The Cabin by the Lake

By Steven Blacksmith

SCENE I

Make Out Point

CHARACTERS

JESSICA…………………………………………….. Sixteen. Dumb.

FELIX……………………………………………….. Sixteen. Dumb.

HENRY………………………………………………. Stereotypical slasher film demon man.

DEATH………………………………………………. Corporeal form of the inevitable.

SETTING: Make Out Point

There are trees and a car parked amongst them.

(JESSICA and FELIX are in the car.)

JESSICA

I’m so glad we finally got some alone time, Felix.

FELIX

I hear you, Jessica. I’m just surprised you’d want to go out with an introvert like me.

JESSICA

Felix, after you read that poem you wrote about me at the talent show, how could I not go out with you?

(Felix blushes.)

FELIX

Oh, it was nothing. I just said what was in my heart.

JESSICA

Well, it was really beautiful. Actually, I would like to hear it again. If you don’t mind?

FELIX

You want to hear it now?

JESSICA

Of course.

FELIX

Okay.

(Felix pulls a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket.)

HER EYES TAKE MY BREATH AWAY

IN THE MORNING SON

ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE COMES TO SAY

DID YOU GET YOUR HOMEWORK DONE?

FOR EVERY TIME I SEE HER SMILE

E’ER WE SHALL MEET

HER BEAUTY SHINES ON FOR A MILE

THROUGH HER PERFECT TEETH

A ROSE WITH ANY OTHER NAME-ICA

WOULD SMELL JUST AS SWEET

BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE JESSICA

AND THAT IS NO SMALL FEAT

JESSICA

Aww!

(Jessica claps giddily.)

FELIX

I’m really glad you liked it.

JESSICA

I love it. My favorite part is the one about my feet.

(Felix looks at her in silence for a moment.)

FELIX

Yeah… That’s my mine too.

JESSICA

I think such a special poem deserves a special kiss!

FELIX

Oh Jessica.

(She leans in for a kiss, but he hesitates.)

JESSICA

Is something wrong?

FELIX

Jessica… I have a confession to make. I’ve never kissed anyone before.

JESSICA

Oh... Listen, Felix, I’m not sure I want to be the one to give you your first kiss. That’s a lot of pressure. I mean, what if it’s not good and then I ruin your first kiss experience forever?

FELIX

Is that what happened with your first kiss?

JESSICA

No, it was great.

FELIX

Oh.

JESSICA

It was with Todd. You know? Captain of the lacrosse team and the football team and the baseball team. He’s a triple threat! Oh, and he’s a great kisser, so I guess… Quadruple threat?

FELIX

Thank god there’s no kissing team. He’d be captain of that.

JESSICA

Come on, Felix. Don’t be jealous. Todd and I are ancient history. We broke up a whole week ago.

FELIX

I just I feel like I won’t live up to him.

JESSICA

I’m sure you would, Felix. You’re probably a natural kisser. Anyone who writes poetry like that can definitely kiss. In fact - I think we should just go for it.

FELIX

Really?

JESSICA

Yes, Felix. I will be your first kiss.

(Felix smiles.)

FELIX

I can’t imagine anyone else I would like to experience that with.

JESSICA

Aww...

(Beat.)

Why don’t we turn the radio on and find some romantic music?

FELIX

Sure.

(Felix turns the radio on, flips through a few stations, and settles on a romantic song.)

How’s that?

JESSICA

Perfect.

(Felix and Jessica lean in for a kiss when –)

RADIO DJ

(Voice over.)

We interrupt this romantic song to bring you breaking news from the state prison. A dark figure has been seen near Make Out Point. Police are warning citizens to stay away from this stranger if they were to encounter them. This warning was issued because it is the one year anniversary of the massacre at Make Out Point, which claimed the lives of nine teenagers. The police department would like to remind everyone that the killer was never caught, and concerns about them returning to our sleepy little town are high. We now return you to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

(The music starts playing again.)

FELIX

Should we be worried about that?

JESSICA

Relax, Felix. What are the chances the killer would come back to this very spot on the anniversary of their first rampage? That’s way too obvious.

FELIX

You’re right.

JESSICA

Now, where were we?

(They lean in for a kiss again when they hear CRUNCHING leaves from outside.)

FELIX

What was that?

JESSICA

Probably just a squirrel or something.

FELIX

You’re right. I think that weird story just freaked me out.

JESSICA

I’m sure it was nothing --

(HENRY, comes out holding an axe and covered in blood.)

FELIX

-- OH MY GOD!

(Felix SCREAMS.)

JESSICA

What the hell, Felix? That’s right in my ear.

FELIX

Are you serious? That’s the freaking murderer!

JESSICA

Yeah right. It’s probably just some guy playing a prank.

FELIX

Maybe… But, should we really take that chance?

JESSICA

Felix, he’s really ruining the mood. Why don’t you just go out there and tell him to get lost?

FELIX

Um… Okay... Then that’s what I’ll do! I’m going to go out there and handle this.

(Felix exits the car.)

JESSICA

You’re sexy when you take charge, you know that?

(Felix smiles at her, then shuts the door.)

FELIX

Sir, I am going to have to respectfully ask you to leave. You’re kind of ruining the vibe here.

HENRY

I’m sorry, bud. I’m here for one reason and one reason only – to kill teenagers that are disobeying some outdated morality code I hold dear for some reason.

FELIX

Yeah, right. All we’re doing is kissing. Or attempting to, at least.

HENRY

Oh. That’s it? Well, that’s a different story.

FELIX

So, you won’t kill us?

HENRY

Not if you’re just kissing.

FELIX

Thanks. I appreciate it.

HENRY

No problem. Now, get back in there, you rascal.

FELIX

Okay… I just…

HENRY

Is there a problem, champ?

FELIX

Mr. Murderer, I have never kissed anyone before, and I’m a little nervous. Got any advice?

HENRY

Please, call me Henry. And, you know what, kiddo, people put a lot of stock into your “firsts”, but really it’s just an illusion. You’re psyching yourself out for no reason.

FELIX

I know, but I just can’t get it out of the back of my mind.

HENRY

Well… I have an idea.

(Henry takes out a boombox and turns it on. The romantic song starts playing.)

Come here.

(Felix nears Henry and they share a long kiss.)

There. Now the mystery is gone.

(Felix smiles and give Henry a big hug.)

FELIX

Thanks, Henry!

HENRY

No problem! Don’t have sex or I’ll kill you.

FELIX

Yes sir!

(Henry laughs as Felix gets back in the car.)

(Felix and Jessica kiss and lower themselves into the back seat.)

(Henry starts to leave, but runs into DEATH.)

DEATH

Hey Henry.

HENRY

Uh, hi, Death. What are you doing here?

DEATH

I came to collect the souls of your victims. Where are they, by the way?

HENRY

The kids? They’re still in the car. I, uh, didn’t kill them.

DEATH

You didn’t kill them?

HENRY

They weren’t that bad, Death. All they’re doing is making out. I didn’t think it was immoral enough for me to kill them.

(Death sighs and rubs his eyes in annoyance.)

DEATH

Henry – when I let you out of hell we made an agreement, remember? You would come up here for one week during the anniversary of your death, and you would kill enough misbehaving teenagers to fill my soul quota. That way, I can take a vacation and you can take a whole week away from your eternity of torment. That was the deal.

HENRY

I know, but –

DEATH

But nothing. It’s only the second year and you’re getting cold feet!? I can’t have that. I need this vacation, Henry. I already booked a resort in Bali. It’s all inclusive, bud. You have any idea how much that costs?

HENRY

No.

DEATH

It’s a shit ton. I’ll tell you that.

HENRY

But, can I just spare these kids. They haven’t done anything wrong yet.

(Jessica and Felix rise from the back seat.)

JESSICA

Hey. You wanna go all the way?

FELIX

Oh, hell yeah!

(They lower themselves again.)

DEATH

Looks like you have work to do.

(Death starts to leave.)

You know, Henry. I would think long and hard about your job here. It’s a good deal.

(Death exits.)

(Henry shakes his head in disappointment, moves to the car, and raises his axe.)

(Lights down.)

SCENE II

The Cabin

CHARACTERS

MARGO………………………………………………. Senior. Eighteen. Looking to party.

GEORGE……………………………………………… Senior. Eighteen. Likes to sing.

JENNY………………………………………………… Senior. Eighteen. Sings guitar riffs.

FABRIZIO…………………………………………….. Senior. Eighteen. Parents are loaded.

LARRY………………………………………………… Senior. Eighteen. Kind of sweet.

HENRY………………………………………………… Like Jason Vorhees but wants love.

DEATH………………………………………………… Comes for us all.

SETTING: Cabin

(JENNY, FABRIZIO, GEORGE, LARRY, and MARGO enter the cabin. They are laughing and having fun.)

MARGO

I can’t believe we won Best Acapella Group at this year’s Burque High School Talent Show!

GEORGE

Me either, Margo. Our team really upped its game this year!

JENNY

Well we had too, George. Last year’s competition was intense. I’m glad we were able to pull together and beat them.

ALL

Yeah!

GEORGE

We made the audience cry so hard they were falling over in the aisles!

FABRIZIO

I saw one guy that ran out of the theater. I don’t think he wanted people to see how many emotions he was feeling.

ALL

Awww.

LARRY

What do you say we reminisce over a wine cooler or two?

ALL

Yeah!

LARRY

Great! I’ll go get them out of the car.

MARGO

Thanks, Larry!

GEORGE

Need any help?

LARRY

No thanks. I’m sure I can handle it. Take a rest. You deserve it. We all do!

ALL

Yeah!

(Larry exits.)

JENNY

It was really cool of your parents to let us use their cabin to celebrate, Fabrizio.

FABRIZIO

Right? They can be pretty cool when they want to be.

JENNY

Why did they build a cabin in such a secluded area, anyway?

FABRIZIO

So they could have the wildest parties and not get the cops called.

MARGO

That’s what I’m talking about!

GEORGE

Heck yeah!

(Fabrizio and Margo high five.)

(Thunder CRACKS through the sky, startling Jenny.)

Whoa! Are you okay, Jenny?

JENNY

That just caught me off guard. I guess we’re in for kind of a wild night.

GEORGE

Well, that depends on how many shots you take.

(Margo looks out the window.)

MARGO

It’s too dark. I can’t see Larry.

FABRIZIO

Relax. I’m sure he’s alright.

MARGO

I’m just getting worried about the storm. Maybe we should go get our bags now?

GEORGE

Yeah, you’re probably right. Come on, guys.

(They all move toward the door, when it BURSTS open. They jump back. There is silence for a beat, until Larry’s severed head is THROWN through the doorway. It rolls on the ground in front of the group before coming to a stop.)

(They all SCREAM.)

(A MONSTROUS VOICE yells, “PUT THIS ONE ICE!”)

JENNY

Oh my god! What happened?

GEORGE

Larry? Are you okay?

(George bends down to pick up his head, but quickly throws it back.)

He’s not okay, guys!

(They scream again.)

JENNY

Shut the door!

(George shuts the door.)

FABRIZIO

What the hell is going on?

GEORGE

Somebody killed my best friend! That’s what’s going on!

FABRIZIO

I’m not your best friend?

GEORGE

This isn’t the time!

JENNY

Who could have done such a thing?

GEORGE

I don’t know… But, one thing is for sure.

JENNY

What?

GEORGE

We’re not going anywhere with some maniac outside.

(They all back away from the door and huddle together in the middle of the room.)

(The lights dim.)

(Time slows down until it eventually reverses. The teens all walk in reverse as they carry off pieces of the set. They finally exit through the door and push the rest of the set off.)

(A car enters the stage. They are now at the exterior of the cabin. The teens reverse walk into the car. Time slows down until it moves forward.)

FABRIZIO

This is the place. Who’s ready to party?

MARGO

Wooo! I’m so fucking pumped!

FABRIZIO

Hell yeah!

(They all cheer as they exit the car.)

LARRY

We did it, gang. We deserve to party like it’s our last night on Earth.

MARGO

Yeah!

(Fabrizio opens the front door. They start walking in.)

I can’t believe we won best Acappella group at this year’s Burque High School talent show!

(They shut the door behind them.)

(Laughing and revelry is heard inside.)

(Henry enters with a machete. He is on his phone.)

HENRY

Okay. This is the place death told me to go in his text message. Apparently, the kids should already be there and getting ready to party. Should I just go in or? No... There’s no fun in that. Wait, what am I saying? Did I ever find this fun? Sure, it’s thrilling, but is it fulfilling? Does it light up my soul when I kill misbehaving teenagers? Does it spark joy? I’m not sure. Sometimes, I

feel like I’m starting to feel like I’m just a pawn for Death. He just needs me to fill his stupid quota.

(Henry sits down on a log.)

I don’t know if I want to do this anymore. Sure, hell is terrible, but at what price am I paying to get out for such a small amount of time? Do the ends justify the means? I don’t like who I’ve become. I’ve lost myself...

Or, maybe I never knew myself to begin with? Hell, I died when I was a kid when those neglectful camp counselors put me in a faulty zip line harness. I was just a child. I hadn’t known the world yet. I trained to be a vengeance demon immediately when I got to hell, so really, that’s all I’ve known... I know nothing of the real world. I would do anything to be able to feed ducks in a park, or ride a roller coaster, or maybe even… Fall in love… You can dream, Henry. That’s something death can’t take away from you.

(The front door opens.)

Oh shit.

(Henry hides behind the car.)

(Larry exits the house.)

(Larry opens the car door. As he searches for the wine coolers, Henry comes up behind himand raises his machete. Larry finds his booze and gets out of the car. He turns and sees Henry towering over him.)

LARRY

Jesus!

(Henry cocks his arm back, ready to strike, when he suddenly stops.)

HENRY

Oh... My god...

LARRY

Aren’t... Aren’t you going to kill me?

HENRY

I... I’m supposed to, but I can’t. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

(Larry blushes.)

LARRY

I, uh... I don’t know what to say.

HENRY

I can’t destroy someone so... Captivating.

LARRY

Oh, stop.

HENRY

I’m serious. Hasn’t anyone ever told you how gorgeous you are?

LARRY

Not anyone so tall, dark, and handsome as you.

(Henry can’t help but let a cute, embarrassed smile out.)

HENRY

Now, you stop.

LARRY

You have a beautiful smile. Listen... I never do this, but... Would you like to make out in the back seat of this car?

HENRY

I... I don’t know.

LARRY

Have you never made out in a car before?

HENRY

You know, I see it happen from time to time - and it’s always looked appealing - but I never have.

LARRY

There’s a first time for everything.

(Larry extends his hand. Henry takes it. They enter the car.)

HENRY

Be gentle.

(They kiss passionately.)

LARRY

I never say this but, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.

HENRY

I feel the same way.

LARRY

I’m Larry.

HENRY

Henry.

LARRY

It’s good to meet you, Henry.

(They kiss again.)

Henry. This may be sudden, but I feel like I could really love you.

HENRY

Oh my god. This is like a fairy tale.

LARRY

You must be sick of horror stories.

HENRY

You have no idea.

(Larry plays with Henry’s hair.)

LARRY

I feel so safe in your arms. That’s why I would like to try something with you.

HENRY

.... What did you have in mind?

LARRY

Well... I’m kind of into choking.

HENRY

...

LARRY

Feel free to say no if you’re uncomfortable.

HENRY

No, it’s not that, I just... I’m kind of supernaturally strong on account of being a hell demon.

LARRY

That’s okay. I can handle it.

HENRY

I’m not sure.

LARRY

Look, if it would make you feel better we can have a safe word. If I feel like your grip is getting too tight, I’ll say, “pineapple”.

HENRY

Well, I’d be lying if I say I wasn’t a little excited at the idea.

(Larry smiles. They start kissing again and Larry guides Henry’s hands to his neck.)

LARRY

(Slightly constricted.)

That’s it. That’s good.

(They continue kissing as Henry guides them behind the seats.)

(Suddenly, Larry’s breathing becomes harder and frantic.)

Pi... Pen... Puh... ARGHGHGH!

(Henry RIPS Larry’s head off.)

HENRY

Oh my god. Oh my god... Larry? Oh my god... LARRY!!! Jesus. No. Oh my god. I didn’t mean it, I didn’t... Why didn’t you say the safe word!?

(Henry exits the car with Larry’s head in his hands.)

I don’t know what - I don’t -.

(Henry looks into Larry’s eyes.)

You’re okay. You’ll be okay. Doctor’s can fix this, right? They just have to get to you in time. It’ll be fine. Oh god.

(Henry opens the front door of the cabin and throws Larry’s head inside.)

PUT THIS ON ICE!

(SCREAMS are heard inside of the cabin.)

(The door slams shut.)

I hope they heard me. Don’t worry, Larry. I’m sure they’ll call for help. Just hang in there.

(Death enters.)

DEATH

Hey bud. You got a soul for me?

HENRY

No! You can’t have him. His friends are going to call for a doctor and they’re going to fix him.

(Death looks inside the car.)

DEATH

I’m no doctor, but I know they can’t fix that. You ripped his head off.

HENRY

Damnit! You’re saying there is no way of saving him?

DEATH

No one has ever come back from something like this. Trust me.

HENRY

Son of a bitch! I didn’t mean to kill him. I didn’t.

DEATH

Why does it matter, anyway? You’re supposed to kill all of these kids. What makes this guy so important?

HENRY

He just was, okay? We had a connection. I hate to say it, because it sounds so cheesy, but... I think he was my soul mate.

(Death bursts out laughing.)

It’s not funny.

DEATH

Soul mate? Really?

HENRY

I’m being serious. What am I saying? You wouldn’t understand. You’ve never loved anything.

DEATH

You’re right, Henry. I’m not a big believer in love. But, as your friend, I should be a believer in you, and if you say you loved this guy, I believe you.

HENRY

Thank you. So, can you bring him back?

DEATH

From the dead? That’s a big ask. It’s not an easy thing to do.

HENRY

But, you can do it?

DEATH

I have my tricks...

(Death thinks to themself.)

Don’t you still have to kill those kids?

HENRY

Oh... That’s the other thing. I, uh, I don’t feel like killing anymore.

DEATH

I’m sorry?

HENRY

I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I don’t find murdering teenagers fulfilling.

DEATH

That’s ridiculous. That’s basically all you do. That’s the purpose of our entire deal!

HENRY

I know, I know, but it doesn’t make me happy.

(Death shakes his head in disappointment.)

DEATH

So, what do you want? What do you want me to do?

HENRY

I just want Larry back and to stop killing people.

(Death starts pacing as they think.)

DEATH

I’ll tell you what, Henry. I’ll make you a deal. I believe the world needs fear to keep it in check. Of course, I would prefer death and destruction as it benefits me. But, if you can prove that fear can exist without creatures like you having a hand in it, then I will resurrect Larry and free you from your yearly kill quota.

HENRY

How do we figure that out?

DEATH

Simple. We will tell each other a series of stories. If you can convince me that the world has a sufficient amount of fear in it without you, I’ll give you your reward.

HENRY

And if you win?

DEATH

Then you’ll continue serving your purpose until the end of time.

(Henry puts his hand on the car window and looks at Larry’s body.)

Do we have a deal?

(Henry turns to him.)

HENRY

Deal.

(Henry and Death shake hands as the lights fade.)

SCENE Iii

PROM NIGHT OF

THE WEREWOLF

CHARACTERS

MARTY………………………………………………… Definitely NOT a teen wolf.

CINDY…………………………………………………. Marty’s girlfriend. Oblivious.

HECTOR……………………………………………….. Suspects Marty is a teen wolf.

NADIA…………………………………………………. Has her suspicions too.

HAROLD………………………………………………. Marty’s perfectly normal dad.

SETTING: A house.

A standard house. Must have a couch or something else big enough to hide an actor behind.

(MARTY, CINDY, HECTOR, and NADIA enter wearing 1980’s prom outfits. Marty’s face is covered in hair.)

HECTOR

This is your place, Marty? Damn, it’s nice!

MARTY

That’s right. And we have it all to ourselves.

NADIA

Your parents aren’t home?

MARTY

No way. They were cool enough to get a hotel room for the night. We can party as late as we want!

CINDY

Oh, Marty. I couldn’t imagine a more magical prom night than this.

(Cindy kisses Marty on the cheek.)

MARTY

Hey. Only the best for my girl. Now, who wants a drink!?

ALL

Yeah!

MARTY

I’ll be right back.

(Marty exits.)

CINDY

He’s an absolute dream, isn’t he?

HECTOR

Sure…

CINDY

That didn’t sound very sincere.

HECTER

No, no, it is… It’s just that –

NADIA

We like him. We like him a lot, Cindy. And, of course, you are entitled to your happiness.

CINDY

But?

NADIA

But, what do you really know about him?

CINDY

I mean – not much. He only transferred to our school a month ago.

HECTOR

Exactly. He could be anyone. Who knows what his true intentions are with you?

CINDY

I can handle myself, Hector. Jesus, we’ve known each other since middle school – you should know to trust my judgement.

HECTOR

Right. You’re right. I’m sorry.

(Marty returns with shots.)

MARTY

Who wants a little tequila?

CINDY

Ooo, I do!

MARTY

Anything for my baby.

CINDY

Awww.

(They share a short kiss.)

(Everyone takes a tequila shot and slams it. Marty HOWLS.)

HECTOR

You alright?

MARTY

That’s got some kick to it, doesn’t it?

NADIA

Yeah, no, it’s good. It’s good stuff.

MARTY

It’s great stuff! I love this brand. Just ask Cindy. She knows that once I get a little tequila in me I can turn into a real animal – isn’t that right, babe?

(Marty playfully tickles her. She giggles uncontrollably.)

CINDY

Stop it, Marty. I can’t take it!

(Marty and Cindy laugh together as he stops tickling.)

MARTY

Oh, hey guys. The food at the prom was a little lame, so I’m making some appeteezers, if ya know what I mean.

HECTOR

Uh… I think so.

MARTY

Perfect. I’ll be right back.

(Marty exits.)

HECTOR

Okay, you honestly didn’t notice anything weird, Cindy?

CINDY

No. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

NADIA

Really? How about when he howled after the tequila shot? Or when he said he “turns into a real animal” when drinking?

CINDY

Oh, like you’ve never blacked out and woke up naked and covered in blood in a chicken coup.

HECTOR

This is ridiculous. I’m just going to say it. I think your boyfriend is a werewolf.

(Cindy is speechless. After a beat, she starts laughing.)

CINDY

That is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard. A werewolf? Do you even hear how stupid you sound, Hector?

HECTOR

How stupid I sound?

NADIA

Hector, maybe we shouldn’t jump to conclusions.

CINDY

She’s right. If you just got to know him a little, you wouldn’t be so damn suspicious.

HECTOR

Fine. I’m sorry.

(Marty enters.)

MARTY

Looks like the snacks need a little more time to marinade.

CINDY

Mmm, I can’t wait.

HECTOR

So, Marty?

MARTY

Yes, Hector?

HECTOR

I’ve been meaning to ask, and feel free to not answer if it makes you uncomfortable, but I was wondering why your face is so hairy?

NADIA

Babe!

MARTY

Now, now, Nadia. It’s okay. The hair on my face is actually the result of a disease I contracted not too long ago.

HECTOR

Oh? How did you get it?

MARTY

It was actually transmitted to me by an animal. I was going for a run out in the woods one night. I love running in the woods. I was making my way through a trail with particularly dense trees when out of nowhere and animal leaped out and attacked me. I managed to fight it off, but not before it bit my arm. I was going to get a rabies shot the next morning, but I woke up I felt strangely powerful. Anyway, the hair grew on my face soon after and I’ve been living with it ever since.

(Cindy moves to comfort him.)

CINDY

You’re so brave, you know that?

MARTY

I know, babe. You give me the strength to persevere.

CINDY

Aww…

(There is a DING in the next room.)

MARTY

Oh good. That’s the timer for the snacks. I hope I answered your question to your satisfaction, Hector.

HECTOR

Yeah… Thanks.

(Marty exits.)

CINDY

I hope you’re happy, Hector. That story is not easy for him to tell.

HECTOR

Really? None of the details in that story were red flags to you?

CINDY

Not one.

NADIA

Cindy, I think you might just be too close to this to see it.

CINDY

Guys, he is a perfectly normal, human man.

HECTOR

Perfectly normal, huh? How about the fact that he sheds everywhere he goes? And that he can scratch his ear with his foot?

CINDY

He does yoga. And, you already know about his skin condition.

NADIA

Okay, but my friend Tyler takes P.E. with him and swore that he jumped twenty feet in the air to dunk a basketball.

CINDY

Well, by that logic Michael Jordan is a werewolf. Do you think Michael Jordan is a werewolf, Nadia?

NADIA

… No.

CINDY

That’s right. Get your head out of your ass.

(Marty enters with a plate of bloody meats.)

MARTY

Alright, I have lots of tasty stuff for us. Uh, the black-ish thing is goats liver and there are plenty of raw cow hearts with goat cheese. Oh, and if you have a peanut allergy, I would stay away from the kidneys. They have my signature peanut and cows blood sauce on them.

CINDY

Ooo, delish.

(Cindy takes a large bite out of the cow heart. Blood gushes out and covers her face.)

(Hector and Nadia try not the vomit.)

MARTY

What’s wrong, guys? Not hungry?

NADIA

I’m going to be sick.

MARTY

Oh, no. Maybe you should sit down.

HECTOR

Maybe you should stop lying to us, Marty.

MARTY

What are you talking about?

HECTOR

Just be straight with us. Are you or are you not a teen wolf?

(Marty laughs to himself, first a small chuckle, but eventually it evolves into something more diabolical. He puts himself between Hector and the front door.)

MARTY

What gave it away?

HECTOR

Oh, there were a few things.

MARTY

Well, I hope you will understand that I can’t let my secret get out.

NADIA

Babe?

(Nadia stands beside Hector.)

HECTOR

What are you going to do?

MARTY

You should probably run.

(Hector and Nadia run offstage. Marty follows them. They SCREAM as Marty rips them apart – sending blood and body parts flying onto the stage.)

(Cindy looks down at her half-eaten cow heart.)

CINDY

Oh… God damnit. I can be so naïve sometimes. Get your shit together, Cindy.

(Marty enters, covered in blood.)

MARTY

Hey hon. I’m so sorry you had to hear that. Oh, and that I killed your friends.

CINDY

Uh… It’s okay. I guess.

(The front door opens. HAROLD enters in a sweater vest. He is perfectly normal.)

HAROLD

Don’t mind me. I’m not here.

MARTY

Dad! You promised you wouldn’t show up.

HAROLD

I’m sorry, kiddo. Your mom forgot her purse and it has all of her make up and what not in there. You know how she gets without that stuff.

(Harold finds the purse, ignoring the body parts and blood.)

Ah, got it. You kids have fun now.

(Harold exits.)

(Beat.)

CINDY

Your dad is –

MARTY

Super supportive. I know.

(Beat.)

Wanna watch a movie?

CINDY

(In shock.)

What do you have?

(Lights out.)

(Death and Henry enter in a small, downstage light.)

DEATH

So?… What did you think?

HENRY

It was okay. I think werewolves are hard not to make scary.

DEATH

Whoa whoa whoa. Are you saying I’m unimaginative?

HENRY

No! I just think you can try a little harder.

DEATH

Oh, screw you.

HENRY

Besides, there’s no way you can beat my story.

DEATH

Oh yeah? What’s it about?

HENRY

It’s about finding horror in one’s own past. Jean Paul Satre said “hell is other people”. You’re about to find out that’s true.

DEATH

Put up or shut up, buddy.

(Henry smiles evily as he and Death exit.)

SCENE iV

COMING HOME

SETTING: A house.

(JORDAN, 30, comes up to the front door. He straightens his shirt, then knocks.)

(MS. WHITE, late 50’s, answers the door.)

MS. WHITE

Oh, hello, Jordan! It’s so good to see you!

(Ms. White hugs Jordan. He awkwardly accepts it.)

JORDAN

Uh... Hi, Ms. White. What are you doing here?

MS. WHITE

I’m waiting for you, silly. Now, here is your program. Please take a seat on the sofa. The show will start momentarily.

(Ms. White exits into the hallway.)

(Jordan wanders around the living room.)

JORDAN

(Loudly)

Dad? I’m not sure what’s going on right now... This is a little weird, especially since we haven’t seen each other in years...

(The lights flash.)

Uh... Fine.

(Jordan sits on the couch.)

(To himself.)

This is so stupid.

(Jordan flips through the program and reads.)

“Coming Home. A nostalgic, dark tourism experience reaching into the twisted teen years of Jordan Emberton.” Oh, what the hell, dad!?

(The lights dim a bit.)

(HAL, late 50’s, enters through the front door. He is carrying a lunch box and dressed like a construction worker.)

HAL

Oh, hey, Jordan. I didn’t think you would be here. I thought you had soccer practice after school.

JORDAN

Dad, I’m thirty. I’ve been out of high school for twelve years. What the hell is going on?

HAL

Actually, I’m glad you’re here.

(Hal sits down on the sofa with Jordan.)

Son. I found the magazines.

JORDAN

What are you talking about?

HAL

The ones under your bed? Big Booty Hustlers? Naked Naughty Nurses? Any of those ring a bell?

JORDAN

Oh my god. You’re bringing that up again?

HAL

Jordan - you’re getting to that age where you might be a little confused as to what’s happening to your body. You might be growing hair where there wasn’t any before. Maybe your body is... Reacting... In strange, new ways when you see a girl.

JORDAN

This isn’t happening.

HAL

You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, the man puts his --

(The doorbell rings.)

HAL

Hmmm. I wonder who that can be this time of day?

(Hal opens the door to reveal BONNIE, 30, dressed in a cheerleading outfit.)

Hello, Bonnie. Good to see you. How’s your father?

BONNIE

He’s good, Mr. Emberton.

JORDAN

Bonnie? What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you since high school.

BONNIE

I’m here for our date, silly.

(Bonnie enters and sits next to Jordan.)

JORDAN

Oh no. No, no, no. I remember this. Dad, you can’t do this.

(Jordan gets up to leave.)

I’m going to go.

HAL

Now just wait a minute, son.

(Hal gets up and blocks the door.)

You will respect me when you are under my roof. Hell, I’d send you right to the army if you wouldn’t embarrass the family with your bed wetting problem.

(Jordan’s eyes widen.)

JORDAN

I was thirteen and had so much Mountain Dew to drink that night!

HAL

(to Bonnie)

He had to sleep on a plastic mattress until just last summer. We figured it he was peeing from anxiety due to his hypochondria.

JORDAN

I was sick a lot as a kid. Dad, don’t tell her things like that.

BONNIE

You were sick as a child? How awful!

HAL

Yeah, but when he got better, he became fascinated with his health. We got a polaroid camera one year and he would always take it to the bathroom and document his poops. I have a scrapbook around here somewhere.

(Hal starts looking around.)

JORDAN

Dad, no! Bonnie, I’m sorry. This all must really be awkward for you -- wait... Why are you really here? And why are you in that cheerleading outfit oh my god I’m such an idiot. You’re in on this too! What the hell!?

HAL

Jordan! How dare you use language like that in front of Bonnie. You just wait until your mother gets home.

JORDAN

My mother? Dad, mom passed away years ago. If you do something --

(There is a KNOCK at the door.)

HAL

Now you’re in for it.

(Hal opens the door to reveal Ms. White, now with a wig on and different clothes.)

Darling, how was the salon?

MS. WHITE

Wonderful. I was able to catch up with all of my girlfriends and -- Oh Jordan! I didn’t think you would be home so early. What about soccer practice?

HAL

He didn’t go.

JORDAN

I’m thirty.

MS. WHITE

Jordan Robert Emberton. I’m very disappointed in you. When you make a commitment to something, you have to honor it.

JORDAN

This is so stupid. I hate all of you.

MS. WHITE

Bonnie! How are you my dear?

(She hugs Bonnie.)

BONNIE

I’m fine, Mrs. Emberton. Jordan and I were actually going to see a movie.

MS. WHITE

Oh, that’s nice. Nothing with dinosaurs though. We took him to Jurassic Park when he was little and he got so scared that he started crying and tugging on his little man.

BONNIE

His little man?

HAL

His penis.

BONNIE

What? Why?

(Jordan buries his face in his hands and screams.)

MS. WHITE

He said that when he was having a bad dream, he would tug on his little man. If he didn’t feel any pain, he would know that he was in a nightmare and everything would be okay.

HAL

Yes, so he started pulling on his Lyndon B. Johnson and an usher had to escort him out. When the movie ended we found him crying in a corner of the women’s bathroom calling for his mommy.

JORDAN

That’s because I was four years old. You left me outside of a movie theater while you spent an hour watching the rest of the movie.

(Ms. White starts crying.)

HAL

God damnit, Jordan! We may not have been the best parents, but that’s no reason to upset your mother!

JORDAN

She’s not my mother, Hal! She was my third grade teacher. My mom died in a car crash while going to my high school graduation. You’re unbelievable, you know that?

(Bonnie gets up.)

BONNIE

I think I’m going to go. I’ll see you in Chem Lab, Jordan.

(Bonnie exits.)

JORDAN

I don’t know why you put on this piss poor reenactment of the worst day of my high school life, but I hope you’re happy.

(Jordan heads for the door.)

HAL

Son, wait.

(Jordan stops.)

I’ll admit... There was an ulterior motive to this little, theatrical piece of ours. Ms. White and I have been seeing each other for quite some time now.

(Ms. White and Hal embrace.)

The other day, I proposed to her, and she accepted. You were always so skittish as a kid, that I wasn’t sure how you were going to take it. I thought if you saw her in a parental role, then you might not be opposed to her becoming your new mom. We chose this particular memory of yours because I never felt more like a parent than in milestone moments like your first date.

MS. WHITE

We really didn’t mean to get you so upset, Jordan. We just wanted you to remember what it was like when your parents acted as a team. I would love to be a part of your life...

Son.

(Beat.)

JORDAN

I... I understand. It was a very stupid way of having this conversation, but I guess I get your intentions.

MS. WHITE

Thank you.

HAL

I’m proud of you, son.

(They hug Jordan.)

MS. WHITE

I’ll give you boys some time to talk.

(Ms. White kisses Hal on the cheek, then exits.)

JORDAN

I’m glad you’re happy dad. And, I hope next time you have to tell me something important, you just talk to me.

HAL

Sure thing, kiddo. Thanks for coming to our little performance. Did you pay the admission fee?

JORDAN

Admission fee?

HAL

Yes. Four thousand dollars.

(Jordan sighs deeply.)

JORDAN

Dad. Did you also put on this play to ask to borrow money?

HAL

Maybe...

JORDAN

Destroy that scrapbook and you’ve got yourself a deal.

HAL

Deal!

(Jordan shakes his head then pulls out a checkbook.)

(The lights fade down into Death and Henry’s lighting. They enter.)

DEATH

That was your big story?

HENRY

Better than yours.

DEATH

On what planet was it better?

HENRY

Please. The pure terror of going back to one’s adolescence and reliving the most awkward parts is absolutely terrifying.

DEATH

How would you know? You died when you were like ten.

HENRY

Whatever.

DEATH

What is this your fantasy? You wished you could live long enough to be an awkward teenager?

HENRY

Maybe. There’s a lot of milestones I missed.

DEATH

Well, I didn’t, and let me tell you, it is nowhere near getting brutally murdered.

HENRY

Fine. We’ll call that one a draw.

DEATH

Fine. Here’s my next one.

HENRY

I hope it’s better written than your last.

DEATH

Don’t you worry about me, bud. I made it nice and fancy for you.

HENRY

I guess we’ll see.

SCENE V

The fancy party

CHARACTERS

REGINALD………………………………………… The host. Close friends call him “Reggie”.

MRS. PARSONS………………………………..….. Old money.

MS. LOWELL………………………………..…….. Wore the wrong outfit.

MR. LLOYD………………………………………… Insufferable in conversation.

MICHEL BISSET………………………………….... The world’s greatest detective.

SETTING: Fancy Party

There is a couch and multiple chairs at this party.

(REGINALD, MRS. PARSONS, MS. LOWELL, MR. LLOYD, and MICHEL BISSET are standing around and drinking champagne.)

(A storm rages in the background.)

(Reginald taps his glass.)

REGINALD

Dear friends. I thank you so much for joining me on this All Hallows Eve. I’m sure you’re all dying to know why I brought you here today.

MRS. PARSONS

Well if it’s to get us all in one room together and drink all of your fine champagne, I would say, “Mission Accomplished”.

(All laugh except for Reginald.)

REGINALD

Yes, quite. I‘m not sure that was a joke, but okay.

(Mrs. Parsons raises her glass.)

MRS. PARSON

To our gracious host, Reginald. May he be long on this Earth and fruitful.

MR. LLOYD

Here here!

(They drink.)

(The party continues. Mrs. Parsons moves to Michel.)

MRS. PARSONS

Hello, there. I don’t believe we have had the pleasure.

MICHEL

Please, madam. The pleasure is all mine.

(Michel kisses her hand.)

Michel Bisset.

MRS. PARSONS

Mrs. Parsons. Michel Bisset? That is a beautiful name. Is it French?

MICHEL

Oui oui.

MRS. PARSONS

Around the corner and to the left, I believe.

MICHEL

No. I mean, yes, it is French.

MRS. PARONS

Oh. Ashanti.

MICHEL

Yes... Ashanti to you as well.

(Ms. Lowell and Mr. Lloyd come up to Michel and Mrs. Parsons.)

MS. LOWEL

Mrs. Parsons, you simply must introduce us to your new friend.

MRS. PARSONS

Ah, how rude of me. This is Michel. Michel, this is Ms. Lowel and Mr. Lloyd.

MICHEL

Pleasure to meet you.

MR. LLOYD

It’s a pleasure to meet you too, old chap. Say, you look familiar. Didn’t I see your picture in the paper recently?

MICHEL

Ah, it’s possible.

MS. LOWELL

My word. The newspaper? For what?

MICHEL

I found the Queen of England’s stolen jewels.

MR. LLOYD

That’s right. You’re that detective bloke!

MRS. PARSONS

Detective? You’ve been holding back on us, good sir.

MICHEL

It’s really not that interesting. I am Michel Bisset, the world’s greatest detective.

(Ms. Lowell and Mrs. Parsons gasp in amazement.)

MR. LLOYD

The world’s greatest detective, eh?

MICHEL

Yes.

MR. LLOYD

That’s a weird thing to say about yourself.

MS. LOWELL

Mr. Lloyd!

MR. LLOYD

What? It’s true! I mean, who gave you that title? What even is the metric to measure how great of a detective one is?

MICHEL

For your information, the queen gave the title to me herself.

MR. LLOYD

And just exactly how much water does that title hold over here? You’re a Frenchman in New York. That’s far away from merry old England.

MICHEL

My good sir - crime is the same everywhere.

MS. LOWELL

Mr. Lloyd you are embarrassing yourself.

MR. LLOYD

Yeah, well at least I’m not claiming to be the “most respectful talker in the world.”

MRS. PARSONS

That is quite enough, Mr. Lloyd.

(Mr. Lloyd angrily walks away.)

MRS. PARSONS

Tell me, Michel, do you ever play tennis? You simply must join me at the Meyer’s Club in Buffalo. Their courts are simply to die for. I usually find the game itself a bore, but maybe that’s because I haven’t found the right... Partner, just yet.

(The lights go out. THUNDER ROARS. A struggle ensues in the dark. When the lights come back up, Mrs. Parsons is dead on the couch with a knife in her chest.)

(The group sees her and gasps.)

(Reginald is panting.)

MS. LOWELL

Mrs. Parsons! Somebody has killed her!

MR. LLOYD

But who?

MICHEL

Whoever it was, they are still in this room.

MR. LLOYD

Well, Mr. World’s Greatest Detective? Can you crack this case?

MICHEL

I can crack any case, my good sir.

(Michel starts looking for clues.)

MS. LOWELL

I don’t know about this. Maybe it was just an accident?

MR. LLOYD

An accident?

MS. LOWELL

Yes. Maybe she grew scared when the power went out, tripped, and fell on a knife.

MR. LLOYD

Fell onto a knife that plunged directly into her heart? Then I suppose she spun around and splayed herself out on the couch like a murder victim?

MS. LOWELL

It’s not impossible.

MR. LLOYD

Reginald. What do you think?

REGINALD

Hmmm. I would guess that Mrs. Parsons slighted the killer in the past in some fashion. The killer then took advantage of the rolling blackouts we are suffering due to the storm and killed her when the power went out.

MR. LLOYD

That’s uncanny. Mr. Bisset! Maybe Reginald here should be the detective, eh?

MICHEL

That’s an interesting theory, Reginald, but I have a way of deducing the killer.

MS. LOWELL

Oh my. How ever will you do it?

MICHEL

Simple. Let me look at all of your shoes.

MS. LOWELL

Our shoes? Why on Earth must you look at our shoes?

MICHEL

I found a type of clay that only comes from one area of Buffalo, and is often used in their legendary tennis courts. Mrs. Parsons told me she frequented the Meyer’s Tennis Club. Mrs. Parsons herself does not have any clay on her shoes, so I have reasoned that the killer must have been stalking her, got clay on their shoes, and has yet to change them.

MR. LLOYD

Ridiculous. You should take a note from Reginald’s book, Mr. Bisset, and stop taking logical leaps. Especially when our lives are on the line.

(The lights go out. There is another struggle and a man’s dying SCREAM, followed by a deep, painful moan. The lights come back up and Reginald is holding his back and shoeless, as Mr. Lloyd is slumped over on the floor, dead.)

MS. LOWELL

Mr. Lloyd! No! Somebody has killed him!

MICHEL

Stay back, Ms. Lowell. Do not disturb the body’s final resting place. We must look for clues.

MS. LOWELL

Clues! What good will clues do us if we’re dead. There is a killer loose and we’re next.

REGINALD

She’s right, Michel. Better just to stop looking.

MICHEL

Never. Evidence lurks around every corner.

MS. LOWELL

Why don’t we ask Reginald? He seems to have a good intuition on what’s happening. Reginald?

REGINALD

Well, if I were to guess again, I would say that Michel was the real target. The killer wanted to get rid of him because Michel was so determined to solve the murder. In the dark, however, the killer stabbed Mr. Lloyd instead. Upon feeling Mr. Lloyd’s frame and realizing his mistake, he tried to carry the body out of the room to hide it, but it was too heavy and the killer hurt his back and just let the body lie wherever it fell.

MS. LOWELL

Wow. Reginald that is amazing. Michel, you could learn a thing or two from Reginald.

MICHEL

That is not science, Reginald. It is merely speculation.

REGINALD

Yeah. Maybe you’re right.

(Ms. Lowell looks at Reginald’s bare feet.)

MS. LOWELL

Reginald... Where are your shoes?

(Reginald and Michel look down at his feet.)

REGINALD

Oh great. The killer is also a thief!

MS. LOWELL

The scoundrel!

MICHEL

Hmmm... Reginald. I would like to ask you a few questions.

(The lights go out again. Ms. Lowell screams. A Man howls in pain. The lights come back up and Reginald is on the floor holding his groin. Ms. Lowell is dead next to Mrs. Parsons. Ms. Lowell is holding the knife that was in Mrs. Parson’s chest.)

Ms. Lowell! She’s dead. Reginald, are you alright?

REGINALD

Yes. I’m fine. Just in a little pain, but quite alright.

MICHEL

If you’re alright then maybe you could tell me your theory on what happened?

REGINALD

Well, I don’t want to do your job for you, but here it goes.

(Reginald stands up.)

The killer probably still felt like you were a threat to them. They took advantage of the latest blackout, but in the darkness accidentally killed Ms. Lowell. Freaking out, they decided to use the latest murder to their advantage. They placed Ms. Lowell on the couch and took the knife out of Mrs. Parson’s chest, placing it in Ms. Lowell’s hand, and making it seem like she killed everyone - taking her own life when she realized she was eventually going to be found it. The killer then stumbled away, but not before hitting his balls on the armrest of the couch.

MICHEL

That is quite the story. And you hit your balls in —

REGINALD

A separate, unrelated accident.

MICHEL

I see. Well, Reginald, in my long and celebrated career, I have heard a great deal of fantastical stories. But, that one, my good boy, tops them all. You’re under arrest, Reginald.

REGINALD

But, but —

(The lights go out again. They quickly come back on, and a Murderer is standing between Reginald and Michel. They are covered in blood.)

MICHEL

Well, Reginald. It seems I owe you an apology.

REGINALD

Apology accepted.

(The lights go out and Michel and Reginald SCREAM.)

(Death and Henry’s lights come up. They enter.)

HENRY

Now that was pretty fun.

DEATH

Fun? I was going for scary.

HENRY

The deaths were intriguing, I’ll give you that.

DEATH

Okay, okay. What about your next one?

HENRY

Well, I do like the idea of a master detective at play.

DEATH

Yeah, but how do you make that a horror story? Your last one didn’t even have one death in it.

HENRY

I’m sick of death.

DEATH

Well, tough. Death is a natural part of life. If you want to prove to me that humans are just as terrifying than monsters, you’re going to have to have a little death in there.

HENRY

Okay, fine.

(They start to exit.)

This is so stupid.

DEATH

You’re stupid.

(They exit.)

SCENE VI

THE PERFECT CREME

CHARACTERS

MS. ROBBINS………………………………………………. Perfect in every way.

MRS. JONES………………………………………………… Always in Ms. Robbin’s shadow.

MR. HEMSLEY……………………………………………… Just happy to be there.

COLLINS…………………………………………………….. The town’s loyal mayor.

SETTING: COUNTY FAIR PIE BAKING BOOTHS

(MS. ROBBINS, a lovely, middle-aged woman, sets up her booth. MR. HEMSLEY, a younger woman, sets up his booth next to her. MRS. JONES, a middle-aged man, sets up her booth on the other side of MS. ROBBINS.)

MS. ROBBINS

Oh, what a lovely day for a baking contest.

MR. HEMSLEY

I just hope you’ll go easy on me this year, Ms. Robbins. It seems like you win the county fair bake-off every year!

MS. ROBBINS

Mr. Hemsley, your baking is delicious! That apple crumble you made last year was absolutely delightful. I’m absolutely positive you will win this year.

MR. HEMSLEY

Ms. Robbins, you’re too much.

MRS. JONES

Too much of a cheater.

MS. ROBBINS

Mrs. Jones! I hope you have strong evidence to back up that claim.

MRS. JONES

I don’t need any evidence!

MR. HEMSLEY

You do with Ms. Robbins. Let’s not forget that in addition to being the best baker this side of the Mississippi, she’s also a world class, amatuer detective!

MS. ROBBINS

Evidence is everything, Mrs. Jones. I hope that you will take back your remarks until you can sufficiently prove I am anything but a marvelous baker.

MRS. JONES

Whatever.

(They begin preparing their signs.)

MR. HEMSLEY

Mmm. Something sure smells good over there, Ms. Robbins. What did you make for today’s competition.

MS. ROBBINS

Actually, I thought I would take a bit of a chance this year. I have made a pumpkin tart.

(Mrs. Jones laughs.)

Is something funny, Mrs. Jones.

MRS. JONES

A pumpkin tart! If I knew you weren’t even going to try, Ms. Robbins, I would’ve made something less impressive.

MR. HEMSLEY

That’s a bunch of bull, Mrs. Jones. Every year you come with some basic pie that never places.

MRS. JONES

This year is different.

(Mrs. Jones pulls a massive cake onto the table.)

This is my cake. I call it “The Dominator”. Nine layers tall and filled with some of the most decadent ingredients you will ever taste. Spanish raspberries. Gold leaf compote. Strawberry con anise with Venusian durian. And that’s just the first layer! If I told you what was in the other layers, your mind wouldn’t be able to take it. Guy Fierri called my cake, “a little much”. That’s how good it is!

MR. HEMSLEY

Wow. You really stepped it up this year, Mrs. Jones. I’m worried that my Bananas Foster won’t be able to keep up!

MRS. JONES

Bananas foster? Ha! My nine layer cake will make your bananas foster look like over whipped meringue!

(Mr. Hemsley and Ms. Robbins gasp.)

MR. HEMSLEY

Well, I take back any good thing I ever said about your cake, Mrs. Jones! I hope you don’t place!

MS. ROBBINS

Now, Mr. Hemsley. Don’t say anything you might regret.

MR. HEMSLEY

I’m sorry, Ms. Robbins, but this needs to be said. You’re not a good baker, Mrs. Jones. Every year you place fourth! Ms. Robbins gets first, I get second, and Mr. Lawrence gets third. There’s no way you’re going to beat us this year, and you better get used to never getting a ribbon!

MS. ROBBINS

Mr. Hemsley, please calm down. This behavior is unbecoming of a county bake off.

MR. HEMSLEY

You’re right, Ms. Robbins. I’m sorry. I’m embarrassed, Mrs. Jones. Please, forgive me.

MRS. JONES

You are not forgiven, Mr. Hemsley. You hurt me dearly.

They all go back to setting up their booths in silence.

Mayor Collins runs in.

COLLINS

Ms. Robbins! Ms. Robbins, we need your help!

MS. ROBBINS

What is it, Mayor Collins? We’re just setting up for the county bake off, but I will be happy to help with what I can.

COLLINS

I’m afraid something terrible has happened, Ms. Robbins.

MRS. JONES

Oh no. What happened?

COLLINS

It’s Mr. Lawrence! I’m afraid someone ruined his chances of being in the competition this year.

MS. ROBBINS

Oh no!

MR. HEMSLEY

Now hold on there folks. I’m sure whatever happened, Ms. Robbins can fix it. I mean, this is the woman that solved the case of the Mrs. Willouby’s missing, prized pumpkin! She found the hidden treasure of pirate’s cove, solved the puzzle of the Goosebury Garden Labrynth, and let’s not forget how she saved the boy’s choir when they were lost in the forest. There’s no mystery that Ms. Robbins can’t solve.

COLLINS

That’s right. Ms. Robbins is our own Sherlock Holmes. But, I’m worried this mystery might be a bit out of her skill range. Now, Ms. Robbins, I just want to prepare you for what’s to come if you take on this case.

MS. ROBBINS

Mayor Collins, I’m positive that I can handle anything you throw at me.

COLLINS

That’s good to know.

MS. ROBBINS

Now, what is it, Mr. Mayor. Did somebody steal Mr. Lawrence’s secret spices?

COLLINS

No.

MR. HEMSLEY

Did they sabotage his oven?

COLLINS

No.

MRS. JONES

Did they trick him into leaving town by faking a family emergency?

COLLINS

No. I’m afraid it’s worse than that.

MS. JONES

What is it, Mayor Collins?

COLLINS

Somebody murdered him.

(They all gasp, except for Collins.)

MR. HEMSLEY

Murder? Nobody ever gets murdered in our sleepy, little town. How could this have happened?

COLLINS

We’re not sure. We found his body in his home. It seems he was killed sometime last night as he was practicing baking pies.

MR. HEMSLEY

As he was baking? The kitchen is a sacred space. What kind of monster could do such a thing.

COLLINS

That’s what we’re hoping Ms. Robbins could help us with.

MS. ROBBINS

Mr. Mayor, who found the body and what state was the body in?

COLLINS

His niece found him. According to the police report, he was foaming at the mouth, or at least, what she could tell was his mouth. His head and face had been bashed in so hard that all that was left was a mesh of blood and bones. His lips, nose, eyes - all were barely identifyable. We had to pick up his teeth and match them to dental records in order to properly say it was Mr. Lawrence.

MR. HEMSLEY

Oh, Jesus.

(Mr. Hemsley vomits in a trash can by his booth.)

COLLINS

That’s not all. It seems that the niece only found the head. Mr. Lawrence had left his front door open because it was a particularly hot night. When Mr. Lawrence was murdered, the body was left intact, except for the bashed in head. What we can surmise is that a family of raccoons then wandered into the house and tore him apart for the meat. They left the head by his oven and carried the body back to their den in pieces. We still haven’t found the body.

MRS. JONES

That’s horrible!

COLLINS

I’m sorry. I know the details are hard to hear, but they could be important.

MS. ROBBINS

Mr. Mayor, did the niece happen to say what kind of pie Mr. Lawrence was baking?

COLLINS

The niece didn’t get a chance to taste it before it was bagged into evidence, but from what she could smell it seemed to be a peach pie with almond extract.

MS. ROBBINS

Hmmm.

COLLINS

Yes, Ms. Robbins. Do you have any idea who caused this horrible murder?

MS. ROBBINS

I wonder. Mrs. Jones. Does your nine layer cake contain any almond extract?

MRS. JONES

Yes... Yes it does.

MS. ROBBINS

And you tasted your cake?

MRS. JONES

Of course I did. I am a professional baker, after all.

MS. ROBBINS

Curious.

COLLINS

Where is this questioning going, Ms. Robbins?

MS. ROBBINS

I believe I know what happened to Mr. Lawrence. Mrs. Jones, may I see your spices?

MRS. JONES

This is ridiculous! Why would you like to see my spices, Ms. Robbins?

MS. ROBBINS

I am merely looking for the murder weapons, Mrs. Jones.

MRS. JONES

What!? Preposterous!

MS. ROBBINS

Mayor Collins, please look in her spice rack for almond extract.

(Mayor Collins goes behind Mrs. Jones booth and looks at her spices.)

COLLINS

Found it!

(Mayor Collins takes the extract to Ms. Robbins. She unscrews the cap.)

MRS. JONES

Hey! That is mine. You can’t do this.

(Ms. Robbins smells the extract.)

MS. ROBBINS

Smells like almonds.

MRS. JONES

Yes, you idiot. It’s almond extract.

MS. ROBBINS

Or is it? Perhaps you would like to taste it to confirm.

MRS. JONES

I can’t.

MS. ROBBINS

Of course you can’t. You have never baked anything with almond extract. Five years ago, at this very competition, I did bake with almond extract. I asked you if you would like to try my almond cookies and you said you were allergic.

MR. HEMSLEY

I remember that!

MRS. JONES

So... I’m allergic. So what?

MR. HEMSLEY

But, you just said your cake has almond extract and that you tried it when you baked it!

MS. ROBBINS

Precisely.

MRS. JONES

I lied. Sue me. I didn’t try my cake.

MS. ROBBINS

That’s entirely possible. Or, is it possible that this isn’t almond extract at all?

COLLINS

What do you mean? What else could smell like almonds?

MS. ROBBINS

Cyanide.

(She gives the extract to Collins.)

Take this to the lab and have it analyzed for cyanide.

MRS. JONES

Ridiculous. A waste of tax payer money. How could you possibly think that is cyanide.

MS. ROBBINS

I don’t think, Mrs. Jones. I know. Picture this. Last night you decide to take Mr. Lawrence out of the competition. You were sick of constantly getting fourth place and never getting a ribbon. Of course, you couldn’t kill Mr. Lawrence, myself and Mr. Hemsley - that would be too obvious. So, you decide to kill one of us each year, until you could climb to be top baker in the county bake off.

MRS. JONES

That’s a lie.

MS. ROBBINS

Is it? I submit to you this. You knew that on hot nights Mr. Lawrence leaves his front door open to ventilate his house. You snuck in and replaced his almond extract with your bottle that had cyanide in it instead of extract. See, cyanide emits a distinctive almond smell that only a certain people can detect. Luckily, Mr. Lawrence and his niece were able to detect the smell and thus they didn’t ask questions when they smelled what they thought was almond extract. You came back later to switch back the bottles, but found Mr. Lawrence writhing on the floor. You had never killed anybody before and wasn’t sure how much cyanide-to-water ratio to use when making your poison. Mr. Lawrence, however, was a bigger man and needed a good amount of cyanide to actually kill him. Seeing him on the floor horrified you. You panicked and smashed Mr. Lawrence’s face in with a cast iron baking pan.

(Mrs. Jones begins to clap.)

MRS. JONES

That’s quite the story, Ms. Robbins. But, it’s mostly speculation. You still need your evidence, and that extract will take weeks to get back from the lab.

COLLINS

She’s right, Ms. Robbins.

(Just then, Collins gets a call. He answers.)

Hello?... Yes... Animal control... Oh? That is is interesting... Thank you for calling.

(He hangs up.)

That was animal control. They found the raccoons that ate Mr. Lawrence.

MR. HEMSLEY

Thank god. They should make those raccoons pay.

COLLINS

They already have. Looks like the raccoons were dead. They ate some poisoned meat.

(Everyone looks at Mrs. Jones.)

MRS. JONES

No... I couldn’t stand being in fourth place anymore. He needed to pay for beating me year after year!

(Collings starts to close in on Mrs. Jones.)

(Mrs. Jones produces a cast iron baking pan that has been heavily dented.)

Stay back!

MR. HEMSLEY

That’s the baking pan! She must have used that to kill Mr. Lawrence!

COLLINS

Listen, Mrs. Jones. There’s no way out. Just come quietly and don’t make this any worse for yourself.

(Mr. Hemsley, Ms. Robbins, and Collins all close in on Mrs. Jones. She drops the pan and breaks down.)

I’ll go get the police chief. I’m sure he’ll be glad to get this case closed in time for the county bake off. Thank you, Ms. Robbins.

(Collins exits.)

MR. HEMSLEY

You did it, Ms. Robbins! Congratulations.

MS. ROBBINS

Thank you, Mr. Hemsley. Looks like this will be a county bake off we’ll never forget!

(They laugh as Mrs. Jones continues sobbing at her booth.)

(Death and Henry’s light comes up. They enter.)

DEATH

Hey! That was more like it.

HENRY

Thanks.

DEATH

I really enjoyed the plot. But, I have to say, mine had a higher body count, so I win.

HENRY

What!? That’s ridiculous. Yours barely made sense. I mean, who was the killer anyway? What was their backstory. Mine had intrigue. It had stakes. Plus, the evil plot by Mrs. Jones was way more interesting than some random guy with an urge to kill people.

DEATH

Fine. We’ll call this one another tie. But this next story will be so terrifying, that you will rue the day you challenged me.

HENRY

Actually, I would like to go again, if you don’t mind.

DEATH

Go again?

HENRY

Yeah. I would like to try something different. I think you’ll like it.

DEATH

Okay. It’ll just give me time to think of an even scarier story!

HENRY

I don’t think you’ll need it.

DEATH

Okay, Henry. Whatever you say. Please, tell your story.

(They exit.)

SCENE VII

The Balloon Trick

CHARACTERS

ALLEN……………………………………..A nurse in his 30’s. Nora’s Dad.

NORA………………………………………Allen’s rambunctious, seven-year-old daughter.

MR. EDWARDS/BILL…………………….A corpse.

SETTING: A dark and sterile morgue.

There is a large, metal slab with a body on it. The body is covered in a white sheet. Small tray full of medical instruments sits next to the slab.

NORA

(Offstage.)

This place is amazing! Oh, boy, what’s that thing!

ALLEN

(Offstage.)

Nora, don’t touch that!

(A loud CRASH is heard from offstage.)

NORA

(Offstage.)

Oops! Sorry, mister! Ooo, what’s that!?

(Nora, an energetic young girl with a fanny pack, runs onstage and up to the tray with medical instruments on it. She grabs a scalpel.)

ALLEN

(Offstage.)

Come back here! That room is not to play in!

(Allen enters dressed in hospital scrubs. She immediately spots the scalpel.)

Nora! That’s not a toy!

(Nora quickly places the scalpel back on the table.)

NORA

I’m sorry, dad. I can’t help it if I’m curious.

ALLEN

Well, this is the wrong place to be curious. Clearly, bringing you here was a mistake.

NORA

But, it’s take your child to work day! My teacher said it was required.

ALLEN

I’m sure they would have understood if we told them how dangerous it was. Especially for someone that likes to explore as much as you.

NORA

I can’t help it. I like to see how things work! Teacher says a curious mind is a rare thing these days.

(Nora picks up surgical tweezers, but they are quickly taken by Allen and put back on the table.)

(Nora HUFFS.)

ALLEN

What?

NORA

I was playing with that.

ALLEN

You shouldn’t be playing with anything. Everything in here is important medical equipment that should be treated with respect.

NORA

Are you telling me there isn’t one toy in here?

ALLEN

That’s right.

NORA

So, what are these things?

ALLEN

Well… The first thing you picked up –

(Allen picks up the scalpel.)

Is called a scalpel. We use it to cut things. It’s very sharp to help us with the cuts we make.

NORA

Why is that?

ALLEN

Because we often have to cut people to help them feel better. If we use a dull knife, it would be very painful for those people.

NORA

Eww. You cut people? That’s gross.

ALLEN

Hey, you wanted to come down here. If you want to work in a hospital some day, you have to have a strong stomach!

(Allen playfully pokes Nora in the stomach as they both laugh.)

NORA

Stop! I have a strong stomach! I promise!

(Allen stops.)

What are these things, dad?

(Nora points to the tweezers.)

ALLEN

Those are tweezers. We use them for a lot of things, but mostly for sutures.

NORA

What are su… Su-tu-res?

ALLEN

It’s the fancy way of saying, “stitches”. Remember when you fell of your bike and cut your arm so bad that you had to get stitches?

NORA

Oh yeah! That hurt.

ALLEN

Well, the needle that they put in your arm was grabbed by the tweezers, so the doctor didn’t poke herself when stitching up your arm.

NORA

Would it be bad if she poked herself?

ALLEN

Depends on the patient. Now, get away from the table. There are dangerous things over there.

(Allen moves over to the tray and straightens it up.)

(Nora crosses in front of the slab and runs her fingers over the sheet.)

NORA

What is this place?

ALLEN

Just a room where we all end up eventually.

NORA

Eww. Is this the room where you get shots?

ALLEN

No. Those are done in a regular exam room.

NORA

Good! I’m sick of shots. I have had to get way too many shots in my life. I must have had a million shots you made me get.

ALLEN

And how many times have you had rubella?

NORA

…

ALLEN

You’re welcome.

NORA

Still, I don’t know why we have to get so many shots. They hurt.

ALLEN

The schools require them. Plus, they’re good for you. Kids your age used to get very sick without those shots.

NORA

Would they die?

(Allen is struck.)

ALLEN

… Sometimes.

(Nora runs over to Allen and hugs him.)

NORA

Thank you for the shots, papa.

(Allen hugs her tight.)

Okay! I get it – you love me!

(Allen lets go of Nora.)

ALLEN

Let’s go. I have to get back to work.

(Nora runs back to the side of the slab.)

(Allen takes a moment to straighten her scrubs.)

NORA

Look, papa. I’m a ghost!

(Nora takes the sheet off of the table, exposing a dead man. He is lying on the table in his underwear. Nora wraps herself up in the sheet – oblivious to the corpse beside her.)

ALLEN

Nora!!

NORA

Can’t catch me! I’m a ghost!

ALLEN

Put that sheet down this instant!

(Nora slowly peels the sheet away from her face and looks toward Allen. Her eyes FLARE when she catches sight of the dead man.)

Don’t scream.

(Nora SCREAMS.)

I said don’t scream!

(Allen runs over to Nora and covers her mouth.)

Are you going to keep screaming?\

(Nora shakes her head.)

Can I take my hand off of your mouth now?

(Nora nods her head.)

Okay. I’m going to take it off in one. Two. Three.

(Allen takes her hand away.)

NORA

Is he?

ALLEN

Dead. This is the morgue. It’s where we keep the people who have died before they are buried.

NORA

What do you do with them?

ALLEN

Sometimes we have to cut them open to see what happened to them.

NORA

What!? Why!?

ALLEN

People like to know. It helps the police if the dead person was the victim of a crime. It also helps nurses and doctors learn how to better help people.

NORA

Oh.

(Nora takes the sheet and puts it back over the body.)

I’m sorry, Mr. Dead Man. I didn’t mean to take your blanket.

(Allen smiles sweetly.)

(There is a KNOCK at the door.)

NORA

Who is that?

ALLEN

Stay here. If it’s my boss, I can’t let him see that you’re down here. We can get in a lot of

trouble.

NORA

Okay, papa.

(Allen kisses Nora on the forehead then exits.)

(Beat.)

(Nora sneaks glances at the sheet.)

(Nora starts skipping around the room until she comes across a box of latex gloves. She takes one out of the box and stretches it a few times. She thinks to herself for a moment,

then figures she can blow up the plastic glove. She puts the glove over her mouth and blows air into it – inflating it like a balloon. She continues this until she gets a five fingered balloon of respectable size, then clumsily ties it off.)

Perfect!

(Nora starts skipping again and hitting the balloon across the stage. She eventually hits the balloon close to the metal instrument tray. She moves to pick up the balloon and touches the tray, sending a small SHOCK of static electricity through her finger.)

Ouch!

(Nora immediately starts laughing.)

Oh yeah!

(To corpse.)

Teacher did this in science class once. He rubbed a balloon against her head and –

(Nora rubs the balloon against her head then touches the metal tray again. A small SHOCK is heard, followed by more astonished GIGGLES from Nora.)

See!

(Nora rubs the balloon on her head once more and shocks the table. She rubs the balloon on her head one more time, but stops her finger before making contact with the table. She looks over at the corpse, before slowly moving her finger toward it’s head. Her finger touches the corpse’s forehead, sending a big SHOCK from her fingertip. The corpse’s leg convulses briefly, causing Nora to JUMP up in fright.)

Jeeze!

(Allen rushes back into the room.)

ALLEN

What are you doing!? I thought I told you to be quiet? Good thing my boss left before he could hear you yelling.

(Nora shakes from fear. She stands wide-eyed and unable to speak.)

Nora, what the heck is going on here? What was so important that you couldn’t stay quiet for one minute?

(Nora breaks down. She runs to Allen and grabs onto him.)

NORA

The man. He MOVED!

ALLEN

What are you talking about?

NORA

The man under the sheet. He MOVED. He… I mean… I was playing with this balloon and I remembered teacher saying something about if you rubbed a balloon on your head you could shock people so… I rubbed the balloon on my head and I touched the man’s head and he MOVED! He’s alive!

ALLEN

Nora. I need you to listen to me. He’s not alive. Sometimes, if you shock someone or something that is dead, it can move briefly. It doesn’t mean they’re alive.

NORA

But, I saw it –

ALLEN

Listen.

(Allen kneels down to Nora and turns his back to the corpse.)

Our bodies run on electricity. They depend on it. Electrical impulses are what tell our body to move and do pretty much anything else us humans do.

(The corpse slowly sits up. This catches Nora’s eye, but not Allen’s.)

Naturally, when we introduce electricity to something that has died, the body will remember the motion associated with the electrical impulse and can even twitch and have what we would call a “spasm”.

(Nora looks at the corpse, terrified.)

NORA

Dad –

ALLEN

It really is a fascinating subject that lead directly to our development of life saving machines like defibrillators.

NORA

Dad, stop –

ALLEN

Hang on, missy. This was a revolutionary development in the world of medicine. It’s important to know these things.

(The sheet falls off of the corpse, exposing his dead face and sewn up midsection from his autopsy.)

NORA

Jesus Christ!

ALLEN

I know my stories may not be as exhilarating as a make up tutorial on Youtube or whatever it is you watch, but sometimes learning something boring is important. And furthermore, we need to talk about your language, Nora --

(Nora takes Allen’s face and turns it to the corpse.)

ALLEN

Oh fuck me – what the fuck!

NORA

Is that still just an electrical impulse?

ALLEN

Um… Maybe?

(The corpse lets out a deep MOAN.)

Okay… I don’t think they’re supposed to do that.

NORA

Wait a second.

(Nora moves closer to the corpse.)

ALLEN

What are you doing?

NORA

I want to try something.

(Nora waves her hand in front of the corpse’s face. It doesn’t respond.)

It’s just staring at nothing. I don’t think it knows we’re here.

ALLEN

He must have suffered brain damage. I don’t know how long he’s been dead, but you can only

dead for so long before permanent brain damage occurs. I better check his pulse.

(Allen carefully checks the corpse’s wrist for a pulse. After a few seconds of checking, he drops the wrist.)

ALLEN

Oh Jesus Fucking Christ.

NORA

What, dad? What is it?

ALLEN

He doesn’t have a pulse, Nora. He’s a freaking zombie!

(Allen puts his hand on Nora’s shoulder and walks her back a few feet.)

NORA

What’s a zombie?

ALLEN

Remember when I caught you watching that black and white movie where dead people were

coming out of the ground and eating other people?

NORA

That’s what a zombie is!? Don’t let it eat me! We have to get out of here.

(The zombie lets out another MOAN, but keeps looking forward into nothing.)

ALLEN

What does it want?

NORA

Do you seriously want to wait around and find out?

ALLEN

Yes, Nora. He’s still a person. Plus, we don’t know the real rules of how zombies work. They

could be friendly.

(Allen walks slowly back to the zombie.)

Mr. Zombie. Oh shit, that’s rude. I’m sorry.

(Allen lifts up the sheet around his feet and reveals a toe tag.)

Mr. Edwards. My name is Allen and this is my daughter Nora. Can we get you anything to make

you feel more comfortable?

(Mr. Edwards starts whimpering.)

What?

(Mr. Edward’s eyes move for the first time down to Allen’s hands.)

Oh! You must be cold. Of course. I’m sorry, sir.

(Allen covers Mr. Edwards’s toes with the sheet, then takes the top half of the sheet and drapes it back over Edwards’s chest. He stops whimpering.)

ALLEN

See, Nora? He was just cold.

NORA

That’s fantastic, dad. Do you mind if I go get some candy while you play with the dead person?

ALLEN

That’s not funny, Nora. We brought him back. Now, we have a responsibility to make sure he’s

okay.

NORA

But… I don’t wanna.

(Allen kneels down beside Nora.)

ALLEN

Honey. Sometimes the things you don’t want to do will be the things most deserving of being

done. Understand?

(Nora shakes her head.)

No good thing in this world comes without a price. These things are often inconvenient to our

wants and needs, but we do them because it is good for our soul. Now, let’s help this man, okay?

(Nora nods her head.)

(Allen moves back over to Mr. Edwards. Mr. Edwards MOANS.)

ALLEN

Don’t worry, big guy. We’ll help you. Nora, stay here with Mr. Edwards. I will be right back,

okay?

NORA

Okay, papa.

(Allen exits.)

(Nora walks around the room, occasionally stealing glances at Mr. Edwards.)

(She eventually gets the courage to go closer and smell him.)

You smell much better than I thought you would. Marcy from class says that dead things smell

really bad. She had a dog that got really sick and crawled under her house to die and she said

her family could smell it for days. Her dad found the dog, but it had been a long time since he

died… You don’t like talking that much, do you?

(Mr. Edwards lets out a short GRUNT.)

Wait a minute… Did you understand me?

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS.)

Oh my gosh! Okay, I get it. I’m going to ask you some questions. Make a noise if the answer is

yes and don’t make a noise if the answer is no. Get it?

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS.)

Do you have a family?

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS.)

Do you have a wife?

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS.)

Do you have a boy or a girl?

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS twice.)

Both a boy and a girl!?

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS.)

Wow! Do you have a mommy and daddy too?

(Silence.)

Oh… I’m sorry, mister.

(Beat.)

Did you die?

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS.)

When you died… Did you see your mommy and daddy?

(Silence.)

Did you see God?

(Silence.)

Oh… Did you see anything?

(Mr. Edwards begins a quiet, sad whimper.)

(Nora walks up to Mr. Edwards and puts her hand on his arm. He stops whimpering.)

It’s okay, mister. Maybe that’s just how it is.

(Allen enters carrying a bag. He puts the bag on the floor and unzips it. He takes out a blanket and drapes it over Mr. Edwards.)

ALLEN

There you go, big guy. We won’t let you freeze in here.

(To Nora.)

How was he when I was gone?

NORA

He was good. We talked for a bit.

ALLEN

Oh, haha, very funny. You talked?

NORA

Well… I talked.

ALLEN

And he listened?

NORA

Yeah. And he made noises!

ALLEN

Noises?

(Allen takes out a stethoscope and puts it to Mr. Edwards chest.)

Still nothing.

(He takes the stethoscope away.)

NORA

We made a game out of it. I asked him a yes or no question and he made a noise for yes and stayed quiet for no.

ALLEN

That’s hardly scientific, Nora.

NORA

It works! He talked to me.

ALLEN

Well, let’s try it. Is your name Mr. Edwards?

(Silence.)

See? Nothing.

NORA

He’s sad now.

ALLEN

Why is that?

NORA

Because…

ALLEN

Nora. Why is he sad?

NORA

I asked him if he saw anything when he died and he said no.

ALLEN

Like heaven?

NORA

Like anything. He didn’t see his mom or dad or his favorite dog he had as a kid, I’m guessing. Nothing.

ALLEN

Is this true, Mr. Edwards.

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS.)

(Allen is startled.)

NORA

See?

ALLEN

Oh my god. Let me try this… Is your last name Edwards?

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS.)

(Allen holds up two fingers.)

Am I holding up two fingers right now?

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS.)

(Allen holds up four fingers.)

Am I holding up three fingers right now?

(Silence.)

Nora, I think you’re right.

NORA

Duh.

(Allen laughs.)

ALLEN

This is astonishing. Not only have we brought someone back from the dead, but you have found a way to communicate with him. This is unprecedented. There is still so much to discover.

NORA

Dad.

ALLEN

I’ll have to write academic papers and get some grants for research. There’s so much to do.

(Allen takes a laptop out of his bag and turns it on.)

Oh, this is big, Nora. This is revolutionary.

NORA

Dad!

ALLEN

What?

NORA

It doesn’t bother you that he didn’t see anything?

ALLEN

What do you mean?

NORA

When he died. He didn’t see anything, remember?

ALLEN

Oh… That’s… I mean, that’s certainly one of the theories out there.

NORA

But… What about my mom? She’s just… Gone?

ALLEN

I was aware of the possibility. I’ve never been a religious person.

(Allen begins typing on his laptop.)

Now tell me how you got the man to begin moving.

NORA

No! You’re heartless. Teacher said that one day I could see her again. That she’s with God and she’s happy.

ALLEN

Your teacher isn’t supposed to be saying things like that.

NORA

Because it’s a lie?

ALLEN

Because there is a possibility that it’s untrue.

NORA

And it is untrue?

ALLEN

I… I don’t know, Nora. It’s possible that Mr. Edwards just doesn’t remember anything after he died. Remember, his brain has suffered from massive damage.

(Nora remains angry.)

(Allen puts his computer down and moves to her.)

Honey, we don’t know what the soul is. It’s possible that he doesn’t remember because his soul moved on to another realm. We don’t understand how consciousness works. There are quintillions of synapses and quantum processes between those synapses going on every second. It’s not possible for us to truly know if the soul moves on once we’ve died. Mommy could very well be somewhere out there.

NORA

Do you think she is?

ALLEN

(Beat.)

Yes. Yes I do.

(Nora wipes tears from her eyes.)

NORA

Okay. So do I.

(Nora smiles. Allen smiles back.)

ALLEN

We still have someone that needs our help.

NORA

Sorry, Mr. Edwards. We’ll help you the best we can.

ALLEN

Can you guide me through the process of how you got him to sit up?

NORA

Yes, papa. You went away and I got really bored, so I decided to blow up this balloon.

(Nora holds up the examination glove balloon.)

(Allen laughs.)

ALLEN

Alright, Howie Mandel. What happened next?

NORA

I hit it around the room for a little bit and then I touched the metal thing and it shocked me. It tickled, so I laughed, and then I thought it would be weird if I shocked him.

(Nora points to Mr. Edwards.)

ALLEN

Where did you shock him?

NORA

On his head.

(Allen moves to Mr. Edwards and puts his hand on his chest, pressing Mr. Edwards down to the slab.)

ALLEN

Sorry, Mr. Edwards. You’re going to have to lay back down for us.

(Mr. Edwards GRUNTS.)

(Allen goes back to writing in his laptop.)

Can you demonstrate what you did, Nora?

NORA

Of course.

(Nora rubs the balloon on her head furiously. She moves over to Mr. Edwards and touches his forehead, letting out a small SHOCK of static electricity.)

MR. EDWARDS

Ow.

NORA

Oh, sorry. Wait –

(Nora and Allen lock eyes in astonishment.)

ALLEN

What did you say?

MR. EDWARDS

Ow.

ALLEN

Oh, my God. Say it again!

MR. EDWARDS

Ow.

ALLEN

Can you say anything else?

MR. EDWARDS

(Beat.)

Ow.

ALLEN

That’s okay, my friend. I think I’ve figured this out. Nora, we’ve reactivated his brain, but because it is somehow staying alive without blood circulating through it, the body isn’t producing an electrical charge of it’s own. Now, it’s working like a battery that we just need to charge to get all of his synapses communicating with each other.

NORA

Dad. Just pretend that you know I’m seven years old.

(Allen laughs.)

ALLEN

I think that if we shock him enough he can go back to normal. I mean, still dead, but he could think like he used to.

NORA

Maybe then he could remember what happened after he died.

ALLEN

Nora. I don’t want you to get your hopes up. The point is that he is alive now, and maybe he’ll never have to die. Maybe none of us will ever have to die again! We won’t ever have to find out whether there is a heaven or a hell or a… Nothing… We need more electricity. I’ll go get a defibrillator. I’ll be right back.

(He kisses Nora on the forehead.)

I love you, kiddo.

(Allen exits.)

NORA

We’ll never find out… But, what if it’s too late to bring my mom back? I would like to see her again one day. Or, at least, go where she went. Even if it is nothing.

(Nora looks at Mr. Edwards.)

He can’t do this. He can’t force us into not knowing.

(Nora takes the balloon and rubs it on her head. She SHOCKS Mr. Edwards.)

Come on.

(She SHOCKS him again, and again, and again until he rises once more.)

MR. EDWARDS

Nora?

NORA

Mr. Edwards?

MR. EDWARDS

Call me… Bill.

(Nora giggles.)

NORA

Can you move?

(Bill clumsily stands to his feet, then takes a few steps.)

MR. EDWARDS

I can move enough.

NORA

Good. You have to leave before he gets back. I think… People need to die…

(Bill nods his head.)

I’ll take your place. Maybe that will give you enough time to escape.

(Nora hugs Bill.)

Good luck.

MR. EDWARDS

Thank you, Nora.

(Bill exits.)

(Nora lays down on the slab and covers her entire body with the sheet.)

(After a few moments, Allen enters with a defibrillator cart.)

ALLEN

Nora? Nora, where are you?

(Allen walks over to the slab and moves the sheet off of Nora’s face. He instantly stumbles backward.)

Oh my God… Nora? Nora!?

(He shakes her body, but she doesn’t respond. He feels her forehead.)

You’re ice cold. Oh no…

(He feels her pulse, but quickly drops her arm in dread. He drops to his knees.)

How could this happen? How could…

(He looks toward the defibrillator.)

I can fix this. I can fix you. They didn’t try hard enough.

(He turns the defibrillator on.)

Just a second, baby. I’ll bring you back. It’s okay. Daddy can do it. Daddy can save you.

(The defibrillator beeps. Allen takes it and puts it on her chest. He presses a button and a heavy SURGE of electricity discharges from the paddles.)

Nora? Honey, are you awake?

(Silence.)

No… No, no, no…

(Bill enters, dressed in a security uniform and very much alive.)

BILL

What’s going on in here? Shit… Allen. You’re not supposed to be in here.

ALLEN

She’s gone, Bill… She’s gone.

MR. EDWARDS

Why don’t we get out of here and talk about it, okay?

(Bill takes a step toward Allen, but Allen quickly recoils. He takes a scalpel from the tray and holds it threateningly at Bill.)

BILL

Easy, Allen. I’m your friend. Don’t do anything you’re going to regret… She’s gone. The doctors tried everything they could to save her, but she’s gone. I’m sorry.

ALLEN

Fuck the doctors. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t save her from the void. From the nothing. Now, she is nothing.

BILL

You don’t know that, Allen. Nobody does. She still lives in our hearts and memories; In the things you do to carry on those memories. Don’t do this, man. Don’t make this a black mark in her story.

(Allen puts the scalpel down.)

ALLEN

I’m sorry…

BILL

It’s okay, Allen. I can’t imagine what you’re going through… Let’s get out of here. Okay? I don’t what lies beyond this life… But, I know deep down in my heart that you will see your daughter again some day.

(Allen fights back tears as he takes a few steps toward Bill.)

(The defibrillator beeps, giving Allen an idea.)

BILL

Allen. Get away from that.

ALLEN

I will see my daughter again. I have to.

(Allen picks up the paddles and puts it to his chest. He shocks himself and instantly falls to the ground.)

(Bill rushes over to Allen.)

BILL

Allen? Allen!? Shit. Doctor! I need a doctor!

(Bill rushes out of the room.)

(After a moment, both Allen and Nora stand up.)

NORA

Dad?

ALLEN

Nora. Oh my god.

(Allen rushes over to Nora and hugs her.)

NORA

Where are we, dad?

ALLEN

I think… It’s some sort of heaven.

(Nora looks around, clearly unimpressed.)

NORA

It’s… It’s something, dad.

ALLEN

It’s not nothing, kiddo.

(Allen smiles wide at Nora and hugs her again.)