fine with it. 

JASIM. That won’t be hard, considering you’re one giant ass. 

(Jasim smiles slyly. They kiss playfully.)

ALEX. And I thought I was the comedian. 

JASIM. You’re a comedian? That’s odd, I’ve never heard you say anything funny. 

ALEX. I faked all my orgasms. 

(Jasim bursts out laughing, but quickly covers his mouth to stop.)

JASIM. I had my suspicions. 

ALEX. I also cheated on you with Channing Tatum. 

(Jasim can’t help but laugh this time.)

JASIM. I think having sex with Channing Tatum and not calling your husband to join is grounds for divorce. 

ALEX. Are you sure you’d be willing to Step Up to that challenge?

JASIM. Two hits and a miss. 

ALEX. Cause he was in a movie called Step Up –

JASIM. If you have to explain it, it’s not funny. Isn’t that comedy 101?

ALEX. Well, I thought it was funny. 

(Jasim gets up and walks around the kitchen.)

JASIM. I guess I’m up now. You hungry?

ALEX. Sure. 

JASIM. Me too. How about eggs?

ALEX. Sounds perfect. 

JASIM. Good. Use butter on the pan, not oil. 

ALEX. Oh! I was under the impression you were going to be gracing me with your fine culinary skills. 

JASIM. You know I’m not built for that 1950’s wifey shit. I’m the one who’s supposed to be drinking scotch and smoking cigars. 

ALEX. I can do those things. 

JASIM. Yeah? (Jasim takes some scotch and a glass out of a cupboard and pours some. He presents it to Alex.) Go for it. 

(Alex takes the glass. He picks it up and puts it to his mouth, but the smell overwhelms him.)

ALEX. Fuck that’s gross. How can you drink that crap?

JASIM. Because I’m the 50’s man, and that’s what men drank in the 50’s. Eggs, please. 

(Alex gets up and starts getting the ingredients ready. Jasim sits and sips the scotch.)

ALEX. Why couldn’t they just stick to beer in the 50’s, so my manliness could be measured from that? Or why couldn’t they drink a more delicious form of hard liquor, like White Russians? 

JASIM. They couldn’t drink White Russians in the 50’s because of the Red Scare. 

ALEX. Jesus… Color dictated so many of our opinions of things in the 50’s. (Beat.) Did you ever watch my dad’s show when you were a kid?

JASIM. Ah yes, Dad’s Home. The hottest show on Friday night’s in the 90’s. No. The first time I saw it was when we binge watched it together. Do you know how many hours that was? I do. Eight seasons at twenty-two episodes a season. Each episode being approximately twenty-two minutes long. That’s sixty-five hours if we round up. 

ALEX. Why did I marry a math professor?

JASIM. Because this math professor is the only one who loves you enough to sit through sixty-five hours of nonstop dad jokes and “very special episodes”. Why did you bring up your dad’s show anyway?

ALEX. Nostalgia, I guess. Tonight, we had a fight about Kelly Echols. 

JASIM. Mmm. God damn, I love her. 

ALEX. Yeah, well, my dad doesn’t. Not anymore. 

JASIM. Come on. There’s always that one person from a classic TV show that became super famous while the others settled down. 

ALEX. “Settled down”. That’s a nice way of putting it. I would’ve said, “fell into obscurity”. I wish my dad stayed in the spotlight. Maybe if he kept his mind active he wouldn’t be the way he is.

(Beat.)

JASIM. I really wish you wouldn’t do that routine. 

ALEX. The crowds like it. 

JASIM. The white ones do. And the club tends to be on the whiter side of things. 

ALEX. I can’t help that. My dad started that place in the 80’s. When comedy started to shift away from my dad’s weird, clean comedy and more towards the raw stuff from New York, it was the old white guys that kept coming. They stood by my dad week after week. And I’m trying to bring in a new crowd, babe. That’s why my jokes are important. 

JASIM. It just makes me uncomfortable. You can’t understand what it’s like being Arab in this country. 

ALEX. That joke exposes institutional racism in law enforcement. 

JASIM. And it has a point. I get why it exists. It doesn’t mean I have to like it. 

ALEX. It doesn’t mean you have to listen. 

JASIM. Are you listening? Are you listening to your husband make the simple request that you change a fucking joke to make him more comfortable?

ALEX. Is that what’s going on? Cause all I hear is my husband making an irrational request for something that he doesn’t see the bigger picture of.

JASIM. I can’t win with you. 

ALEX. Then why are you trying so god damn hard?

(Jasim gives up and exits in a rush. Alex sits back down at the table. He eyes the scotch, picks it up, but can’t bring himself to take a sip. He slams the cup back down. Lights out.)

(The lights fade up on the comedy club. David enters holding a beer and a bottle opener. He takes the cap off and drinks. David slowly walks up to the microphone and takes it.)

DAVID. Why is it always so dark in comedy clubs? Most people say it’s to add atmosphere, but I think it’s to trick you into thinking I’m more attractive than I actually am. It’s true. A four can look like a ten in the right light. (Maggie enters undetected. She watches David). In fact, I got a girlfriend that way once. I was doing a set in Denver and after the show she comes backstage and kisses me right on the lips. I was stunned! She grabs my hand and leads me outside in the dark. We walk to her apartment, in the dark. She leads me upstairs, in the dark. We… You know… In the dark. And in the morning we wake up and she takes one look at me and says, “Jeeze, last night I thought you were a ten!”. I look her right in the eye, give her a big smile and say, “I’m flattered, but last time I measured I was more like five-and-a-half.”.

MAGGIE. I thought you didn’t do dirty jokes?

DAVID. I thought I’d try something new. Maybe there is something to Alex’s style. 

MAGGIE. You’re thinking of performing again?

DAVID. Can’t run all my life. 

(Silence.)

MAGGIE. You really scared me. I woke up and you weren’t home. You’re not even supposed to drive. 

DAVID. Why not? You think if I forgot who I was I would just drive off a cliff or 
something? Don’t be stupid. 

MAGGIE. I’m not… I’m concerned. 

DAVID. I don’t need your concern. I’m still a man. I can still work, god damnit. But no. You want my job to be that of the victim. The former star handing out business cards on the subway that read, “Hello, my name is David Malcolm. You may remember me from that TV show from the 90’s. I have Lewy Body Dementia now. I have my good days and bad days, but every day alive is a gift, right?”

MAGGIE. I just want to help you – 

DAVID. By not believing I can do something so simple as a stand up routine? Sit down. 

MAGGIE. Dad –

DAVID. Sit. I still remember me. (Maggie sits at the table.) The first joke I ever told was in grade school. You know what that was? 

MAGGIE. No. 

DAVID. Knock knock. 

MAGGIE. Who’s there?

DAVID.  An interrupting cow who is always late. 

MAGGIE. An interrupting cow who?... Aren’t you going to interr –

DAVID. Moo!

(Maggie smiles as she is caught off guard.)

MAGGIE. You are ridiculous. 

DAVID. Think whatever you want, but that joke killed on the playground. The trick with that one is misdirection. Take a common punchline that most people know and deny their expectations until the punchline becomes unexpected.

MAGGIE. It was pretty good. 

DAVID. Why did the chicken cross the road?

MAGGIE. Why?

DAVID. To eat at the KFC. 

MAGGIE. Okay, that one is a little morbid. 

DAVID. One-hundred and one monkeys walk into a bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve your kind around here”. So the monkeys go home and write the greatest novel ever written. (Maggie laughs in an almost child-like way.) You like that one, huh? How about this – a priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having lunch. The rabbi turns to the priest and says, “how-“. No wait. The nun stands up and shouts… The rabbi turns to the nun and… (Maggie becomes instantly concerned). The ra-… (David instantly feels his world collapsing.)

MAGGIE. Dad, it’s okay. You’re just getting frustrated. You get forgetful when you’re frustrated. 

(David falls to his knees and tears at his head¬.)

DAVID. I can’t. I. Karina, I can’t. 

(Maggie holds her father tight and cradles him close.)

MAGGIE. Where are you, dad? Where are you?

(Lights out.)

ACT II

(Lights up on the sitcom house. David is sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper. Karina enters crying.)

DAVID. Karina, what’s wrong?

KARINA. Josephine said something really mean to me on the playground. 

(AUDIENCE “AWW”.)

DAVID. Now why would Josephine do a thing like that?

KARINA. She was knitting a really cool scarf, and I asked her if she could teach me how to knit. She said…

DAVID. What is it, honey?

KARINA. She said that, “only moms should teach little girls how to knit, and my mom should have taught me before she died”. 

DAVID. Karina. (He hugs her). Your mom loved you very much. You know that right?

KARINA. Yeah. 

DAVID. She taught you everything she could, but I gotta say – she couldn’t knit for beans. 

(Karina laughs so hard she snorts.)

KARINA. Mom didn’t know how?

DAVID. No, she wasn’t in to all that “traditional, girly stuff”. She taught you all the good stuff. Who taught you how to throw a baseball?

KARINA. Mom did. 

DAVID. That’s right, and she was so good, I bet she could have struck out Babe Ruth himself!

KARINA. You bet she could’ve!

DAVID. Yeah, I think everything that made you the wonderful person you are today came directly from her. 

KARINA. I want to be just like her when I grow up. 

DAVID. You don’t want to be like your old man?

KARINA. Dad, please. I love you, but I don’t know if I’d be happy selling life insurance. 

DAVID. And what would you be happy doing?

KARINA. Hmm. Traveling the world. Having adventures. 

DAVID. Falling in love?

KARINA. Da-a-ad! Cheeseball. 

DAVID. Well, whatever you end up doing with your life, I know that mom will be watching over you from heaven. She loved you more than anything in the world. 

KARINA. She can see me from Heaven? How?

DAVID. Well… What’s the strongest kind of tree?

KARINA. California Oak Tree. Duh.

(David laughs, as does the audience.)

DAVID. I’m afraid not. The strongest type of tree is a family tree. Nothing can break the bond of family. Not even a little thing like death. 

(Karina smiles as big and warm as she possibly can.)

KARINA. Thanks, Dad. That makes me feel a lot better. 

DAVID. Now, I have a confession to make. 

KARINA. What?

(David goes offstage and comes back with a ball of yarn and knitting needles.)

DAVID. Your mom may have had her skills, but so did I!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS. Karina shakes her head in disbelief at her goofy dad.)

(A loud BUZZ! Is sounded. Karina’s face goes blank and she walks coldly and silently out of the room. David looks lost and confused as Alex and Maggie enter.)

ALEX. Dad, are you okay?
    
(David manages to shake off the fog temporarily.)

DAVID. Uh, yeah. I just need a little fresh air. 

ALEX. Okay. Just stay close. Jasim’s outside. 

DAVID. Oh great. He can make sure your crazy, old man doesn’t wander off. You think I’ll be alright, or should I borrow the leash and collar you keep in your nightstand, so Jasim can keep me close?

ALEX. Funny. 

(David shakes his head and exits irritated.)

MAGGIE. He’s getting worse. 

ALEX. I can see it. This thing is pretty fast moving, right?

MAGGIE. Typically. I think he’s already getting hallucinations. Mild ones, maybe. He tends to drift off a lot. I can’t imagine what it’s like. 

ALEX. How could anyone? 

(Beat.)

MAGGIE. I wanted to talk to you about getting a nurse. 

ALEX. You know how I feel about that. 

MAGGIE. But I can’t keep this up anymore. Jared broke up with me. 

ALEX. What, why?

MAGGIE. Because I didn’t have time for him, Alex. Between the club and dad – I need some time for myself.

ALEX. So we just let a stranger take care of him? He barely remembers who we are half the time, so why would we leave him with a stranger? 

MAGGIE. Because they are trained to deal with these kinds of situations. We aren’t. 

ALEX. We’re his kids. We’re what’s keeping him grounded right now. If we take that away from him then… Then he might die faster. 

(Maggie sits down in defeat.)

MAGGIE. What do you think would be a better way to die. Fast like mom? Or slow like dad?

ALEX. I wouldn’t know. I’ve only ever died onstage. 

MAGGIE. It looks like you made a full recovery. 

ALEX. It was only a little death. 

(Maggie smiles.)

MAGGIE. That’s what the French call an orgasm. 

ALEX. Really? Weird. What do they call multiple orgasms in France?

MAGGIE. A Royale with cheese – how the fuck should I know? 

(They both laugh.)

ALEX. How about a compromise? No nurse, but I’ll agree to look after him more often. Deal?

MAGGIE. Deal. 

(Jasim and David enter.)

JASIM. It’s starting to get cold out. 

DAVID. You’re just used to the desert. It’s always warm in the desert. 

JASIM. I moved here when I was three. 

DAVID. And zero to three are your formative years. I didn’t invent child psychology, Jasim. 

JASIM. Jesus. 

DAVID. Alright, Maggie. Let’s get moving. I’m starved. 

MAGGIE. Okay, Dad. By the way, Alex wants to spend a lot more time with you in the future. 

JASIM. Hallelujah. 

DAVID. Two Christian words in a row, huh? Good. Jasim is finally assimilating. 

MAGGIE. Sorry. He gets a little cranky when he’s hungry. Let’s go, Dad. 

DAVID. Amen. Right Jasim?

(Jasim rolls his eyes.)

(Maggie and David exit.)

JASIM. What the hell, Alex?

ALEX. What?

JASIM. I know he’s sick, but your dad is being an asshole. 

ALEX. He’s a little angry, and understandably so. 

JASIM. So he gets to come over whenever he wants and drop some casual racism and homophobia. 

ALEX. Come on. It’s folksy. 

JASIM. He’s not some hillbilly in a movie from the 50’s. He’s your dad. Why can’t you call him out when he says shit like that?

ALEX. Hey, he’s a lot better than he used to be. 

JASIM. And how would you know that? You came out to him in a text message while you were on tour. 

ALEX. You have no idea how many hateful emojis he texted me after that. I’m talking frowny face, devil mask, poop… The whole gamut.  

JASIM. Will you be serious? 

ALEX. Why should I be? I can talk about that period in my life any damn well please. Besides, it’s not like you’ve had such a traumatic, gay experience. Your parents were dead when you came out. 

JASIM. You’re not steering this conversation in a good direction. Face it. You were too scared to tell your father to his face back then, and you’re too scared to tell him off now. 

ALEX. Yeah, I am scared. When I told him that I was gay, he didn’t talk to me for two years. Two years. One night, he caught me in a show in Atlanta. He had no idea I was going to be there. It just happened. After the show, he cornered me in the green room. I swear to god, I’ve never seen anger like that. Two years later, and everything he ever wanted to say to me just came hurling out of him. You see, no one ever got that side of him on TV. They didn’t see the drinking or the hatred or the abuse… So when he’s able to be in the same room as us and make a couple of stupid jokes – I call that progress. 

JASIM. I don’t see why you can’t be on my side in this?

ALEX. I’m sorry, babe... He treats me like a son again. 

JASIM. And I’ve always treated you like my husband. 

(Alex remains quiet, unsure of what to say. Jasim storms out.)
    
(Lights out.)

(The lights come up on the comedy club. David, Maggie, and Alex are doing maintenance work.)

(There is quiet for a beat or two. David starts whistling the tune of “Everyone Says I Love You” to break the silence.)

MAGGIE. What is that, Dad?

DAVID. Just an old Marx Brothers song. You two do know who the Marx Brother’s are, right?

ALEX. Of course. Karl Marx. Lenin. 

DAVID. Those were Marxists and they weren’t brothers. 

ALEX. I know, Dad. I’m just messing around. Personally, I’m more of a Buster Keaton fan. 

DAVID. As long as it’s not Keystone Kops. If you liked them then I would be well within my legal rights to hit you. 

ALEX. That’s child abuse. 

DAVID. Not when your child is thirty. 

MAGGIE. As much as I love this conversation, we really have to step up our game if we’re going to be ready for tonight. 

DAVID. How does this place get so dirty when there’s hardly any business?

ALEX. It’s probably haunted. By the ghost of your comedy style. 

DAVID. Haha. Very funny. I’m not getting into this with you again. 

ALEX. Yeah. I shouldn’t have brought it up. Me being right never solves anything anyway. 

DAVID. Is there a reason why you’re working us so hard, Maggie?

MAGGIE. We… Sort of have a high profile comedian coming in to set up a gig for next week. 

DAVID. Well if they’re coming in personally, how high profile could they be?

MAGGIE. She’s coming in because we know each other. She wanted to talk about the details personally, and catch up a bit. 

DAVID. Wait. Who is this comic? Do I know her?

(KELLY ECHOLS enters.)

MAGGIE. A little. 

KELLY. Hi. I’m sorry for coming so early. My agent booked me a pretty important interview, so I figured I’d see if I could catch you here. Hello, David. Alex.

DAVID. Kelly. Hi. It’s been a while. 

KELLY. Too long. How have you been?

DAVID. Good. Oh, and congratulations on all the fame and fortune. 

KELLY. Thanks. 

DAVID. Maggie, can I talk to you for a second?

(David pulls Maggie aside as Alex and Maggie start a conversation.)

MAGGIE. Dad, I know what you’re going to say. 

DAVID. Come on. Kelly? It’s bad enough that I have to put up with your brother’s stupid jokes.

MAGGIE. It’s only for one-night. She can really bring some business back to this place. You know how crazy things will get when word gets out that Kelly Echols is playing a small club like this? Fans go insane for the opportunity to see someone like her in an intimate venue. It’s good business. Just think of it as a Dad’s Home reunion. 

DAVID. Oh, like the reunion the network tried to put together five years in a row that she always said no to? 

MAGGIE. Just – put all that shit and bad blood behind you. This will be good for the club. And it’ll be good for me. Please, just, don’t screw this up. I need her to perform here. 

(David sighs in defeat.)

KELLY. Everything okay?

DAVID. Everything’s fine. We’re just so glad that you’re willing to play the club. 

MAGGIE. Hey, Kelly. Why don’t we go over the details in my office? 

KELLY. Sure thing. It was good seeing you again, David. 

DAVID. You too. 

(Maggie and Kelly exit.) 

(David and Alex take a break from cleaning and have a beer.)

ALEX. You okay?

DAVID. I’m fine. 

ALEX. You don’t seem fine. You’ve always been a bit bitter about her success. 

DAVID. Shut up. I’m not bitter about her success. I’m bitter about the way she got it. She was such a smart kid. 

ALEX. She’s still a smart kid. Just because she plays the comedy game a little differently than you – 

DAVID. And when did it become a game? I used to make rooms full of people laugh with my style. I used to take command of a room. I had presence. Now all I have is a failing club to match my failing mind.  

ALEX. Well, that was a pretty clever thing to say, so you can’t be too crazy just yet. 

(They both smile.)

DAVID. How come we don’t hang out more often?

ALEX. We do. 

DAVID. No no no. I mean just me and you. 

ALEX. I don’t see what’s stopping us? 

DAVID. That’s true. It’s a shame we didn’t do more father-son things when you were growing up. 

ALEX. Well. I mean – you had to provide, right? Someone had to work. Put food on the table. 

DAVID. Yeah, I guess you’re right. We should go camping sometime.

ALEX. Camping? 

DAVID. Don’t act so surprised. I used to be quite the outdoorsman in my youth. 

ALEX. Okay. We can go someday. In the Spring, maybe. 

DAVID. I’ll hold you to that. 

    (Lights out.)

(Lights up on Alex and Jasim’s house. Alex, Maggie, and David are all sitting around the living room.)

ALEX. Alright, Jasim should be back any minute with the pizza. Can I get anyone a beer? Soda? Water? 

DAVID. I wouldn’t say no to a beer. So, what’s on the agenda for tonight? 

MAGGIE. Bad movies and our hilarious critiques of them. 

DAVID. Bad movies, huh? I didn’t know Bride’s Holiday was already out on video.

ALEX. What the hell is Bride’s Holiday?

MAGGIE. Kelly Echol’s new blockbuster comedy. She plays a bride who is so stressed out over her wedding that she goes on vacation to get away. Then she gets kidnapped by drug lords or falls in love with a drug lord or something – I dunno. It’s a comedy. 

ALEX. Sounds about as funny as a real kidnapping. 

MAGGIE. America seems to like it. It broke a couple box office records. 

ALEX. How come you never made more movies, Dad?

DAVID. I tried after the show. Movies didn’t provide the same stability. I had to be away from you guys for three months when I made My Best Man is an Alien.

ALEX. Man, weddings are a rich source for comedy plots. 

DAVID. Those movies write themselves. Never broke any box office records with mine though. 

ALEX. I bet you could have. The studio probably just screwed up the promotion. 

DAVID. Yeah. You’re probably right. What are we watching?

ALEX. My Best Man is an Alien II: Return to Planet Orp.

DAVID. God damnit. 

MAGGIE. Really, Alex?

DAVID. That movie sucks. And they replaced me with Dave Coulier. 

ALEX. Of course they did. He’s just a Canadian version of you with a kick ass mullet. 

DAVID. Is it too late in your life to disown you for that comment? (There is a knock at the door.) I’ll get it. 

(Jasim enters the house carrying a pizza box and a two liter of soda.)

JASIM. Thank you. My hands were a little too full to open it myself. 

DAVID. I wouldn’t expect you too. Hey, Alex. You got any cash for the pizza guy? All I have is a card. 

ALEX. Dad, that’s Jasim. 

DAVID. Who?

JASIM. I’ll just put this in the kitchen. 

(Jasim exits with the pizza box.)

ALEX. That’s Jasim. (David doesn’t recognize him.) He’s my… Friend. 

(Jasim enters.)

DAVID. I’m sorry about that, Jasim. Sit down. Any friend of Alex’s is a friend of mine. 

JASIM. Friend?

(Jasim reluctantly plays along. He sits next to David.)

DAVID. So, Jasim, huh? That’s an interesting name. What nationality are you?

JASIM. Irani. 

DAVID. Irani? Hey. What do you call a poetic device in Persia?

JASIM. I don’t know, what?

DAVID. Dramatic Irani. 

JASIM. Funny.

DAVID. I’m just busting your chops, kid. Just a little schtick. Speaking of which – Maggie. Why don’t you put a blanket on or something? You’re making our guest uncomfortable.

MAGGIE. Jesus Christ. 

(Jasim looks at Alex for help, but Alex is silent.)

JASIM. It’s okay. Can we just watch the movie?

DAVID. You’re a good sport, you know that?

JASIM. I have to be. What are we watching. 

MAGGIE. My Best Man is an Alien II. 

JASIM. That’s a thing?

DAVID. Not as good as the first film, but it tries. 

JASIM. Who is in it?

ALEX. Dave Coulier. 

JASIM. Who?

ALEX. He was on that show Full House. The funny uncle. 

JASIM. Full House. Now that was a show I watched every week. (Jasim decides to play with David’s emotions.) Mmm, John Stamos in his youth? God damn. That was a real man. You get what I’m saying, Mr. Malcolm?

DAVID. I don’t think we’re on the same page, kid. 

ALEX. Jasim. 

JASIM. No? Come on. You can’t tell me you never thought about what he might look like with his shirt off. Those rippling muscles clinging to his tight, white t-shirts. I bet if you asked nice he’d even let you call him Uncle Jessie. 

(Jasim puts his hand on David’s leg. David leaps up in anger.)

DAVID. Don’t you touch me. Alex, tell your queer friend to leave. 

JASIM. This is my house, David. 

(David looks around and seems like he doesn’t know where he is.)

ALEX. Dad, where are you?

DAVID. I’m here, I’m… I don’t know. Maggie, take me home. 

(David exits. Maggie follows.)

ALEX. Crazy movie night, huh?

JASIM. You’re not funny, Alex. 

ALEX. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. 

JASIM. Be on my side! That’s a start. Defend me like a partner should. He’s not getting any better, Alex. He’s losing himself – fast. And we’re just supposed to stand by and take his shit because he’s sick?

ALEX. I know it’s fucked up, but I can’t just abandon him when he gets like that. We’ve never been closer than we have in the past few weeks. 

JASIM. And you and I have never been farther apart… It’s easy for you to be the big shot when your rescuing me from the creepy guy in a bar or sticking up for me with the racist, fucking cops, but when it comes to standing up to your dad - you’re a real bitch. 

ALEX. Babe. 

JASIM. I need time away from this. Away from you. 

ALEX. What are you saying?

JASIM. I think we should take a break. 

ALEX. Don’t do this. 

JASIM. I’ll get a hotel for a little while. One with a spa. Get a little pampered. Get my mind off of you. 

(Alex is silent. Jasim exits.)

(Blackout.)

(The comedy club stage is dimly lit. Maggie walks up and grabs the mic.)

MAGGIE. My first dog was named Spaz. He was called that because he was a total fucking Spaz. It wasn’t like a family name, and it doesn’t mean something like “hope” in Greek or some shit. No. This dog was just a shaky little jerk. He would yip at everything. He was a Chihuahua, so he didn’t really bark. Just a lot of freaking out. I remember, my dad got me this full body mirror that I really wanted. It was great for me, but Spaz fucking hated it. It was just the right height for him to see himself in it. The only problem was – he didn’t recognize his own reflection. Spaz saw himself and thought it was another, meaner dog yapping at him. He would look in the mirror, and instantly freak out. Kind of strange for a dog to be scared of himself, but that’s what was going on. So, one day, Spaz decided that he wasn’t going to be scared anymore. He walked into my room, took one look in the mirror, and ran full speed into his own reflection. He knocked the shit out of himself. It was pretty funny. He just stood there stunned, as he slowly came to the realization that he was looking at something that wasn’t going to hurt him. From that day forward he would just walk by the mirror, aware that there wasn’t an actual dog in there. But he always gave it a suspicious glance out of the corner of his eye. Anyway, the moral of the story is simple. If you’re going to get a dog, get a beagle. 

(David and Alex are at Alex’s house, getting ready to go out.)

ALEX. Do you have your gloves?

DAVID. In my pocket. 

ALEX. Is that jacket going to be warm enough?

DAVID. It’s fine. Can we go now? I’m getting pretty hungry. 

ALEX. Sure, I just feel like I’m forgetting something. (Alex looks over the living room frantically. He stops dead in his tracks when he realizes what he forgot.) Shit. I knew I had something to do! 

DAVID. What is it?

ALEX. I was supposed to call my agent about a booking. 

DAVID. Can’t you do it later? 

ALEX. Not if I want to pay my bills. Look, it’ll take five minutes. Just relax for a bit -

DAVID. (Smiling politely.) Take care of business, kiddo. I’ll be here. 

ALEX. Thanks. Five minutes!

(Alex exits in a rush.)

(David paces around the apartment for a bit before sitting down on the couch. After a beat, a strange feeling overtakes him.)

(Zack enters the house. He tries to sneak behind David.)

DAVID. Just what do you think you’re doing, young man?

ZACK. Um… (Using a funny, ghostly voice.) This is all a dream! Go back to sleep!

(Audience laughs.)

DAVID. You think you’re a real joker, huh?

ZACK. Dad, I –

DAVID. I don’t want to hear your excuses. Do you have any idea what time it is?

ZACK. Late. 

DAVID. You’re darn right it’s late. I was worried sick about you. 

ZACK. I’m sorry, dad. Please don’t be angry.

DAVID. I’m not angry at you, Zack. I’m just disappointed. (Zack sinks his head in shame.) I don’t want to have to worry about you. 

ZACK. You don’t have to –

DAVID. Yes I do. You’re my child, and I will always worry about you. 

ZACK. Okay. I get it. I won’t do it again.

DAVID. Do you promise?

ZACK. I promise. 

DAVID. Good. Now get on up to bed. (Zack starts to leave.) Hey, Zack? 

ZACK. Yeah, dad?

DAVID. What was her name?

ZACK. Jasim. 

(This strikes David to his core.)

DAVID. Jasim? That’s a funny name for a girl. 

ZACK. Jasim… Jasim is a boy. We’re in love. 

(David’s head starts spinning.)

DAVID. A boy. 

(David walks to a shelf and picks up a picture of Alex and Jasim kissing on their wedding day. He shakes.)

(Zack exits. Alex enters. He notices David shaking hard.)

ALEX. Dad?

DAVID. You’re confused. 

ALEX. Are you talking to me?

DAVID. What is this?

ALEX. It’s a picture of me and Jasim. On our wedding day. 

DAVID. Wedding?

ALEX. We’re married, dad. 

DAVID. Where was I?

ALEX. I have no idea. I wish you were there. You refused to come. 

DAVID. This isn’t you... You’re confused. 

ALEX. Dad, just take a minute. Relax. 

DAVID. (Snapping.) Don’t you tell me to relax! You drop something like this on me and you tell me to relax!? You don’t get to do that. 

ALEX. What are you talking about?

DAVID. I should have seen it. I should have seen it from a mile away. Something has always 
been off with you. 

ALEX. Dad.

DAVID. I’m not your dad, you fairy! You’re no son of mine! 

ALEX. I –

DAVID. Do you have any idea how this makes me feel? Do you have any idea what your mom will say about this? This will crush her. 

ALEX. Don’t bring her into this. 

DAVID. Why not, kiddo? You afraid she wouldn’t want a faggot for a son!?

ALEX. Your wife is dead you fucking lunati –

(David slaps Alex. Alex is speechless. David takes a step back, realizing what he’s done.)

DAVID. Turn off the cameras. I’m so sorry, Zack. I don’t know what… Turn off the cameras. 
(David crumbles into himself on the couch. He places the picture down. He rocks back and forth with his hands on his head. He whispers to himself.) I am David Malcolm. I am David Malcolm. I am in control. I am with my son. He’s my son. I am in control. I am David Malcolm. 

(As David mutters to himself, Alex is still in shock. He takes a moment to gather himself. He looks at David on the couch. Alex realizes that David is having a severe memory lapse. Alex walks over to an acoustic guitar sitting in the corner of the room. He starts playing Groucho Marx’s version of “Everyone Says I Love You”. Alex slowly walks over to the couch as David realizes where he is.)

ALEX. 
    EVERYONE SAYS I LOVE YOU
    BUT JUST WHAT THEY SAY IT FOR I NEVER KNEW
    IT’S JUST INVITING TROUBLE FOR THE POOR SUCKER WHO
    SAYS I LOVE YOU

    TAKE A PAIR OF RABBITS WHO
    GET STUCK ON EACH OTHER AND BEGIN TO WOO
    AND PRETTY SOON YOU’LL FIND A MILLION MORE RABBITS WHO
    SAY I LOVE YOU

    WHEN THE LION GETS FEELING FRISKY 
    AND BEGINS TO ROAR
    THERE’S ANOTHER LION WHO KNOWS JUST WHAT
    HE’S ROARING FOR

    EVERYTHING THAT EVER GREW
    THE GOOSE AND THE GANDER AND THE GOSLING TOO
    THE DUCK UPON THE WATER WHEN HE FEELS THAT WAY TOO
    SAYS

DAVID. 
    QUACK QUACK QUACK
 
(David and Alex laugh together.)

(Beat.)

ALEX. Where are you?

DAVID. Some nameless theater in Chicago. It’s 1986. I had just finished a set that didn’t go over too well. I wanted to escape for a bit, so I went to this theater for a midnight Marx Brothers marathon. Duck Soup, A Night in Casablanca, and Horse Feathers were playing. There were only two people in the whole theater – just me and your mom. Even in the dark I could tell how beautiful she was. Hell, Thelma Todd was a looker, but she couldn’t hold a candle to your mother. (Alex walks over to the couch and sits down next to David.) When Horse Feathers started playing, and the brothers started singing that song - your mom knew every word. It was like the movie didn’t exist anymore. She was the real show… After the film, I introduced myself. Told her how much of a fan of hers I was. I sang that song to her at our wedding. Zeppo’s part. I was always more of a crooner anyway. We loved each other until the day she… Do you know what love is, Alex? 

(David pulls a blanket over himself and lays down sleepily.)

ALEX. I thought I did. Now, I’m not so sure.

DAVID. Love is… Love is like camping. 

ALEX. What do you mean?

(David doesn’t respond. He falls into a deep sleep.)

(The lights fade out.)

ACT III

(David, Zack, and Karina walk into the house. David and Zack are wearing black suits while Karina is wearing a black dress. They all look exhausted and collapse on the couch together. Karina puts her head on David’s shoulder.)

KARINA. I’ve never been more tired in my life. 

DAVID. What about when we went camping in the Grand Canyon? 

KARINA. Oh yeah! That was a heck of a hike! 

DAVID. The funny part was, the hike back up seemed easier. 

KARINA. Stop talking. All of these memories are making me tired!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS SOFTLY.)

DAVID. Why don’t you go to bed, Hon? 

KARINA. Good idea. I love you, Pop. (Karina kisses David on the cheek). Sorry about your dad.  

(Karina exits.)

(David and Zack sit in silence for a beat. David gets up and walks offstage. He returns with two beers. He places one of the beers in front of Zack.)

ZACK. What’s this?

DAVID. This is a moment I want to share with you. A moment I never got to have with my dad. I think you’re about old enough to have a beer with your old man. 

ZACK. Are… Are you serious?

DAVID. I’m serious. I always wanted to share a beer with my dad. It’s this strange desire all men have at some point in their lives. Like a rite of passage or something. Are you ready?

ZACK. If you think I am. 

DAVID. Go for it, kiddo. 

(Zack takes a sip of the beer. His face sours instantly.)

ZACK. Oh gosh! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS.) Why do you drink this stuff?

(David laughs.)

DAVID. It’s just what men do. 

(Zack puts his beer down on the table and they both laugh.)

ZACK. That was gross. 

DAVID. You’ll get a taste for it. 

ZACK. So you never got to have a beer with Grandpa?

DAVID. Don’t call him Grandpa. 

ZACK. Sorry. 

DAVID. No, I never got to have a beer with him. He was a busy guy. Worked in a factory. I hardly ever saw him, to be honest. He was a bit of a ghost. Literally, now… I’m sorry, that’s not funny. 

(David takes a long sip from his beer.)

ZACK. Are you okay?

DAVID. I’m a good dad, right Zack? 

ZACK. You’re the best dad I’ve ever had. 

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS QUIETLY.)

DAVID. I mean, I treat you right. Treat you fair. 

ZACK. You do. What’s this all about?

DAVID. I don’t… I don’t want to end up like my dad. He wasn’t the best man in the world. He wasn’t the best father. 

ZACK. No camping trips in the Grand Canyon?

DAVID. (Laughs) No. No trips. (David finishes his beer.) We rarely did much of anything together. He tried a little after my mom died. I was a little younger than you are when she passed. I was devastated, and my dad could see it. One day, he took me to a Yankees game. Sat right behind first base. I loved baseball, but I loved being with my dad more. In the eighth inning, Mickey Mantle got up to bat. He swung at the ball and it popped up – foul, right into my glove. It was the happiest moment of my life. I looked up at my dad and he was smiling. You’d think for a second that he was proud of me. (David smiles briefly, but quickly loses it.) So the next day, I go to the park to show my friends. Everyone is really impressed, but this big kid, Daryl, he’s jealous. He punches me in the stomach and takes my ball. Well, I had never been in a fight before so I didn’t know what to do. I ran home with my tail between my legs, crying hysterically. My dad finds me and I explain to him what happened. He doesn’t say a word. We get in the car and drive over to the park, and -

(David struggles to continue.)

ZACK. What happened?

DAVID. We get out. Dad goes over to the kids and says, “which one of you is Daryl”. Daryl steps forward, fearlessly. My dad looks him up and down and just laughs. This terrifying, drunken laughter. And I no longer feel safe. He looks at me and faster than I can even process what’s going on - he busts my lip open with the back of his hand. The kids scream and run away. My dad towers over me and grabs my shirt with one hand, makes a fist with the other and says… “No son of mine would… No son of mine would let a negro push him around.” 

ZACK. I’m sorry, dad. That’s terrible. 

DAVID. When I went home that night all I could think about was how I let my father down. (David takes Zack’s beer and takes a big sip.) I’ve tried to instill the right values in you kids. But sometimes we take things from our parents that we never wanted. It’s inescapable. I want you to have everything in this world available to you. That way, maybe you’ll inherit the positive things about me.  

(Zack gives David a long hug.)

ZACK. I’m sure I will, dad. I love you.  

DAVID. I love you too. Now go on up to bed. 

(Zack gets up and exits. David gets off the couch and starts walking around. He starts eying things around the room until he comes to a wall in the kitchen. He notices something odd about it. He places his hands on it and shakes it. David turns the wall around and unveils the comedy club. He is confused.)

(The lights change as David walks around this strange mixture of the sitcom house and comedy club. David pulls the microphone onstage and adjusts it when Karina walks confidently into the room. She is dressed is a skimpy outfit – very “Kelly Bundy”.)

(The MEN in the Audience cheer and howl.)

DAVID. Easy there, kiddo. Where do you think you’re going dressed like that?

KARINA. I’m going to the mall. 

DAVID. Funny. Seeing your outfit, I figured you were going to work the docks. (Audience laughs.) You’re not going anywhere in those clothes. 

KARINA. Who are you to tell me what to do? I’m an adult. I can wear what I want. 

DAVID. You’re right. You are an adult. But I’m still your father. I don’t want to see you head down the wrong path. 

KARINA. And you know exactly what path I should head down? Look at your life, Dad. What are you doing with it? You’re still on the same path you’ve always been on. 

DAVID. I only do the things I do so that you can have everything you want. 

KARINA. And I thank you for that. But where will I be when I have to face the world on my own? And where will you be when I’m gone? Didn’t you ever want to live for yourself – even a little bit?

DAVID. I couldn’t. I had two kids to raise. 

KARINA. And you did raise us. In this house. I tell myself that I can leave, but it feels like the world ends when I get past the front door. You’ve kept us sheltered here. Forgotten. Once mom died, I didn’t think I’d ever see the sun again. I needed you to at least attempt to fill the parts that were suddenly missing from my life. But you were closed off. (Maggie enters.) You worked, and you told us your tales, and you provided – 

MAGGIE. But I needed love. (Karina exits.) I didn’t need things. I would have gladly accepted a bit of discomfort if it meant I could get to know the real you.

DAVID. I never wanted you to see the real me. There’s darkness in me. I’m not blind, kiddo. I can see it. I could always feel it tearing me apart. Do you know how desperately I wanted to be as good a man as I played on TV? But that character didn’t have demons. He didn’t reach for a bottle to solve his problems. He knew how to love his kids. He could forget his dead wife when the cameras stopped rolling. I was jealous of him… and I tried to stay in his life as much as I could. 

MAGGIE. But I needed you – the real you. Now, I feel like all I get are the bits and pieces you randomly remember. I feel like the parts of your life I do get to know about pale in comparison to the ones you’ll never remember again. But I’ll never get to know them. You’ll die a mystery, for the most part. Never having taken many chances in life. Nothing exquisite to show for your troubles. Just an eight season caricature of a man who buried himself in his work. Move. They can see you. The audience. Dad. They can see you. 

DAVID. What? 

(David realizes he’s been having an episode and the real Maggie is speaking with him.)

MAGGIE. Move into the wing. The audience can see you. (She kisses him on the forehead.) I love you. (Maggie goes onto the stage and grabs the mic.) How are you doing comedy fans? We have a very special treat for you tonight. I have no idea how it even happened, honestly, since she’s so damn busy these days. We have Kelly Echols coming out to give you a little taste of her brand new comedy special. (Audience goes wild.) You may remember Kelly Echols from a little show called, Dad’s Home. (The Audience claps less enthusiastically.) Or her new hit movie, Bride’s Holiday. (The Audience goes wild again.) Without further ado, I give you Kelly Echols! (The Audience claps furiously.)

(KELLY walks onstage.)

KELLY. Wow. That is a damn fine reception. Thank you all so much. Wow. Okay, calm down. I haven’t even shown you my tits yet. Well, I haven’t shown all of you. Just kidding. I only show my tits to black guys. It’s not like I have a preference or anything - they’re just so demanding. I sent an email to the NAACP because I wanted to donate some money to them. They emailed me back, “send nudes”. Very inappropriate. 

(The stage lights dim down and we see David and Maggie illuminated in the wings as they watch Kelly perform. Kelly is barely audible in the background with the occasional Audience laughter interjected throughout.)

DAVID. I can’t believe you talked me into this. 

MAGGIE. Are you kidding? She’s the biggest draw the club has had in years. We had to turn dozens of people away because we’re full. This will be great for business. 

DAVID. I don’t like this. 

MAGGIE. What? Me being successful?

DAVID. I didn’t mean it like that. 

MAGGIE. I know. Please, just wait until the set is over. We can get some drinks afterwords and catch up. I’m sure she’s still the same person you knew.

(The lights dim up on the stage and Kelly continues her set.)

KELLY. So the officer gives me my keys back, but keeps the panties. So, yeah. That’s how you get out of a speeding ticket in India. (The Audience laughs and claps ferociously.) Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve been back in New York. I have lived in California all my life, but New York City will always have a special place in my mind. It’s the place where I keep all of my repressed memories. It’s like “getting touched by Uncle Jeff” and “riding the subway during rush hour”. They’re nestled together in my brain. Getting all cozy. (David is getting visibly upset and anxious by Kelly’s set.) But seriously, I do enjoy New York. Especially since I get to see old friends. Let’s hear it for that fantastic intro by Maggie Malcolm! (The Audience claps.) And thank you, Maggie, for bringing up Dad’s Home. My fucking agent was supposed to tell you not to do that, but whatever. I should have seen the red flags when I found out he wasn’t Jewish… Wow… Dad’s Home… Talk about repressed memories. I was so happy when the network pulled us off of TGIF and put us onto TGIFC – “Thank God It’s Fucking Cancelled”. No, but I’m grateful for the experience. Now I know like, a million dad jokes. Just in case I ever want to help someone commit suicide. Oh, you want to kill yourself, but you’re still clinging onto some hope for humanity? I can fix that. “Why don’t horses live in the suburbs? Because they’re not good nay-bors!”. Fantastic, right? “What’s the nicest type of bomb? A truth bomb?”. Who wrote that piece of shit? 

(David storms onto the stage.)

DAVID. I wrote that piece of shit. 

KELLY. Oh. Hi, David. David Malcolm, everybody!

(There is minor clapping throughout the Audience.)

DAVID. You think our show was a joke?

KELLY. No. Not at all. You see, for something to be a joke it has to be funny. 

DAVID. What the hell is your problem? That show was good to you for eight years. You think you would be where you are right now without it?

KELLY. In a dank comedy club that looks like it’s never seen better days? No, David. I wouldn’t be here. I’m only doing this as a favor to Maggie. 

DAVID. You ungrateful, little shit. You think you’re so goddamned funny. 

KELLY. Well, these fine people seem to agree. 

(The Audience claps.)

DAVID. You’re nothing. You have no substance. (The Audience starts to boo.) You’re a fad, Karina - Kelly. (To Audience.) Stop. Shut up! (David’s head starts spinning under the assault of heckling.) None of you know what comedy is. Shut up! 

KELLY. David?

(Kelly becomes concerned as she realizes something is wrong with David. She puts her hand on his face and looks into his eyes. She feels him not being able to recognize her.)

(Maggie rushes onto the stage and escorts David off.)

MAGGIE. Come on, Dad. It’s okay. 

(The heckling continues as Maggie and David exit. Kelly stands dumbstruck onstage.)

(Fade out.)

    (When the lights come up we see only the brick wall and mic are lit.)

    (David enters. He takes the stage.)

DAVID. One time, I got caught in a terrible rainstorm during monsoon season while living down in Florida. I didn’t have a car at the time, so I had to walk to work. Three miles I battled this massive downpour. By the time I got to my job, I was beyond soaked. It took hours for my clothes to dry. For the rest of the month I carried an umbrella every time I walked to work. This was back in the 80’s too, when you couldn’t get an umbrella that fit in your pocket and transformed into a freaking wigwam and rain poncho at the push of a button. No, this umbrella I had was one of those big, pointy umbrellas that might as well have been a walking stick. It was cumbersome lugging this thing around everywhere I went. What was worse was that some days it didn’t rain at all. But, it was always overcast, so you never knew when the sky would open up and try to drown you. So, I carried this pain in the ass umbrella. And, sure, at times it would rain, and I would have my umbrella to keep me dry. I’d still get a little wet, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it. The umbrella always kept me grounded though, at least a little. But, the sporadic rainfall drove me crazy. Eventually, I quit my job. To this day I couldn’t tell you if I quit because the umbrella was a burden on me, or if I was being a burden on the umbrella. 

    (Blackout.)

(Lights up on the comedy club. Alex is helping Maggie clean up.)

MAGGIE. Slow night. 

ALEX. Is this you trying to make me feel bad for not doing a set?

MAGGIE. I’m just saying. Slow night. It’s been this way since the Kelly Echols thing. Help me sweep?

(Alex picks up a broom and starts sweeping as Maggie clears off a table.)

ALEX. How much do I get paid for sweeping?

MAGGIE. Please. You should pay me. I wonder how many customers left when they found out you weren’t doing a set. Again. We need good comics to bring in the regulars.

ALEX. I knew it. I knew you were pissed off about that. 

MAGGIE. I’m not pissed off. I’m just curious. 

ALEX. Curious?

MAGGIE. As to why you can’t turn your depression into something positive. You know how many people are only funny because they’re suicidal? Like 90% of stand ups. 

ALEX. I’m sorry I’m not a stereotype, but I have to be somewhat happy in order to get onstage. I can’t help it. 

MAGGIE. Come on. You can channel that pain into art. Isn’t that all art is? Your husband leaves you, so you cut off your ear and make a masterpiece. 

ALEX. He didn’t leave me. We’re just spending some time apart. 

MAGGIE. Do you honestly believe that?

(Alex sinks into himself, thinking.)

ALEX. I don’t know, honestly. It’s hard to think about. There’s one part of my brain that can imagine a life without him. There’s another part that would miss not waking up with him every morning. You know he reads the paper? Who is thirty-years-old and reads the newspaper? I was embarrassed about it for the longest time. Like we made some poor kid get up at five in the morning to deliver one paper to one neighborhood on a ten-speed bike. The concept was ridiculous to me. (Maggie slips away, then comes back shortly with two beers. She hands one to Alex.) Do you know anyone who reads the paper? 

MAGGIE. No. Not even dad. He has an iPad. 

(They both laugh.)

ALEX. I wake up now and go downstairs. Make breakfast… And I miss the sound of Jasim turning those big, clumsy pages. It’s odd. It’s like half of me was annoyed by the sound, but the other half was comforted by with it. 

MAGGIE. Like cutting into construction paper?

ALEX. Yes! Just like that! It’s like a sound that you hate, but it somehow reaches inside your mind and scratches some itch you never knew was there. 

MAGGIE. I wonder what dad thinks about that?

ALEX. What do you mean?

MAGGIE. I mean sounds. Do they trigger anything? 

ALEX. Maybe if they’re meaningful. A couple months ago, I played him an old Marx Brother’s song. He was having an episode and I thought it would bring him back. 

MAGGIE. Did it?

ALEX. Kind of. It was like mental time travel. He could remember the first time he met mom. He described it to me – vividly. It was almost like he could feel the same things he felt that night. What he saw. What he heard. What he smelled... I don’t think I’ve ever had a memory like that. 

MAGGIE. I have. A couple years ago. I was driving back from teaching some improv classes in Chicago. I had the strongest urge to stop on the side of the road in some no name town a thousand miles from home. There was a stereotypical, white picket fence along some family’s land. I was just driving home and I saw this splash of pink, so I stopped. I hopped the fence and walked a bit. I ended up in this huge grove of cherry blossoms. Immediately, I fell to my knees and just… started crying. I got the strongest feeling that I was a kid again. Mom and I were at the botanical gardens. The Japanese garden. There were cherry blossoms everywhere. The wind was picking up and they were falling all over the ground. I was tired so mom carried me on her back. I was so small; she seemed like a giant. And I just remember being carried over this ocean of cherry blossoms, and mom’s perfume deep in my lungs. When I was in that field, I swear to God I smelled mom’s perfume again. You’ve never had an experience like that?

ALEX. Never. 

MAGGIE. I can see that. You’ve never been one to stop and smell the cherry blossoms. 

ALEX. I only have one speed. 

MAGGIE. No wonder your husband left you.   

ALEX. Bitch. (Maggie and Alex laugh playfully.) How’s dad?

MAGGIE. He does not like the nurse. 

ALEX. Not surprised. Play him some music sometime. Old stuff. Vaudevillian if you can find it. 

MAGGIE. I might just try that. 

(Alex tosses his beer in a trash can. He hugs Maggie and begins to leave. As he is leaving, he notices a flyer on the wall. He reads it.)

ALEX. You’re teaching improv again? Getting back on the horse, huh?

MAGGIE. Well, improv doesn’t typically use props, so it’s an imaginary horse. (Smiles.) You have to endow your props and locations.

ALEX. Maybe I’ll drop by and take a class then. Being well endowed has always come natural to me. 

MAGGIE. Oh my god. 

ALEX. I’m just sayin’. 

MAGGIE. Get out! Out of my club. 

ALEX. Love ya!

(Alex smiles and exits.)

MAGGIE. Asshole.

(Maggie laughs to herself as she takes a sip of her beer.)

(Fade out.)

(The lights come up on Alex and Jasim’s house. Jasim is sitting on the couch as Alex enters the house.)

JASIM. I didn’t think you’d be out so late. 

ALEX. Yeah, well, something happened at the club last week. My dad had an incident and I’ve been helping Maggie out… Are you back? 

JASIM. I think so… I was starting to get tired of the hotel. It smelled too artificial. 

ALEX. I know how much you hate that. (Silence.) Can I get you a drink?

JASIM. Sure. 

ALEX. Scotch?

(Jasim laughs to himself.)

JASIM. How about something we can drink together?

ALEX. Wine?

JASIM. That seems appropriate. 

(Alex exits.)

ALEX. (Calling from offstage.) What kind would you like? We have red and… Uh, white. 

JASIM. Red, please. 

ALEX. (Offstage.) Got it. (Jasim walks over to a shelf and notices his and Alex’s wedding photo has been turned to face down.) Now, we don’t own any wine glasses so I had to put it in mason jars. But if anyone asks just tell them it’s a gay hipster thing. 

JASIM. You turned our wedding photo down?

ALEX. I didn’t. (Alex hands Jasim a jar.) My dad did. 

JASIM. What? He figured after I left he could try to convince you the last few years never happened? 

ALEX. It wasn’t like that. 

JASIM. Bullshit. I’m sure he was more than happy to get the gay “towel head” out of your life -

ALEX. Babe. He forgot. 

JASIM. Forgot what?

ALEX. Forgot about you. About us. He forgot that I ever came out. We were about to go get dinner when his mind slipped. All of a sudden it was like I was a scared kid again, coming out to my father. Only this time I wasn’t a thousand miles away. And all the hatred and resentment he felt in that moment… It got an outlet this time. I was there. 

JASIM. Oh my god. I’m sorry, Alex. What did you do?

ALEX. I did what I should have done years ago. I stood up to him. I reacted. 

JASIM. Alex – 

ALEX. Jasim, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for using you. For pretending like I was on your side then ignoring you when it really mattered. For acting like the way people treated you was a joke. I’m sorry, babe. I love you, and if you take me back I promise I will always be on your side. 

(Jasim is silent. He waits a beat, then hugs Alex harder than they’ve ever hugged before.) 

JASIM. I know you will. 

(They cherish the moment and struggle to end it. The pull apart, but stay close. Jasim looks into Alex’s eyes, and they finally separate.)

DAVID. Wine?

(Alex and Jasim sit down. They drink their wine. Alex starts swirling it around in his glass.)

JASIM. What vineyard is this from?

(Alex dons a snooty accent.)

ALEX. I believe it is from the prestigious vineyards of the Barefoot family. 

JASIM. Is that the wine company or are they just known to not wear shoes?

ALEX. Both. They were given the name Barefoot at Ellis island for their distaste for shoes. 

JASIM. Yes, certainly. You can taste it in the grapes. What year?

ALEX. 2016. 

JASIM. A fine year for wine. 

ALEX. Fine year, indeed. 

(They both laugh.)

JASIM. You’re in idiot. 

ALEX. You don’t believe I could be a professional sommelier? 

JASIM. Maybe you should just stick to comedy.

ALEX. If I had a nickel for every time someone has told me that... 

JASIM. You’d have one nickel?

ALEX. Really? And people think you’re the one who puts up with me?

JASIM. And they also think you’re the funny one in this relationship. People are just misinformed, I guess. 

(Alex and Jasim playfully fight before kissing. They lace their hands together and collapse back in their seats.)

ALEX. Are you sure you want to come back?

JASIM. Do you want me back?

ALEX. More than anything. 

JASIM. Then I’m back. (Jasim smiles and takes a sip of his wine. He swishes it around in his mouth.) Do I detect notes of tangerine?

ALEX. (Snooty accent) Ah, good instincts. The tangerine is sourced from only the finest tangerine trees in Brooklyn. 

JASIM. And I noticed, maybe, a wet dog after taste? 

ALEX. Oh shit, I think I gave you my Pomeranian’s bath water. Give it here.  

(Alex attempts to take Jasim’s wine, who refuses to relinquish the wine as they both laugh.)

(Lights out.)

    (Lights up on the house. David is sitting on the couch and Maggie is going through a suitcase.)

MAGGIE. Do you have your toothbrush? I can’t find your toothbrush. 

DAVID. It’s in there. Don’t worry. 

MAGGIE. Where’s the hand sanitizer? Maria didn’t put hand sanitizer in your bag?

DAVID. I didn’t know that was her job. 

MAGGIE. Her job is to help you. 

DAVID. Pack a bag? Give me a break. 

MAGGIE. You need hand sanitizer.

DAVID. Honey, there are a lot scarier things in the woods than germs. Rattle snakes. Poison ivy. Bears. Will hand sanitizer protect me against bears?

MAGGIE. Well, how about this? I get you some hand sanitizer, and if a bear tries to maul you, we’ll see if it protects you. 

DAVID. Can’t argue with that logic. 

(Alex and Jasim enter. Alex is carrying a suitcase.)

JASIM. Did you pack your toothbrush?

DAVID. Oh, wow! I just heard this song! 

JASIM. What?

DAVID. Just playing. You ready to go, Alex?

ALEX. Yeah. 

JASIM. Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you? I can camp. 

DAVID. No one ever accused you of not being campy, Jasim. 

JASIM. Hilarious. 

DAVID. I think I just some one-on-one time with my son. 

MAGGIE. And thanks again for remembering how much I loathe camping and not inviting me. 

DAVID. Any time. 

MAGGIE. Do you two have any hand sanitizer?

ALEX. Uh…

JASIM. Upstairs bathroom. Under the sink. 

ALEX. Yes, in the upstairs bathroom. Under the sink. (Jasim and Maggie stare at Alex. He gets the message.) Okay, I’ll get it. 

(Alex exits.)

JASIM. So, David… Are you feeling okay now that your fans know about you?

DAVID. Oh yeah. I was a bit foolish to keep it a secret for so long. The fans have been great. Sending me get well cards and gifts and what-not. Even Kelly sent me a gift basket and apology. Telling the world about my disease was a lot better than having the press think I’m just a mean, old man who verbally assaulted a movie star. Speaking of which – if you need me to assault anyone, just let me know. I’ll beat ‘em up, then blame it on the disease. 

(Jasim laughs.)

JASIM. I’ll keep that in mind. 

MAGGIE. Dad. 

DAVID. (Like a 1930’s gangster.) You didn’t hear nothin’, see?

(Maggie laughs a little like a child.)

MAGGIE. It’s kind of strange to see you so playful. 

DAVID. Should I not be?

MAGGIE. No, go ahead. It’s kind of nice.

DAVID. Well, I figure these days I should take advantage of the moments that put me in a good mood. 

MAGGIE. And what put you in a good mood today? 

(David reaches for the right words.)

DAVID. Finally figuring things out. 

(David kisses Maggie on the forehead and gives her a long hug.)

DAVID. I love you, kiddo. 

MAGGIE. I love you too, dad. 

(Alex enters again, carrying the hand sanitizer. He packs it in his bag.)

ALEX. Ready?

DAVID. When you are. 

ALEX. Let’s go. (Alex hugs Jasim.) No wild parties, young man. 

DAVID. You’d be getting glitter and baby oil out of the carpet for weeks. 

JASIM. There it is. 

ALEX. Dad. 

(David scans Alex and realizes he has said something inappropriate.)

DAVID. Oh. (He turns to Jasim.) Sorry, Jasim. Sometimes I just talk before I think. It’s just my nature. Alex sat me down the other day and explained that I could be a little insensitive sometimes. I thought I’d try and work on that part of me. 

JASIM. Thank you, David. 

(Jasim extends his hand out for a handshake.)

DAVID. Just what in the hell do you expect me to do with that?

(David comes up and gives him a big hug.)

JASIM. This is new. 

DAVID. I just wanted to say that… I don’t deserve a son-in-law as wonderful as you. Thank you for making Alex happier than I’ve ever seen him. 

JASIM. I can’t help it. It’s just my nature. 

(David pats him on the shoulder and grabs his bag.)

ALEX. Bye, sis. (They hug.) 

(David and Maggie hug.)

MAGGIE. Bye. Be careful. 

DAVID. What the hell do you think the hand sanitizer is for?

(David and Alex exit.)

(The lights come up to reveal a campground. It is sunset. There is a tent pitched. At the center of the stage is a fire pit. David sits on a log in front of the pit. Alex enters carrying firewood. He adds it to the pile and sits.)

ALEX. You want to go fishing in the morning?

DAVID. Fishing would be nice… I like the quiet out here. 

ALEX. Beats the hustle and bustle of the burbs. 

DAVID. Is that sarcasm I detect?

ALEX. A little... I miss living in the city. 

DAVID. Ah, New York City. The City That Never Sleeps. The Big Apple. I bet they named it that before selective breeding started making big apples available to everyone. I saw a documentary about genetic food modification the other day. They said apples used to be half the size they are today. Back then, when you saw a big apple it meant something. Now it’s like, man, this Walmart has very average sized apples. I bet if you time traveled back to Colonial times and brought a bunch of modern day apples with you, the people would think you’re a god. 

ALEX. Perfecting a new act?

DAVID. No. Just musing about time travel. 

ALEX. But in your mind the fact that you have big apples is what makes the people see you as a god. Not the fact that you’ve just traveled back in time?

DAVID. …Yes…

ALEX. You’re full of shit. 

DAVID. No, the colonists find time travel very easy to understand. 

ALEX. But the apples just blow their mind. 

DAVID. Who are we to judge what other people find fascinating?

(Beat.)

ALEX. You’re having a good day. 

DAVID. Well, don’t jinx it. 

ALEX. Sorry. 

(Alex knocks on the pile of firewood.)

DAVID. Why do you miss living in the city?

ALEX. I don’t know. I guess… I felt more free there. 

DAVID. Jasim wouldn’t want to move back?

ALEX. Please. He likes the space of the burbs. 

DAVID. And you don’t?

ALEX. Too confining. There’s something suffocating about having so much air around you. 

DAVID. And you prefer wading through countless mobs of strangers just to go a few blocks?

ALEX. Yeah. I really do. It’s comforting. 

DAVID. I never thought so. I could never stand living in the city. That’s half the reason I did the show for so long – I loved being out in California. 

ALEX. Really? Even with the traffic? 

DAVID. Well, fuck the traffic. But you take the good with the bad. I could stand the traffic if it meant I could take you and Maggie for a walk in the hills every now and then. 

ALEX. Then why did we move back to New York after the show ended?

DAVID. Your mother loved the city. We went back for her. And when she died there, I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I wanted to be close to her. 

ALEX. It’s nice out here. 

DAVID. It is. 

ALEX. I’m trying this new thing where I look for meaning in the world. 

DAVID. I’ve got bad news. That’s actually a pretty old concept. 

ALEX. Not for me. I’m trying to see the world through a new perspective. Instead of drifting aimlessly through it. I’m trying to… stop and smell the cherry blossoms. 

DAVID. That’s not a real saying, but I like it. 

ALEX. Thanks. It’s Maggie’s. 

DAVID. She’s always been a damn good writer. 

ALEX. I just want to make memories like you and Maggie. I want the sounds and sights of things to imprint on my mind. I want to smell something and be taken back to a time when that smell meant something to me. (David looks concerned.) I want to know what it’s like to care about a time and a place. Who knows? Maybe today can be my first real memory? 

DAVID. That’s… That’s – this is just a camping trip, Alex. Save your memories for your husband. For your friends and family. 

ALEX. You are my family. 

(Zack and Karina enter. They sit next to David.)

DAVID. I just. I don’t want you to remember me this way. In this despicable condition. 

ALEX. I don’t think it’s a despicable condition. I think there's still a lot of you in there. 

DAVID. But I’m – I’m weak. Don’t remember me like this. Promise me, Al –... Don’t. 

ALEX. Dad. 

ZACK. Dad. 

KARINA. Dad. 

DAVID. What?

ALEX. Are you okay?

ZACK. You okay?

DAVID. Yes, Zack – Alex. I’m okay. I’m okay. 

ALEX. Dad. Where are you?

DAVID. I’m here. I’m. I’m. 

ALEX. Just breathe. Listen to my voice. Find yourself again. (Zack and Karina exit.)

    EVERYONE SAYS I LOVE YOU
    BUT JUST WHAT THEY SAY IT FOR I NEVER KNEW

ALEX AND DAVID.
    IT’S JUST INVITING TROUBLE FOR THE POOR SUCKER WHO
    SAYS I LOVE YOU

(David smiles.)

ALEX. Where are you?

DAVID. With my son. Exactly where I want to be. 

ALEX. (Smiles.) We need some more firewood. I’ll stay where you can see me. 

(Alex exits to go look for firewood. David sits on the log, looking into the fire pit as the lights fade out.)

(Alex wakes up the next morning to an empty tent. David is missing. Alex gets out and looks around the camp.)

ALEX. Dad? Dad!? Oh shit. Oh shit. Shit shit shit. 

(Alex runs around, but can’t seem to find David. He searches the camp before coming across a letter held under a rock by the camp fire. He picks up the letter.)

DAVID. (Reading) Alex. By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. You won’t be able to find me. I picked this spot because I could walk in any direction and become lost in the world. Even if I could – I’d never know how to get back to you. So don’t try to get back to me. I have been planning this for quite some time and, admittedly, I used you to get here. Don’t feel bad for not seeing it coming. I’m a bit of an evil genius when I want to be… I know that your life the past few months has been centered around protecting me. You’ve been immensely patient and kind and understanding, but now it’s time for you and I to rest. I was able to buy a gun online from a scary gentleman with a confederate flag in his profile picture. Shipped it to the P.O. Box I get my fan mail in… I can’t live like this anymore, Alex. I can’t live with the constant fear of getting caught in the rain. All of my life I’ve needed to have control over things. For the first time in a long time I feel like I do. Don’t come looking for my body. You can tell the cops, but please, Alex, don’t find me yourself. I’m sorry that I used you to get here. I did it because I think you’re the only one close to me that could potentially understand. Please see that I can’t die in a bed, not being able to recognize your face. I can’t. There’s a note for your sister in my bag. Stay close to her. I asked you once if you knew what love was. I said it was like camping. It’s like camping because it’s “in tents”. But you knew that already. Bye, son. 

ALEX. Dad. 

DAVID. I love you. 

ALEX. Dad? Dad!? Where are you!? Dad, where are you!? Dad!...

(There is a distant sound of a gunshot. Alex crumbles in disbelief. He stares into the distance, unable to process what has happened.)

(The lights fade slowly.)