Thank you for taking the time to read this play. Feel free to produce any of my plays for free. All I ask is for credit and a couple of free tickets to your show. Change what you want, strike all of the stage directions if you would like, I don’t care. All I want is for you to make this play your own. Also, if there are copywritten things like song lyrics, please either secure the necessary rights to say them or change the lines to something royalty-free. Have fun!
About this play: The Liabilities follows William, a frat boy who dies and ends up in a heavenly waiting room. As he waits for the admin to decide whether his soul goes to heaven, he teams up with long-time bureaucrat, Destiny, to save heaven.
THE LIABILITIES
(The lights come up to reveal William standing on a chair looking as if he’s going to jump from a great height. Charlie and Destiny watch.)
WILLIAM. Wooo! Bungie!
(William looks at his surroundings and is overcome with confusion.)
WILLIAM. What the… Where am I? What’s going on?
DESTINY. William Hamilton?
WILLIAM. How do you know my name? Who are you!?
DESTINY. My name is Destiny. I’m a case worker assigned to determine whether or not certain souls get into the afterlife. You have been red-flagged as a potential liability.
CHARLIE. Ahem.
DESTINY. And that’s Charlie Chaplin, supposedly. He’s a potential liability as well.
(Charlie shakes William’s hand giddily.)
CHARLIE. Pleasure to meet you, sir.
WILLIAM. So, what? This is heaven?
DESTINY. Yeah, William, sure. This dark and depressing waiting room with the broken air conditioning is heaven. People just really oversold it in all those religious texts.
CHARLIE. Don’t mind her. She’s a bit sarcastic, but quite the sweetheart once you get to know her. We’re actually in a heavenly waiting room where we have to stay until Destiny can determine if our liability risk outweighs our potential worth to the afterlife. Truthfully, it’s an insurance thing. Heaven has been around for a long time, and eons ago they learned they needed to cover their asses from after-life lawsuits. It shouldn’t be too much longer for your case to be resolved, but I’m sure we can have a good time while you’re here. I must say, you’re doing marvelously for somebody that just found out they’re dead.
WILLIAM. I’M DEAD!?
DESTINY. Yeah... How the hell do you think you ended up in heaven?
WILLIAM. I don’t – I just… I didn’t think I would die so soon, you know?
CHARLIE. I’m sorry. It’s never easy to find out that you’re dead.
WILLIAM. How did it happen?
(Destiny pulls out a file from her desk and reads it.)
DESTINY. According to your file you were at a party at the frat house where you lived. After quite a few beers and some kind of cocktail called a, Jagerball, you decided it would be a good idea to practice your bungie jumping technique. You tied a bed sheet to your leg, tied the other end to a desk, and proceeded to leap out of the third-story window yelling, “Wooo! Bungie!”
(Charlie laughs uncontrollably.)
WILLIAM. What the hell are you laughing at?
CHARLIE. I’m sorry. I’m just a big fan of physical comedy.
WILLIAM. (To Destiny) At least I went out like a legend.
DESTINY. Yeah, you really left your mark on the world. Until the next morning when your frat bros made the pledges clean it up.
CHARLIE. Ew, Destiny. (To William) On top of the sarcasm, she can often have a rather morbid sense of humor.
DESTINY. Just keeping things light.
WILLIAM. Wait a minute. The next morning? Didn’t I just die minutes ago? How is it morning already?
DESTINY. Heaven exists in another dimensional plane than the reality you just came from. We are outside of what humans perceive as linear time. From the heavenly point of view, the entire history of the universe can be seen at once. If you want to peek into the future of mankind, or check out some dinosaurs or some shit, go for it.
WILLIAM. Wow… So I could watch all of the Fast and Furious movies that will ever be made?
DESTINY. Yeah, sure. That’s what you should take away from that mind blowing revelation. When I told Carl Sagan this he almost crapped his pants, but please, watch your movies.
WILLIAM. Sweet. Wait, if we’re outside of linear time then shouldn’t everybody that has ever died or ever will die already be here?
DESTINY. No, it doesn’t work like that. Earth time is still a thing, so they can’t be in our dimension until they die on Earth. Sure, we can look into the past and future, but those are basically just movies. It’s all very boring, and honestly Einstein does a much better job of explaining this stuff if you’d like to ask him. Unfortunately, we still have to abide by that damn human idea of what time is, at least on this level of heaven. Now, if you’d like to sit back and hang out, I’ll let you know when there is a development with your case.
(Destiny sits back down and starts filling out paperwork.)
WILLIAM. So, Charlie… What did you do back on Earth?
CHARLIE. Are you serious?
WILLIAM. Uh, yeah.
CHARLIE. I was an actor. You died only a few decades after I did. They don’t remember me in your time?
WILLIAM. I don’t really watch older movies. I’m big into Youtube personalities, funny cat videos, memes – all that stuff.
CHARLIE. Ah, well, I’m glad I died before the internet. I’d hate to imagine degrading myself in order to get (Charlie shudders) “likes”.
WILLIAM. I’m sure you made a lot of people laugh back in your day.
CHARLIE. Thank you, William. That means the world to me.
(There is silence for a beat or two.)
WILLIAM. How long have you been waiting?
CHARLIE. A long, long time. Heaven is not that easy to get in to. You see, overcrowding is a major problem in the afterlife.
WILLIAM. Really? How exactly does an entire universe not have enough space?
CHARLIE. Well, God doesn’t just let humans in. He’s a softie for animals. One time he saw this documentary about orcas being mistreated at Seaworld. Now he has eight Shamus.
WILLIAM. That seems like way too many.
CHARLIE. I know, but SeaWorld just kept sending them up here.
WILLIAM. Whoa. So, wait, is my case going to take just as long to process?
CHARLIE. Oh no. Cases like yours are typically resolved in what’s equivalent to a few Earth days.
WILLIAM. Then why have you been here so long?
(Destiny shoots her hand up in a Nazi-esque salute.)
DESTINY. Mein Fuhrer!
CHARLIE. Shut up, Destiny! (Charlie sighs deeply.) Apparently, a few years before I got here they lost Hitler.
WILLIAM. They lost Hitler?
CHARLIE. Ridiculous, right?
WILLIAM. Wouldn’t Hitler just go right to hell?
DESTINY. There is no hell. If you’re an evil person or ruled a liability, your energy is just scattered into oblivion after processing.
CHARLIE. Geeze, Destiny. You’re gonna scare the kid. (To William) Anyway. They lost Hitler and never found him. So, naturally, when I get here and happen to be a white guy with a similar moustache, people started getting suspicious.
WILLIAM. So they won’t let you in until they find the real Hitler and can be 100% positive you’re not him.
CHARLIE. Exactly.
WILLIAM. Whoa. Well, good luck, man. I hope you find him soon.
CHARLIE. I have nothing but time. I also have a full bladder. Excuse me, good sir.
(Charlie exits.)
DESTINY. Can I get you water or something?
WILLIAM. No thanks.
DESTINY. There’s a vending machine in the hall.
WILLIAM. Not hungry.
(Beat.)
DESTINY. Do you consider your life a waste?
WILLIAM. What?
DESTINY. I’m not trying to be insulting, and this is entirely off-the-record. I just wanted to know.
WILLIAM. Why?
DESTINY. I -... I consider my life a waste. The way that you died seems so pointless, but in a way, maybe, it made a beautiful point in the moment.
WILLIAM. I got wasted and jumped out of a window.
DESTINY. I know, and it sounds so dumb… But maybe it wasn’t. Maybe there was this minute of absolute freedom in your mind that spoke to you, and told you for a brief moment that you were invincible. I never got a chance to feel that way.
WILLIAM. How did you die?
DESTINY. (Beat) About as dully as I lived. (Sadly) Please excuse me.
(Destiny exits. A man, CHARLIE LOOKALIKE, enters. He looks strongly like Charlie, only with new mannerisms.)
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. (Masked German accent.) Hello, my friend. I am Charlie. Have you seen my many funny films? They are good, yeah?
WILLIAM. Are you feeling okay? Your voice is a little weird. Need some water or something?
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. Nein, I mean. (He clears his throat then tries to mask his voice more strongly) No thank you.
WILLIAM. Okay.
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. So… Did you know that there is another way into heaven?
WILLIAM. Really? How?
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. When Destiny comes back, all we have to do is knock her out. She has a key that she keeps around her neck. If we can get that key, we can open the door to heaven.
WILLIAM. Are you kidding? You can’t fight Destiny. She’s nice, and cool, and I honestly thought you two were friends.
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. All lies!
WILLIAM. Why do you sound so strange?
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. I don’t sound strange. This is how I’ve always sounded. I’m surprised you never paid attention to my voice. I thought we were closer than that, Wilson.
WILLIAM. Wilson? (Catching on.) Why don’t we start over? Things are getting a little too tense here. You know what always made me feel better when I was alive? Talking about my favorite movies. Do you like movies?
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. Yah, who doesn’t like movies?
WILLIAM. I really like the films of Woody Allen.
(Charlie Lookalike starts getting uncomfortable.)
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. I’ve never cared for his work.
WILLIAM. No? What about Mel Brooks? You have to love Mel Brooks. Spaceballs – I mean, who doesn’t love that movie?
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. (Subduing his anger) Never saw it.
WILLIAM. And his Hitler jokes! Man! I swear, Mel Brooks has got to be one of the funniest men on Earth. So much funnier than David Hasselhoff.
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. (Erupting.). How dare you scorn the name of David Hasselhoff! He is the Knight Rider. He is the pure representation of the glory that all of Germany should have been. The day of the Aryan race will still be a reality. You will rue the day you cursed the name of Germany! (Saluting.) Ich bin ein Baywatcher!
WILLIAM. Ah ha! You are Hitler!
CHARLIE LOOKALIKE. Oh crap.
WILLIAM. This is for Charlie!
(William punches Hitler and knocks him out. Destiny rushes in.)
DESTINY. What the hell is going on here?
WILLIAM. This is Hitler! He was pretending to be Charlie. He was going to try and take your key and sneak into heaven.
DESTINY. And you stopped him?
WILLIAM. Of course. I couldn’t just let him hurt you and Charlie. I know we’re dead, but I still gotta believe there’s a right and wrong.
DESTINY. You did good, Will.
(Destiny grabs Hitler’s arms and starts dragging him.)
DESTINY. If you see Charlie before I do, tell him I enjoyed his company.
(Destiny exits, dragging Hitler offstage.)
(William takes a moment to calm down from the fight and relax back in his chair.)
WILLIAM. I’ve never committed genocide. I’ve never convinced millions of people to do terrible things. What did I do? Maybe drank a bit too much on occasion. Maybe I didn’t appreciate enough good things in my life I had going for me. My family. My place. My Bros – Brothers. Friendship. Love…
I took too many chances. And what? That makes me a liability? Maybe heaven needs people to jump out of windows. And if they don’t, then what? My atoms are tossed into the same black hole as a murderer? I won’t be branded a mistake because I lived my life. I won’t.
JANITOR. (Offstage) Introspection can be a hell of a thing. (The Janitor enters carrying a broom.) You can get all the answers you want, and some you don’t.
WILLIAM. Who are you?
JANITOR. Me? I’m just a lowly janitor. It’s my job to make sure the waiting rooms are nice and comfortable for you folks as you transition.
WILLIAM. Transition?
JANITOR. You know – the ruling on your case.
WILLIAM. Oh yeah.
JANITOR. Are you scared? I hope you don’t mind, but I heard you talking to yourself when I was out in the hall. You sounded scared.
WILLIAM. I don’t mind. I think sometimes people talk out loud because they want to be heard. Call it a half-prayer. Truthfully, I am a little scared.
JANITOR. Fear can often show our true natures. It’s the fight-or-flight instinct, really. You ever hear about that?
WILLIAM. Fight-or-flight?
JANITOR. Yeah. It’s a nifty bit of programming God put into our DNA. Actually, it’s present in all of God’s creatures. You see, we have this emotional response to certain threatening stimuli.
(William appears confused). Say you’re out camping in the woods somewhere and a wolf crosses your path. Now, if you’re alone your fight-or-flight instinct might kick into flight mode. Subconsciously you would assess the situation and think that your chances of surviving are higher if you were to try and escape. If you were camping with friends, however, and the wolf crossed your path and posed a threat to them, your first instinct might be to fight instead of run. It all depends on the type of person you are. So, Will, what kind of person are you now that you find yourself on the verge of oblivion? Maybe that’s what God wants to find out.
WILLIAM. Wow. You’re really smart, you know that?
JANITOR. Me? Oh no, I’ve just been around for a long, long time. Knowledge often comes with experience.
(Beat)
WILLIAM. You’re totally God, aren’t you?
JANITOR. What? No, I’m just a wise Janitor.
WILLIAM. I’ve seen a lot of movies, and you definitely seem like the inspirational character that turns out to be God.
(The Janitor starts to get nervous.)
JANITOR. You’re being ridiculous. You honestly think God has the time to come down and talk to you when he literally has an entire Universe to run? That’s just silly.
WILLIAM. I suppose you’re right.
JANITOR. Damn straight. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a few million other waiting rooms to clean.
WILLIAM. Oh hey, Not-God, one more question.
JANITOR. Shoot.
WILLIAM. I wasn’t a religious person in life, but which one was the right one?
JANITOR. The right religion? That’s cute, kid, but if you’re going to make it in heaven you’re going to have to think with a bit more of an open mind.
(The Janitor exits.)
(Charlie enters in his underwear.)
CHARLIE. I see you met the Janitor.
WILLIAM. Yeah. Interesting guy. You look like hell, by the way.
CHARLIE. Somebody snuck up behind me and knocked me out. My head is killing me.
WILLIAM. Good thing you’re already dead.
(They both laugh.)
CHARLIE. Where’s Destiny?
WILLIAM. She’s, uh, working another case. A last-minute kind of thing. (Heavenly music starts
playing.) What is that?
CHARLIE. It just means someone got their case pushed through to heaven. Lucky jerk.
(A bright, white light pours through the cracks around the closed door.)
WILLIAM. I don’t think you’re a jerk.
CHARLIE. What?
WILLIAM. Destiny’s gonna miss you. Maybe we’ll see you on the other side someday.
(Charlie’s face lights up. He gives William a big hug.)
CHARLIE. You’re a good kid. Don’t take too long.
(Charlie walks up to the door slowly. He gently turns the knob and inches the door open, embracing the consuming light. Destiny enters and watches. Charlie exits, shutting the door. The heavenly light fades down.)
DESTINY. I never like to watch. Charlie was different though. He’s been here for so long... I gave him a lot of shit for being stuck here with me. Maybe that’s because he at least had the opportunity to be processed. Truthfully, if anybody deserved to move up, it’s him.
WILLIAM. Destiny – Do you not live wherever that light goes?
(Beat.)
DESTINY. Heaven needs its bureaucrats. I just happened to be a very dutiful one in my last life. I guess somebody up here noticed… I was chosen. No resume or interview. No choice in the matter. Just a short battle with cancer and a long sentence – opportunity to work for heaven. I’m the exact opposite of a liability, Will. I lived behind red tape so they poured red concrete over my casket…
WILLIAM. That’s kind of beautiful.
DESTINY. What?
WILLIAM. The irony. I guess that’s what people call it. I took a poetry class once. It was just a blow-off class, you know? Easy credit. But I think what you just said would be irony. “I lived behind red tape so they poured red concrete over my casket”. It’s poetry.
DESTINY. It is?
WILLIAM. Yeah. I like it.
(Destiny blushes.)
DESTINY. I was never much of a writer. I used to like reading plays, though. I even met Samuel Beckett once! He’s still waiting to be processed in another room.
WILLIAM. He’s a liability?
DESTINY. No. God just likes making Beckett wait. He thinks it’s funny, but between us, I think that’s an overly simplistic interpretation of the play.
(A phone rings. Destiny reaches into her pocket and takes out her phone. She answers.)
DESTINY. Hello? Yes… Yes, I’ll pull her file right away.
(Destiny hang up.)
WILLIAM. Everything okay?
DESTINY. (Bordering sadness/stuck in her own thought) Just a new liability. They were going to put her in this room, but decided to switch her out with someone else. We should be getting the transfer spirit shortly.
WILLIAM. Okay.
(William looks at her with concern as she looks through papers on her desk).
(Sherman enters.)
SHERMAN. Excuse me?
DESTINY. Yes, Sherman, please make yourself comfortable. My name is Destiny. This is
William.
(William shakes Sherman’s hand.)
DESTINY. I will be your case worker. William is another potential liability. Please, join us.
(Destiny gestures for Sherman to sit down). Now, I trust your last case worker gave you the basic rundown of what is expected of you as a potential liability?
SHERMAN. He did. Bunch of bullshit, if you ask me.
DESTINY. You don’t believe that you’re a liability?
SHERMAN. Not a chance! I had worth in life. I had, like, a thousand fans on Facebook. I made people’s days better. How does that make me a liability?
DESTINY. Well according to your file you weren’t very handy with a chainsaw.
SHERMAN. Oh! It always comes back to that stupid chainsaw! If that kid just stayed on his mark then he’d have all of his fingers still. I don’t see how that’s my fault.
WILLIAM. I feel like I’m missing something here.
DESTINY. Sherman was a prop comic during his life. A rather “clumsy” prop comic at that.
WILLIAM. I have no idea what that is.
SHERMAN. Then you are in for a treat!
(Sherman exits into the wing. He returns immediately, pulling a suitcase behind him).
DESTINY. Oh good lord.
(Sherman opens up his trunk and starts searching for props).
SHERMAN. Prop comedy is exactly as it sounds. A comedian, like myself, uses props to help provide a depth to stand-up comedy that you just can’t get with verbal jokes alone. For example -
(Sherman pulls a bowling pin out of his bag.)
I RECENTLY JOINED A DATING SERVICE. THEY TOLD ME TO DRESS FOR THE WOMAN THAT I DESERVED AND GO FIND HER. SO I PUT THIS BOWLING PIN IN MY PANTS THINKING I’D GET A STRIKE! OH! BY THE LOOKS ON YOUR FACES I THINK I’M IN THE GUTTER INSTEAD. OKAY, MAYBE YOU’RE NOT BOWLING FANS, BUT YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.
(Sherman puts the pin down then finds a foam baseball bat in his suitcase.)
(Destiny and Sherman aren’t finding the show amusing at all.)
MY THERAPIST GAVE ME THIS BAT AND TOLD ME TO HIT ANYTHING THAT ANNOYED ME. I WENT HOME THAT NIGHT AND STARTED HITTING ALL OF THE BILLS SHE SENT.
(Sherman puts the bat back in the suitcase. Sensing that he is bombing, he goes for what he assumes is a show stopper.)
AND NOW FOR MY LAST BIT, I’M GOING TO JUGGLE THESE HAMMERS WHILE RECITING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE IN SPANISH!
DESTINY. No! WILLIAM. No!
SHERMAN. What?
DESTINY. Although it would be just very impressive to see you juggle hammers - I don’t
believe this is the appropriate place for that.
SHERMAN. You sound just like that dick that kicked me out of the children’s hospital.
DESTINY. Well, somehow I don’t doubt that.
(Sherman starts to get sad. Destiny senses this).
DESTINY. (Trying to be comforting) But it really was great, don’t get me wrong. Poignant stuff. So… Funny... Right, William?
WILLIAM. Oh yeah! So funny! Where do you come up with that stuff?
SHERMAN. (Cheering up) It’s a gift.
WILLIAM. Well if we ever find God up here, you should definitely thank him for your gift.
(Beat).
SHERMAN. So, William, why are you up here?
WILLIAM. I think it’s because I had too much fun in life; never took anything too seriously. Heaven looks down on that.
SHERMAN. Yeah, the higher-ups seem a little stuffy around here.
WILLIAM. How about you? You had to have been labeled a liability for more than just your clumsiness.
SHERMAN. I don’t know. They don’t really tell you why you’re here. I begged my first case worker to let me see my file, but he said it was “against the rules of heaven”. We just have to figure it out on our own.
DESTINY. Although our rules state that a case worker can’t tell you why you’ve been labeled a liability, we do encourage introspection.
SHERMAN. Figures I would wait until after I died to think about why I’m a screw up.
DESTINY. Better late than never. And, I don’t mean to worry you, but this waiting room is pretty much your last chance.
SHERMAN. And if we don’t figure it out and change?
DESTINY. Then oblivion most likely awaits you. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Excuse me. I have to go finalize some paperwork for your transfer.
(Destiny exits).
WILLIAM. She’s usually a lot funnier than that. You’re just catching her at a bad time.
SHERMAN. That’s what my friends would say when they defended my comedy. I shouldn’t have bought into it. After a while I started using that excuse to defend myself too.
WILLIAM. Do you not think you’re a good comedian?
SHERMAN. Come on, Will – I suck. I know it. You know it. I’m not blind enough to see your bored faces when I hit my punchlines, or deaf enough that I don’t know a fake compliment when I hear one.
WILLIAM. So why do you do it? Why get up in front of people knowing they most likely won’t like your jokes?
SHERMAN. Because I love doing it. It’s exhilarating. The rush of getting in front of a group of people who are giving up their time to listen to you try and make them laugh is unlike anything else in this world. I just wish –
WILLIAM. You wish what?
SHERMAN. I wish that I trusted myself more. Do you want to know why I went into prop comedy? It was because I was never comfortable on stage without something to hide behind. I lied to myself and said it was adding to the jokes, but really they were a distraction. They distracted the audience from me.
WILLIAM. Maybe the lack of confidence is what makes you a liability?
SHERMAN. I wouldn’t doubt it. I’ve always had problems with people seeing the real me. Even when we first met I opted to go into my crappy comedy routine rather than have a real conversation with you two.
WILLIAM. Well, this is the real you, isn’t it? You sound like a smart guy, and you can obviously make some good observations. Isn’t that what comedy is? Finding the absurdity in normal observations?
(Sherman smiles).
SHERMAN. Thanks, Will. You’re a good guy, you know that –
(Destiny yells from offstage).
(Enter Hitler and Destiny. Hitler is holding Destiny hostage).
WILLIAM. Hitler!
SHERMAN. Hitler?
HITLER. Hi guys.
DESTINY. Whatever he asks you to do, don’t listen to him!
HITLER. Oh, Destiny, why don’t you shut up before you get hurt.
(Hitler takes a key and opens Destiny’s desk. He removes two more keys and shuts the desk).
WILLIAM. You’re not getting into heaven.
HITLER. I disagree. And just to make sure you don’t try to stop me again – (Hitler opens the SR door. A dark, purple lights pours through it). – I present to you – oblivion.
(Hitler takes Destiny to the edge of the doorway).
WILLIAM. Destiny!
HITLER. I’m making it through that door. Stand in my way and Destiny gets torn apart, atom by atom.
DESTINY. Don’t do it, Will.
(William and Sherman block the SL door to heaven).
HITLER. Out of my way!
WILLIAM. You’re never getting through this door.
SHERMAN. Will. What do we do?
WILLIAM. I don’t know. This guy is just the worst.
SHERMAN. (To himself) The worst? (Sherman steps in front of William).
SO THIS IS MY FIRST TIME IN HEAVEN. I FLEW HERE. AND BY THAT I MEAN MY PLAN CRASHED, BUT HEY, ANY EXCUSE NOT TO HAVE A LAYOVER IN TUSCON, AM I RIGHT?
HITLER. (Confused) I. I don’t know what this is. What is this?
SHERMAN.
SERIOUSLY, HAVE ANY OF YOU BEEN TO TUSCON? IT’S LIKE ALL THE POLISH JOKES THAT WERE EVER WRITTEN GOT TOGETHER AND DECIDED TO BECOME A CITY.
(Hitler chuckles a bit).
SHERMAN.
AND WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT ARE FAMOUS FOR DOING NOTHING? OH, JUST BECAUSE YOUR DAD IS RICH THAT ENTITLES YOU TO CELEBRITY STATUS? GOOD LUCK GETTING ME TO WATCH YOUR SEX TAPE – AGAIN. I KNOW IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE’VE PRACTICED EUGENICS, BUT I DOUBT THE WORLD NEEDS ANOTHER KARDASHIAN.
(Hitler laughs wildly)
SHERMAN.
SO WHAT ELSE. WHAT ELSE… OH! I WENT TO AN ANCESTRY WEBSITE AND I FOUND OUT THAT MY FAMILY IS PART GERMAN. ANY GERMAN’S IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT?
(Hitler raises his hand eagerly with a salute).
MY GOD, THAT IS SOME MOUSTACHE! THAT THING IS SO THICK, HE PROBABLY CHARGES GUYS DOUBLE TO RIDE IT! AND WHAT’S UP WITH THAT ADORABLE SALUTE YOU GUYS DO?
(Sherman does the salute as dainty as possible).
THAT’S SO CUTE. IT LOOKED LIKE YOU JUST GAVE A BUNCH OF OUT OF WORK DANCERS SOME TANKS AND DECIDED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, YOU BASIC BITCH.
HITLER. (Still laughing) Okay, okay.
SHERMAN.
HEY, YOU’RE A GOOD SPORT. LET’S GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR HITLER.
(Silence).
GEEZE, IT’S MORE QUIET THAN A GERMAN BUNKER IN 1945.
HITLER. (Laughing) Oh!
SHERMAN.
RIGHT? THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. SO WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH. I GO ON TO AN ANCENSTRY WEBSITE AND I FIND OUT I’M GERMAN, RIGHT? AND I TELL MY PARENTS THAT WE’RE ACTUALLY FROM A LONG LINE OF GERMAN ANCESTORS, AND MY MOM GOES CRAZY WITH IT. SHE’S DRINKING BEER OUT OF STEINS NOW, SHE’S LEARNING THE LANGUAGE, AND SHE EVEN STARTED MAKING SAUSAGE. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, HER COOKING SUCKS. I HAVEN’T FOUND A WAY TO TELL HER THAT HER SAUSAGES ARE THE WURST!
(Hitler laughs so hard that he lets go of Destiny.)
SHERMAN. Run!
(Destiny runs over to William. Sherman takes the opportunity to push Hitler into the void.
SHERMAN shuts the door. Hitler screams as he is dissipated into oblivion).
DESTINY. Sherman, that was -
SHERMAN. Super brave and amazing. I know.
WILLIAM. You did it!
SHERMAN. I did! I performed stand up without props!
WILLIAM. I was going to say you destroyed Hitler’s soul and saved Destiny, but whatever you feel good about works.
(The heaven door begins to shine as heavenly music plays).
SHERMAN. Is that –
DESTINY. For you. Congratulations.
SHERMAN. All I had to do was trust myself.
(Sherman hugs Destiny and William).
SHERMAN. Thank you both for showing me that.
(Sherman opens the door and walks through. He shuts it, and the heavenly light fades out).
DESTINY. Crazy day.
WILLIAM. Are they always this exciting?
DESTINY. Unfortunately, no. (Silence). What did you say to him that got him to change?
WILLIAM. We just talked. Sherman mostly figured out his liability himself. I guess people can really take the time to think when somebody is willing to listen.
DESTINY. You’re an amazing person, Will.
WILLIAM. Ah come on. You’re going to make me blush –
(Destiny kisses William)
DESTINY. I think I needed to do that.
WILLIAM. I’m not going to argue.
(They both smile)
DESTINY. I better get Sherman’s paperwork through. Believe it or not there are still a few
more lines he has to wait in on the other side. Might as well make sure he gets through as fast as possible.
WILLIAM. It’s okay. I’ll wait here.
(Destiny holds William’s hand briefly, then lets go. She exits.)
(William smiles as he sits back down in his chair. He thinks for a moment, then his smile lessons.)
(Enter Janitor carrying a thermos and a mop.)
JANITOR. Man, that Destiny sure has a glow about her today.
WILLIAM. What are you doing back here? I thought you had a lot more rooms to clean?
JANITOR. I got an urgent call that said somebody was processed through the oblivion door.
Sometimes that can get a little messy.
WILLIAM. How so?
JANITOR. Well when a body is de-atomized or whatever you might call the process, it first has to devolve into its most primordial state of evolution. It’s a real complicated situation, but let’s just say in the end the body kind of explodes into a type of chemical soup. Oh, speaking of soup.
(The Janitor opens the thermos and offers it to William.) Want some. Chicken and stars.
WILLIAM. No thanks. Don’t have much of an appetite after that.
(The Janitor puts the thermos down and starts checking the oblivion door.)
JANITOR. Suit yourself. I love chicken and stars. What’s that saying they have on Earth? “We are all star stuff”. Anyway, sometimes that star stuff, once it’s in chemical soup form, explodes in the direction of the door and has the potential of getting in the waiting room if the door isn’t closed in time. It’s a bitch to get out of carpet too. Found that out in the early days. That’s why all waiting rooms have tile floors now.
WILLIAM. Smart.
(The Janitor finishes assessing the door.)
JANITOR. No soul goo here, from what I can tell. I’ll see you around.
WILLIAM. Wait. Can I ask you for some advice?
JANITOR. Sure, kid.
WILLIAM. A minute ago, Destiny and I were in a dangerous situation. We managed to survive, and afterward… Well… She kissed me.
JANITOR. Oh, damn! No wonder she seemed so happy. So what? You didn’t like the kiss?
WILLIAM. No! Nothing like that – I loved it – I just… It didn’t hit me until later that this isn’t permanent.
JANITOR. You mean someday soon your case will be resolved and Destiny will be left here.
WILLIAM. Exactly.
(Beat.)
JANITOR. Come here and put your hand on the door. (William puts his hand on the oblivion door.) What can you feel?
(William silently listens to the door with his body.)
WILLIAM. A rumble. Low, but definitely there.
JANITOR. There is a duality with this door. You see, matter cannot be created or destroyed. It’s a safeguard put in by God to make sure what had been created could not be undone.
WILLIAM. Is that a problem?
JANITOR. In a way. You see the evil that goes into this door can never become nothingness. It just gets redistributed in the end. However, the same goes for love.
WILLIAM. How can anything possibly survive that? If my atoms get pulled apart by this void, then how could I ever keep any sense of who I was in this life?
JANITOR. The way we make memories are more than just what we see on the surface. Our brains actually use quantum processes while forming feelings and the memories of those feelings. It’s actually part of what creates consciousness. These quantum bits of information are shaped by and in part from the emotional responses we receive and create. These emotions cannot be created or destroyed – just redistributed.
WILLIAM. I think I get it, but why are you telling me this?
JANITOR. Because whether you go through this door, or that one, you’ll never be forgotten, and you’ll never forget, not on a quantum level. Oblivion isn’t really that, and if your atoms are separated and distributed into trillions of other things across the universe – that just means trillions of other things will have pieces of you that care for Destiny, and your family, and your friends. That can never be taken away from you.
WILLIAM. Wow. You’re totally God.
JANITOR. Damnit, Will, I am not God.
(William and the Janitor smile.)
(Destiny enters.)
DESTINY. Hello.
JANITOR. Hi, Destiny. (To William) I’ll stop boring you to death and let you two relax. (To both) I hear you’ve had a hell of a day.
DESTINY. That’s a bit of an understatement.
(The Janitor exits.)
WILLIAM. How are you feeling?
DESTINY. I’m okay, I think. Still a bit rattled.
WILLIAM. Me too.
(Beat)
DESTINY. Will, about that kiss.
WILLIAM. It was the adrenaline.
DESTINY. No, it was more than that. I… I never took chances when I was alive. Maybe I was never alive. I wanted to be, though, more than anything in the world I wanted to feel a rush of something. I wanted that passion to flow through my body and help me fight for what I really wanted. There were so many things worth fighting for that I just walked past. I never said a word or looked back – just kept moving on that damn path that led me here. And now I’m trapped. What good is the rush of being a hostage or the different kind of fear that comes with kissing somebody if I’m stuck in this goddamn office! By all other accounts I would have lived today. (Sarah enters silently. Destiny doesn’t see her). I would have lived if I weren’t stuck in this never ending state of half-dead limbo, bullshi-
(Destiny turns around and is immediately silenced).
DESTINY. You’re not supposed to be here.
SARAH. Destiny.
DESTINY. Hi, mom. (Destiny and Sarah hug for the first time in years). It’s been a long time.
SARAH. Far too long.
DESTINY. What are you doing here?
SARAH. Well, this may be hard for you to believe, Destiny, but I’m dead.
DESTINY. No, I mean my boss called me earlier. They transferred you to another case worker. We’re not allowed to work on cases of relatives.
SARAH. And when my case worker told me why I was transferred you can imagine my surprise when I found out my daughter was just a few doors down from me! I just had to come see you. I gave my case worker the slip and came straight here.
DESTINY. It really is good to see you.
SARAH. You too, honey. I’ve missed you so much.
DESTINY. Oh! This is William Hamilton. He’s another potential liability.
(Sarah shakes William’s hand.)
SARAH. It’s good to meet you, William.
WILLIAM. It’s good to meet you too. I don’t know if this is a rude question, but how is it that you look as young as Destiny?
DESTINY. In heaven you appear as you did when you were the happiest in life.
SARAH. (To Destiny) He is just adorable. Is he single?
DESTINY. Mom!
SARAH. I mean for you! Believe it or not, I’m still a married woman, even in heaven. When your father gets here he’ll be glad I waited. Though I might have to play a little trick on him when he finally kicks the bucket. He knew I had a massive crush on JFK when I was a teenager so he always used to joke that I would leave him for Kennedy once we got up to heaven. I think the first thing I’ll do when I get into heaven is pay a little visit to Johnny, and seeing if he’s up for playing a little prank on your father. Do you think JFK would be game for that? I think so – he always seemed so approachable when he was President.
DESTINY. Mom.
SARAH. Oh gosh, I’m ranting a little bit, aren’t I? I’m sorry, dear. I’m just so excited to be seeing you that I don’t really know what to say.
DESTINY. We could catch up? How have you been these past few years?
SARAH. I’ve been good. We have been living pretty comfortably after your accident.
WILLIAM. Accident? I thought you had cancer?
SARAH. She did, but that’s not what killed her.
DESTINY. God, mom…
SARAH. What? It wasn’t your fault. (To William) She was walking to her chemo treatment when a piano fell out of the sky and landed on her. A moving company was trying to put this piano through a window of a third story condo when the cheap straps they were using snapped. The piano flattened Destiny out like a pancake. (To Destiny) Anyway, honey, we sued the moving company and got millions. I mean, it was tragic what happened to you, but it was nice that some good could come of it. Your father and I got a chance to retire and travel the world.
DESTINY. So, you benefitted from me dying?
SARAH. Come on, Destiny, it’s not like that. We needed to do something to help us get over the horrible circumstances of your death. And it’s not like we won the settlement immediately after your death. We were in the courts for years before we got anything. And by then, well, what do they say? Tragedy plus time equals comedy?
DESTINY. My death was funny to you?
SARAH. Not at first, but one day it was. Your sister had a daughter - oh, you’re an aunt by the way – and when your niece was in grade school she started playing the piano. Your father and I went to her first piano recital, and it was so terrible that your father leaned over to me and whispered, “I bet Destiny’s accident sounded better than this shit”. (Sarah bursts out laughing) I couldn’t contain my laughter. I was actually asked to leave by one of the teachers. I felt terrible, of course, but in another way I felt… Free.
DESTINY. Free?
SARAH. Yes. Your death was so confining, honey. That’s what tragedy does to us. It’s a prison. The moment your father and I could look at things in another light was our release from that sentence.
DESTINY. It’s just hard to believe any positive feeling could have come from my death.
SARAH. Oh, lighten up, Destiny. You’re such a downer. You’re in heaven. What do you have to be sad about?
DESTINY. I’m not in heaven, mom. I’m here. I’ll always be here. This is my afterlife – signing forms and processing liabilities. I’m sorry I’m not as enlightened about my death as you are, but I could have used a little more time on Earth with you, and dad, and my sister, and her child that I’ll never get to meet because I won’t see any of you on the other side.
SARAH. I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t know. (Silence) When I first got sick, your father and I went to your grave. I had stage four stomach cancer. A horrible disease. Painful. But being at your grave was a strange feeling. It wasn’t the awful sense that came when you had first died – realizing we would never see you again. And it wasn’t the comical one that helped us cope later in life. It was this calmness that swept over me. Like it was okay that I was going to miss everything else in my life because I would soon be getting a part of it back. No matter how brief. I always had this to look forward to. For whatever that’s worth now.
(The Janitor enters.)
JANITOR. I tried to give you enough time, Sarah, but you have to come back with us now.
DESTINY. Mom, what is he talking about?
SARAH. I lied to you, honey. They ruled on my case a short while ago. I’m a liability.
DESTINY. No. I refuse to believe that.
SARAH. Honey, it’s okay. I thought I could get back before they found me. I just wanted to see you one last time. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you.
DESTINY. And all that talk about getting into heaven?
SARAH. I’m your mother. Sometimes mothers have to lie to their kids in order to give them hope that everything will be okay in the end.
DESTINY. Mom, you’re about to be obliterated. Do you know what’s going to happen to you?
SARAH. Nothing that didn’t already happen to me the day you died… Just… On a smaller scale.
DESTINY. Mom.
(Destiny hugs Sarah.)
JANITOR. We have to go, Sarah.
(Sarah lets go of Destiny, reluctantly. She starts to head out with the Janitor.)
DESTINY. Wait! Please let her into heaven. You owe me this much. I have been a dutiful worker for years. I have never asked for anything, but I am asking now that you please let her in. If my years of service have meant anything to you then you can let one soul in for me.
JANITOR. It doesn’t work that way, and you know it.
(Destiny rushes over to the oblivion door. She opens it and stands in the doorway.)
DESTINY. Then take me instead.
SARAH. Destiny don’t!
JANITOR. The ruling has been sent down from heaven, and Sarah’s place in oblivion has already been set. If you want to take her place, Destiny, heaven will respect that and Sarah can take over your responsibilities as a case worker.
WILLIAM. Destiny.
(William rushes over to Destiny. He puts her hand in his.)
DESTINY. Will, I –
WILLIAM. You don’t have to do this alone.
DESTINY. Yes, I do. You are the kindest person I’ve ever met, Will. I know you would follow me into oblivion if I asked because that’s just the person you are. It would be so much easier to jump with you, but I can’t let you come along. I’ve spent so much of my life not taking chances that I don’t want someone to hold my hand during my biggest one. I have to do this myself.
(Destiny places her hands on William’s cheeks and kisses his forehead.)
SARAH. Honey, I can’t let you do this.
DESTINY. Yes, you can. Besides, I’m not giving you the choice. You’re just going to have to live for both of us. I love you, mom. Give dad a big hug for me when he gets to heaven.
(Destiny takes a deep breath then walks through the oblivion door.)
(The Janitor closes the door. There is silence as Sarah and William process Destiny’s choice.)
WILLIAM. She’s gone. I can’t believe it.
(Destiny enters looking confused.)
DESTINY. What the hell?
WILLIAM. Destiny! I don’t understand. How are you here?
DESTINY. I have no idea.
JANITOR. Yeah, you’re probably wondering why oblivion is just the waiting room.
DESTINY. If you say “hell is other people” I’m going to punch you in the face.
(The Janitor laughs.)
JANITOR. Actually, this was all a test. I’m sorry for the theatrics, but performance evaluations for case workers have to be thorough and often times extreme in order to properly evaluate your growth. Hitler, Charlie, Will, Sarah, Sherman – all of these pieces were lined up to create a bit of orchestrated chaos. Believe it or not, running a universe is pretty boring, and I like to see how complicated I can make these evaluations for my own amusement.
WILLIAM. Wait, so who are you?
JANITOR. This may come as a shock to you, William, but… I am God.
WILLIAM. Boom! Called it!
(William holds his hand up hoping the Janitor will give him a high-five. The Janitor leaves him hanging.)
JANITOR. Don’t get too proud of yourself, Will. Acting is hard. And I saw your eighth grade production of Everyman where you played a tree. It was crap.
WILLIAM. Whoa! I was just a kid.
JANITOR. I’m just saying – I was very aware that I was watching a play. And your performance certainly wasn’t helping.
SARAH. Guys, can we get back on topic here? (To Destiny) I knew you would pass, honey! I’m so proud of you.
DESTINY. Wait, you were in on this?
SARAH. Of course. When God asked me for help in getting my daughter into heaven, I couldn’t say no to that. This was actually pretty fun! I might even try out for community theatre in heaven. (To Janitor) There’s theatre in heaven, right?
JANITOR. Yep. In fact, I’m thinking of getting my money back from Stanislavski for all those acting lessons. I had to do so many character journals…
DESTINY. So, what happens now?
JANITOR. Well, you aced your exam, so I guess that’s up to you. You can stay here and work as
a case worker, or you can move on. All of you can, actually. Sarah was never really a liability, but we had to make it seem that way to push you to your limits and see if you had truly grown as a person over the years.
DESTINY. Wow, that’s… Kind of sociopathic.
JANITOR. Ha! Yeah. I guess it kind of is.
(The heaven door lights up.)
SARAH. I know where I’m going. (To Destiny) I hope you’ll come with me, honey.
(Sarah walks through the door.)
DESTINY. (To William) Feel like having an adventure?
WILLIAM. With you? Always.
DESTINY. Go. I’ll catch up.
(Destiny and William hug. William goes through the heaven door.)
DESTINY. (To Janitor) This was the strangest last day of any job I’ve ever had.
JANITOR. Yes, well… I hope you like the severance package.
(Destiny smiles.)
DESTINY. It’s odd that I had to die and get to heaven before I started living my life.
JANITOR. So what in the hell are you waiting for?
(Destiny hugs the Janitor, then exits through the heaven door. The door shuts.)
(The Janitor starts sweeping the floor, smiling as the lights fade.)